Internet Famous

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1

Ladies and gentlemen,

live from Burbank, California,

it's time for "Chris!"

With your host, Chris.

Twerk it!

Whoa!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh!

Dunk your mom! Dunk your mom!

Dunk your mom!

Dunk your mom!

Mom!

Oh!

I have the number one rated

daytime television talk show.

And do you know why that is?

That's because I stay

up-to-date with trends.

Was it...

Five years ago,

the ratings started

to take a dip.

And you know what I did,

is I fired my best friend

and co-host Jenny McCarthy.

And I legally changed my last

name to an exclamation point.

I mean, the ratings went

through the roof, you know?

The only problem with having

your last name be punctuation

is I-I cannot get my mail.

I mean, I'm not kidding.

I cannot...

It does not come.

Now, 20 years ago,

I was busting my hump.

Doing stand-up comedy for

groups of 50 people at a time.

But now, anyone can be seen

by millions of people

thanks to the Internet.

You know, doing stuff

that they'll probably regret.

You know what?

And guess what...

I admit it, I've done some stuff

that I am not proud of.

Is this my real hair color?

Uh, I think not.

Well, maybe. You know what?

You'll never know.

Uh, have I ever lied under oath?

Mm, I don't wanna talk about it.

I don't even know why

we're talking about it, okay?

It's Internet.

It's happening.

It's now.

It's a face in a camera.

It's having fun.

It's immediate.

It's... it's real.

It's... it's what it is.

Six seconds, four seconds,

it doesn't even matter.

Nothing has substance.

This is it.

And guess what,

I'm gonna be here forever!

'Cause I love it,

and I get it.

I get it, I get it, I get it.

This is it.

It's now.

Okay, I think it's over, right?

This is over.

Welcome back! Welcome back.

This year,

I'm very excited to announce

our very first

Web Star of the Year Award!

Yeah! Ah!

Now, the Web Star of the Year

is going to win

their very own TV show,

which I will

executive produce.

And with the help

of you all at home,

we've narrowed down

our finalists

to the best of the best.

And we're gonna be

announcing live

the winner at the fifth annual

WebCon Convention

in Anaheim, California!

And so,

the five finalists are...

Man:

Well, my life is my daughter.

And my daughter just so happens

to be famous on the Internet.

She was such a peach.

I thought,

"People need to see this.

I'ma upload this online."

Uh, I mostly did it just to

share it with her grandmother.

And, uh, sure enough,

it got 300,000 hits in a day.

Over a week,

it got 15 million views.

I started

thinking to myself,

"Okay, well, I kinda caught

lightning in a bottle here.

How do I do this

again and again and again?"

Uh, so I started thinking, "Okay,

what's a different emotion?"

Sadness... well, nobody

wants to see a baby sad.

Happiness...

I already did it.

Now, how 'bout fear?

And I went, "Aha."

There is no God!

Lucy, it's Daddy.

That's One Scared Baby.

We combined

two very popular things...

cuteness and the fear

of certain death.

Right?

Like, there's something

very humanizing about seeing

a baby getting really,

really, really freaked out.

Lucy, I love you so much.

And I'm always gonna be here

to protect you,

you know that, right?

I will always protect you

no matter what.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,

what's happening?

What's happening?

Oh, my God!

Please, don't take my daughter!

Please, don't take my daughter!

This a baby who-who's

looking into the camera,

and it's thinking,

"Oh, my God, this is it."

All right, check this out.

I got... I got That's One

Scared Baby merch, all right?

One Scared Baby bibs.

We got mugs.

We got beer koozies.

We got shirts.

We got clocks.

What time is it? I don't know.

It cries on the hour.

And look at this,

One Scared Baby bobblehead.

That baby look like it saw

a frickin' demon, huh?

When Lucy found out she was

picked for the Chris! show,

she literally screamed.

I remember,

I'll never forget.

She screamed

her frickin' head off.

Mostly 'cause I was wearing,

um, a baby-eating

minotaur costume.

But I think also

because I sort of had,

like, a... a dead

baby rabbit in my hands.

And I remember,

I was like, you know,

Lucy,

you won

the Chris! show finalist.

You know,

her eyes just went like,

"Whoa, what's going on here?

Did I really?"

And I'm like, "Yes, you did."

Now I will feast on the blood

of the seven sins."

- Veronica Decker.

- Yeah, that's me.

- Follow me.

- Oh.

You look kinda familiar.

Did you see

"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"?

Melrose and Orange,

black box theater.

- Missed that one.

- Yeah.

Sorry, must be

something else.

No, that's weird, 'cause

I wasn't in "something else."

All right, um, you're gonna be

reading with Craig here.

Just give him a second

to get started,

- and whenever you're ready.

- Just...

I've checked everywhere.

I've checked the school.

I've checked

the neighbors house.

I've done so much,

and he's not here.

- Okay, he's gone.

- Sorry, just hold on one second.

Uh, can you, uh,

can you walk across the room

for us, please?

Great. Great.

Um... ahem.

Hold on, that's really good,

that's great.

You can go back to one.

Try it again, um,

this time with,

uh, with like less balance.

Mm-hmm.

Even less.

- That's totally it.

- It's "The Wobbly Walk."

You are "The Wobbly Walk"

girl, right?

That's not me.

Come on, you gotta do it

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