My Year Without Sex Page #2

And took the pill, but it'd be stress.

It's an epidemic.

I wasn't stressed. Was I?

I did yoga. Didn't I?

Oh, yoga's hopeless,

you might as well just lie on your bed.

You should do community singing.

You get your stress relief,

your oxygen in your blood,

endorphins, pleasure, happiness.

Singing with lots of people

stimulates a small organ in your ear.

It's like an orgasm.

- Ross? You okay?

- Yeah.

It's just...

sometimes people

forget about the person

who's been doing all of the caring

and all the worrying.

Hey, yes!

It's good to have you back, buddy.

It's been tough

being the most gorgeous guy here.

It's been tough because they didn't

replace you and banned overtime.

How does that work?

Dead air or work for love.

u50% of people with aneurysms die

before they get to the hospital./u

uMaybe 15% of the survivors

never walk or talk again./u

You should buy yourself

a lottery ticket.

But it won't happen again?

Consider it a yellow card.

Soccer.

A warning, but you keep playing.

Anecdotally, most aneurysms rupture

during heavy lifting, suppressing sneezes,

straining on the toilet and sex.

Three out of four should be avoidable.

They're just so beautiful.

I love you, Ross.

I love you, too.

And I love you, Ruby,

my gorgeous girl.

I love you too, Mama.

And I love you, Louis,

my beautiful boy.

Mum, what's 37 plus 16 plus 16?

um...

Sixty-nine.

Hey Mum, can I take you

to school for Show and Tell?

Maybe not.

It's only me who can't have an orgasm.

We could still have sex.

- Isn't it too soon?

- I don't mean this minute.

I mean when I'm better.

You could be really boring

and not get me excited.

You could go through

Analogue versus Digital again.

Very funny.

I can't believe I almost died.

I'm glad you didn't.

- Did the kids think I was going to die?

- No.

No, I told them you'd be fine.

What if I wasn't?

You should have been honest.

But you are fine.

I can't imagine not being here.

What kind of a next wife would you get?

No, I'm just thinking.

Would she be like a new me?

Or totally new.

Tidy.

Dear Ruby,

Happy Birthday!

u15!/u

I hope you're having a wonderful life.

Yes, you are too young to have sex,

and don't drive with P-platers.

Don't do drugs.

Definitely...

NOT Chroming,

Petrol-sniffing, Crystal Meth...

Christ, this sounds like a shopping list.

You're probably

a lovely, happy, healthy girl.

Eat with your mouth closed.

Sit up straight,

and occasionally try and think

about how the other person feels.

I love you.

I really,

really, really, love you.

Okay, big deep breath.

And...

Good... Jaws.

Good.

Okay, chewing.

Really big.

Last, through your lips.

All right, count in on two.

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