Thank You For Smoking Page #2

All right.

M-O-D, Merchants of Death.

So, my day's ruined.

Why?

Dateline's doing a segment

on fetal alcohol syndrome.

Thank you.

Polly works

for the Moderation Council.

A casual drinker

by the age of 14,

Polly quickly developed

a tolerance usually reserved

for Irish dockworkers.

In our world, she's the woman

that got the pope

to endorse red wine.

We're gonna get creamed.

Any ideas?

I don't know.

Deformed kids are tough.

I'm lucky my product only makes

them bald before it kills them.

You could hug the kids.

They're not going

to let me hug the kids.

Who's doing the segment,

Donaldson or Sawyer?

Sawyer, probably.

You're f***ed.

Why?

Cause she's gonna hug them.

Look, if you see her going in

for a hug,

maybe just box her out,

get in there before she does.

BobbyJay works for SAFETY,

- the Society for the Advancement of Firearms

and Effective Training for Youth.

You want me to smile?

After watching the footage

of the Kent State shootings,

BobbyJay, then 17, signed up

for the National Guard

so he, too, could shoot

college students.

But the National Guard

recruiter was out to lunch,

so BobbyJay ended up

shooting Panamanians instead,

which was almost as good

as college students.

Only they shoot back.

You know, you can beat

a Breathalyzer

- by sucking on activated charcoal tablets?

- Really?

Maybe we should change

our campaign to

"If You Must Drink and Drive,

Suck Charcoal."

Yeah, but don't the police wonder

why you're sucking on charcoal?

There's no law against charcoal.

- Yet.

- Yet.

Dad, why is the American

government the best government?

Because of our

endless appeals system.

Joe, you're not writing down

what I just said are you?

Mm-hmm.

Joey, stop for a second.

What is the subject of your essay?

Why is American government

the best government in the world.

Your teacher crafted that question?

Yeah. Why?

Well... I'll look past

the obvious problems

in syntax for a moment,

and I'll focus more on the core

of the question.

I mean, "A,"

does America have

the best government in the world?

And "B," what constitutes

a "best government"?

Is it crime, is it poverty, literacy?

Hmm?

And America- definitely not best.

Perhaps not even better than most.

We do have a very

entertaining government...

Dad.

I'm sorry.

Are you familiar with the term "B.S."?

Bullshit.

Yes, exactly.

B.S., if I may, is what

questions like the one

your teacher posed are made for.

Because even if America

had the best government,

there'd be no way to prove it.

And how many pages are you writing?

Two pages.

Two pages...

Definitely not in two pages.

So what am I supposed to write?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes