My Best Friend's Girl Page #3

at 5:
15 every single morning...

...so that eventually

you can run 26 miles in a circle.

Here's the great part. You get to

go back to sleep indefinitely. Yea!

For the record, I am involved in

a very taboo interoffice relationship.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

Dustin, the bad boy

from the wrong side of the tracks.

I'm from Lexington.

- Okay, bye.

- Bye.

- See you.

- Yeah.

That's not the secret knock.

That's the one. What's going on, man?

I need to move this into your room.

Tonight is the night.

And if all goes according to plan,

consider this move permanent.

- "Lawrence of a Labia"?

- Yeah, in a moment of weakness...

...I bought the entire EFI. The

Erotic Film Institute's top 100. Enjoy.

Where did it go wrong?

You have a serious problem.

Better than taking

sexual frustrations out...

...on a parade of one-night skanks

I'll never see again.

- True.

- Good morning.

Hey, no, no, come here. This

is Dusty, my roommate-slash-cousin.

Not technically related. Our parents

were friends until his mom walked out.

Slash-fuckhead for bringing up

bad family sh*t at inappropriate times.

It's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- F***ing family.

What's the plan? Bring this girl

back here, pop open chloroform...

...insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat?

No. Tonight is the night

I tell her how I feel.

Tank, this girl... This girl is my

soul mate and it's time she knew that.

Not if you want to f*** her.

You, what is the nicest thing

I've said to you since I met you?

You complimented me

on my technique.

Okay, look, I'm not you, okay?

I'm not gonna manipulate her,

I'm not gonna con her.

- I'm just gonna be myself.

- No.

Yourself is a repressed headcase that

beats more meat than Rocky Balboa.

By hiding porn, taking her to joints

you hate, training for a marathon...

...you're not showing the real you.

You're showing a highlight-reel you.

- Thus, in fact, you're conning her.

- You don't get it. You don't get it.

I love her. Alexis...

Alexis is my angel.

You get it, right?

We don't get it. We don't.

Anyway, we can skip this

"call me" scenario.

- I'm already late.

- Great.

I wanna know something.

This chick...

- What's her name?

- Alexis.

If this chick Alexis means so much to

you, how come I haven't met her yet?

Because she means

that much to me.

Mazel tov, man.

Love. Angels. Awesome.

What about that girl at camp who

used to let you play with her boobies?

- Jackie? We were 15.

- She looked like a baton with titties.

What about Gracie, love of your life...

...till you caught her blowing Holstein

freshman year?

- What's your point?

- My point is this: Lindsay, gym crush.

Melissa, your barista.

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