Simon Amstell: Do Nothing

Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Michael Matheson
60 min

because I wanted to do something

where she couldn't validate it,

where she couldn't say, "Oh, that's nice."

But when I did it, it was purely unconscious,

it was purely in the moment.

One day, I ran up to my grandma,

and I mooned my grandma.

Well, I was only 11. I'm just 11.

It wasn't even like a cheeky, playful

little moon and run away, funny, funny.

It was a violent bend-over,

"Here's my arsehole, Grandma,"

and apparently a bit of balls as well,

a little bit of balls.

She didn't say, "Oh, that's nice."

Although I think she wanted to

because she's generous and encouraging.

She just couldn't quite get there

with my arsehole in her face.

She ended up saying, "Oh, okay."

But still encouraging, still a sort of,

"Oh, I see what you were going for."

So that's why I can't enjoy Paris.

I did fall in love about five years ago.

Fell in love five years ago,

but with somebody I invented,

which isn't ideal.

And he was based on

somebody who existed,

but because I had such low self-esteem,

I took every negative attribute

I felt about myself,

converted those into positive attributes

and projected those onto him.

Thus he would heal me

and complete me in my life.

Initially, I just liked him

because he was really thin.

I really liked that.

Like, thinner than me, ill-thin.

I don't know why I liked that.

I just liked the idea I could

go on a date with someone

and it could be their last date.

A lot of it is narcissism, really.

My type... I realised my type is me, but better.

Which I think is okay.

I just need to find somebody

who wants himself,

but much, much worse.

I went to see him in this play that he was in,

and he was really vulnerable on stage,

and I really like...

Vulnerability, to me, is quite

sexually appealing. I don't know if you...

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Simon Amstell

Simon Marc Amstell (born 29 November 1979) is an English comedian, television presenter, screenwriter, director and actor, best known for his roles as former host of Popworld, former host of Never Mind the Buzzcocks, co-writer and star of the sitcom Grandma's House and for writing and directing the film 'Carnage'. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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