Grumpy Old Men Page #2

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to see what's in there.

-Wait a minute.

-Much better than palm-reading.

Give me 30 seconds

in a person's bathroom...

...and I'll give you a complete

and accurate profile.

There's a guest bathroom.

Only be a minute.

So?

Fascinating.

Shouldn't you introduce yourself?

John Gustafson, right?

I took some of your mail yesterday

to find out who you were.

But you don't get much and...

...it doesn't paint a picture.

Taking mail is a federal offense.

I know.

Sometimes you must go a long distance

out of the way in order to...

...return a short distance correctly.

Don't you find that?

I love that line.

It's not mine. It's from

"The Zoo Story" by Edward Albee.

I teach American literature at

Winona State University.

I started yesterday.

Oh, I love the classics, don't you?

Well, I also read "Field and Stream."

Indeed?

You have a whole library

up there from what I saw.

There's something really rugged

and virile about the outdoors.

My manners! I'm sorry.

I'm Ariel Truax.

How do you do? I'm John Gustafson.

Yes, I know.

When did you move into the Clickner's?

I'm sure you know that.

Since I got here you and Max Goldman...

...have been against the windows

watching me like two Garfield cats.

Like people stick to their car windows.

The little suction cups they have....

Squirrels.

Been watching squirrels. One's been

making a nest under your eaves.

Sure, John.

Here's your mail.

There's nothing addressed

to a Mrs. Gustafson.

By the state of your bathroom

I presume you're a bachelor.

Gay or straight?

Heterosexual or homosexual?

Jeez Louise....

It's a legitimate question.

Maybe in California

but not here in Minnesota.

Have I upset you?

It's the middle of the night

and I don't know what--

Do you want me to leave?

No...yes.

It was very nice meeting you,

John Gustafson.

And now that we know each other,

don't be a stranger.

Oh, and John...

...king's rook to queen's bishop three.

Don't ring that up yet.

I need something for my lumbago.

It's killing me.

It's killing you my ass. He wouldn't

know the meaning of the word "pain".

I got a pinched sciatica make

your lumbago look like eyestrain.

Pain. He wants to talk about pain.

I had a gallstone big as a baseball.

Gallstones are for pussies.

When I had shingles did you see me

complain to Phil?

-Did you?

-Shingles schmingles.

When I had my ulcers....

...I was...

...farting razor blades.

Oh, you must be Max Goldman.

I'm your new neighbor.

Pleasure.

Isn't it a peach of a day?

Here's something for you.

It was left at my house by accident.

Some of your mail.

Sorry.

Have my herbal therapy oils arrived yet?

This morning.

Special delivery from...

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