The Better Half Page #2

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that I can't get into heaven,

but that can?

Yes, I am seriously

telling you that.

[laughs]

No.

No, no, this is unacceptable.

No.

[laughs]

Where was she when I was

running the carpool

all those years, huh?

You try transporting a serial

farter, a chronic nose picker,

and the kid with

the world's smallest bladder

five days a week.

Are you finished?

No.

I have been the perfect wife

and mother, okay?

I did all the hard stuff

that she could never handle.

I can't.

Now I'm finished.

Yes, you are.

[laughs]

This is... this is a huge

misunderstanding, see?

I'm... I'm not evil.

Evil, no, but do you

really think

you've set your family

on the right path?

Yeah, yeah.

Sister, you are

one deluded soul.

Let's see how the perfect wife

and mother

has been doing so far.

[click]

Your husband already

has one foot out the door.

If he wasn't such a good man,

he'd be gone already.

Now, if someone

more appreciative

were to come along...

- You okay, Captain?

- Uh, Laurie.

Oh, like her, for example.

Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm just...

just a little worried about

the fundraiser tomorrow night.

Well, then, I don't know

what would happen.

Yeah, if it doesn't go well,

the mayor's office

will shut us down, so.

Hey, I know you're not

always appreciated at home,

but I want you to know

how much you mean to all of us,

especially me.

Oh, he should pick her.

She's so pretty and nice.

Hey, dumbass,

that's my husband.

Our husband.

Your daughter Emily,

thanks to you,

has some serious body issues.

Really, Em?

I mean, that dress

makes you look bigger

than you already are.

Are you serious?

We were twice her size

when we were her age.

And how much fun was that?

Well, as you'll see,

Emily will do

whatever it takes

to be popular.

[bell rings]

[clang]

Like, man, that's perfect.

Dang, Trey,

she never saw the camera?

Hey, Emily.

Looking hot today.

Thanks for the ride

this morning.

What exactly

do you see in her?

[sighs]

Me.

[laughter]

Smile for the camera.

[gasps]

That kid's a real a-hole.

Meanwhile, Dalton has become

a punching bag at school,

but perfect mom's

too busy to notice.

[grunts]

You keep talking,

you little snitch,

and I'll stuff your tampon

so far down your throat

you'll be pissing

Q-Tips for a week.

[laughter]

Ah!

Dalton's using tampons now?

Huh, they grow up so fast.

He's a boy, you idiot.

Okay, that's enough.

Now, you can't stay here,

neither one of you.

What are you gonna do,

toss us off the nearest cloud?

That's a great idea.

But my boss has decided

that you need to go back down

to clean up the mess

you made with your family.

Oh.

So you're getting

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