Noises Off... Page #2

- Are you in?

- In?

- Are you there?

- What?

You're out, okay. I'll call again.

And on we go,

so there you are holding the receiver.

There I am holding the receiver.

I hang it up, I leave the sardines.

- Always the same story...

- And you take the newspaper.

I take the newspaper.

I leave the sardines.

Always the same story.

It's a weight off your mind,

it's a load off your stomach.

And off I go at last.

Leaving the receiver.

My housekeeper, yes, but...

And, noises off.

Stage!

My housekeeper, yes,

but this is her afternoon off.

We've got the place

entirely to ourselves.

I'll just check.

Hello? Anyone at home?

No, there's no one here.

So, what do you think?

Great and this is all yours?

Just a little shack in the woods really.

- Converted posset mill, 16th century.

- Must've cost a bomb.

One has to have somewhere

to entertain associates.

Someone coming at 4:00, in fact.

Arab, oil, you know.

I've got to get those files

to our Basingstoke office by 4:00.

Yes, we'll only just manage to fit it in.

I mean, we'll only just do it.

- Right.

- We won't bother to chill the champagne.

- All these doors.

- Just a handful, really.

Study, kitchen and

a service flat for the housekeeper.

- Terrific, and which one's the...

- What?

- You know.

- Through here.

Fantastic.

Only now I've lost the sardines.

I'm sorry, I thought there was no one here.

I'm not here, I'm off.

Only it's the Royal.

The horse race, where they wear

those hats all covered in fruit.

- And who are you?

- I'm from the agents.

- Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley.

- Which one are you then?

I'm Tramplemain.

Walking in here as if you own the place,

I thought you was a burglar.

No, I just dropped in

to go into a few things.

To check some of the measurements.

Do one or two odd jobs.

And I'm showing

a prospective tenant the house.

- What's wrong with the door?

- She's thinking of renting it.

Her interest is definitely roused.

- That's not the bedroom.

- The bedroom?

No, that's the downstairs bathroom

and W.C. suite.

This is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crockett.

- Clackett, dear.

- She's not really here.

- Only it's the color.

- It's the Royal.

- It's black and white at home.

- Don't worry about us.

I'll have the sound on low.

- We'll just inspect the house.

- Only now I've lost the newspaper.

- [Lloyd] Sardines!

- I'm sorry about this.

That's all right,

we don't want the television, do we?

Sardines!

I forgot the sardines.

Lloyd! These damn sardines.

We gotta do something about them.

We can't go on like this.

- Can't go on like what, Garry?

- It's all right for you,

but we've got to work with these sardines.

We all feel the same, don't we?

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