Simon Amstell: Do Nothing Page #2

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Like, you know there are people

who are more like,

"Well, we know what we're doing.

"We've done it before, we'll do it again.

Everything's fine."

To me, it's much more sexy

if someone's a bit more,

"Oh, I feel faint." You know?

It's hot, right? So...

I went to see this play on the press night

so I could perhaps meet him afterwards -

and weeks had been building up

to this moment -

and all I could manage when I saw him

at the party was a kind of polite nod.

And I don't know if he saw it.

He didn't nod back.

And then I felt awkward

about approaching him at all.

And an hour went past,

and I couldn't approach him.

And then I saw him leave.

I saw him leave the theatre,

his rucksack on his back,

his little beanie hat on his head,

and as he got further and further away,

it became harder and harder to move,

and he was gone, gone.

Three weeks go by of sadness, pain, regret.

I've turned him into the only person

I can possibly be with in my life.

A lot of it was ego.

I just felt like he was going

to become a great actor.

He could make people cry.

And I could become a great comedian,

and make people laugh.

And if we were together...

...we could be like a two-man Robin Williams.

All the talent of Robin Williams,

but in two separate thin men.

I didn't know how I was going

to meet him again.

And then I was in a shop in Covent Garden

that sells vintage clothing,

and he was there in the shop.

I felt, in that moment,

that God had brought us together.

I don't feel that now so much because it feels

like the thought of a deluded moron, and...

And I don't want to attack religious people

who may be here this evening.

It feels like a sort of unkind thing to do,

to attack religious people, and it feels...

You know, it feels too easy,

and like the battle's already been won, and...

No, but...

But really, it just feels rude.

Like, if you're at a party and someone says,

you know, you get into a conversation

and someone says,

"I'm a Christian, I'm a Muslim, I'm a Jew,"

it's very rude there to say,

"Oh, how ridiculous!"

I feel, at this point, we have to treat people

with kindness and love and respect,

in the same way you treat a child running

around a party saying, "I'm a helicopter."

Say to them... Say, "Good for you!

We're all having fun! I'm a choo-choo train!"

I'm not an atheist.

Like, I'm a big fan of Jesus Christ.

There's nobody more thin or vulnerable

than Jesus Christ.

And he's bleeding as well.

It's very clever of them.

But I'm not an atheist for this reason.

This is the main reason I'm not an atheist.

I think I'm God a bit, and here's why.

And that's the sort of thing I can say here

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