That's Carry On Page #2

Did you have a good night?

I'll let you know when it's over.

I dreamt about you last night, Nurse.

- Did you?

- No, you wouldn't let me.

Is it all right if I finish my sleep now?

- By all means.

- Thank you.

Sleep's good for you.

Washy time!

Look, I don't want washy time.

Stop!

I wouldn't put that in my mouth,

if I were you. It might explode.

I hope not. Matron doesn't approve

of banging in the wards.

( Vacuum Cleaner Rattles )

( Clang )

( Rattling drowns out speech )

Cow!

( Doors Bang Open )

( Clatter )

Try and use it, My Bigger.

Thank you. It's just what I needed.

All right. Here we go, then.

Let's see those dimples.

( Yells )

( Groans )

Yaaaa!

( Groans )

Mr Bigger!

What are you doing down there?

Waiting for a No.7 bus.

I'm Nurse May. I was told

to report here, Sister.

- I'll be with you in a moment.

- Hi.

( Bang )

( Whistle blows )

KENNETH:

Where's the colour, you silly girlie?

There ain't no colour in this bit.

Course there is.

It's like the telly: "Turn up your colour knob."

Haven't you ever heard of black and white?

It was all the go when I was a kid.

I'm far too young to remember.

Oh, yeah? Well, cop a load of this.

Cop a... Oh!

No, don't!

Would you mind not smoking?

It affects me. I've got a weak stomach.

Are you going to hospital?

Into the army.

- The army?

- Yeah.

Huh! So am I.

Army doctors... huh!

I'll tell you, mate. Two of everything

you should have two of, and you're in.

Stand up.

Stand still.

Cough.

Who are you?

- James Bailey, BSc Economics.

- Your number?

I'm not proud of it. It was given to me.

I earned my degree.

- Your rank!

- That's a matter of opinion.

Look at this, man.

You've nothing to complain of.

Look at the suit they've given me.

This was plumped on my head

without even the pretence of fitting.

Who is that young lad

in the funny hat, then?

The young lad in... How dare you!

Yes, you can laugh,

but we were real men in those days.

Young stalwarts

called to the colours.

Charge!

Ooh, dear.

Charge!

( Yells )

I ought to have thrown the lot

of you in the guard room,

for persistent, unrelenting,

blundering, malicious stupidity!

I'll paralyse the lot of you!

Look at you, standing as

if you're pregnant.

It wouldn't surprise me,

after the way I've been mucked about.

Oh, those were the days!

Explosions to the left of us,

explosions to the right of us!

Once more unto the breach, dear friends.

You do go on about your army days,

don't you?

On the contrary, Barbara dear,

I'm simply setting the scene

for Carry On Nurse.

Nurse Dawson, is it your intention

to wreck my ward?

I'm going to shave you.

Shave? My appendix isn't on my face.

I'm not going to shave your face.

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