Granny of the Dead Page #3

There's something I need

to tell you, it's been,

it's been buggin'

me all morning.

- Trust me, ed, nothing's

gonna bother me right now.

- Gaz has been

shagging your nan.

- You what?

- See where I got your uncle?

Look, brains left.

Brainy, brainy, brainy.

Brainy.

- It's too soon for that.

- Brainy.

- It's too soon.

- Got a prank call, number nine.

Possible crazies with shotguns.

- Shotguns?

Sh*t.

Only the other night I was

watchin' hobo with a shotgun.

Seen it?

- No.

Any good?

- Awesome.

Craziest f***ed-up

film I've ever seen.

I need help

at number nine high view--

- sir?

- And there's--

- you okay?

- A man here without a hand.

- You all right, sir?

- Right, I'll go around the

back, keep an eye on him.

- Sir, can you

turn around please?

Sir, can you tell

me what happened?

Sir, stay right there!

Don't f***in' move.

I said stay there, sir!

Stay there!

F***.

Oh, Christ!

- Up here!

Up here.

Whoa, don't shoot me!

- Keep still.

Right, what the f***'s going on?

We've had reports of

man here with a shotgun.

- Uh, not exactly,

but there is a mad old woman

in there, trying to kill me.

She's in the house somewhere.

- She has a shotgun?

- Uh.

Yeah.

I'd shoot to kill,

she's gone insane.

- Get back, get back!

Sh*t.

Sh*t!

- Sh*t!

Where is she?

Have you seen her?

- No.

You mind telling me

what the hell that is?

- That

is my dead cat, moggy.

Sleeping in a pile of sh*t.

- What's really goin' on here?

- The truth is

my nan's a zombie.

- A zombie?

- Yeah,

and she ate my cat.

Shoot the b*tch!

She's gone.

- Oh, no!

Oh, my god.

- Why didn't you shoot him?

- Shoot him?

You mean my f***in' partner?

- He's a zombie!

- Ah,

back the f*** off, zombies.

They're bullshit.

Let me think a second.

- While you think about

things I'm gonna take a sh*t.

- You take a sh*t

and I'll shoot you.

- What?

F***.

- Hello, come in.

This is Harvey here,

we have a real serious

situation, I need back-up.

Hello?

Officer ts5291.

I need assistance, come in.

What the f*** is going on?

- It's spread.

- What, the zombies?

- They've taken over the old,

now it looks like the

whole village is infected.

- Infected, by zombies?

- Yeah.

- Well you got a signal

on that phone of yours?

- Oh, not yet.

One bar.

Ah, two.

Oh, my god, no!

Bugger,

bugger, bugger, bugger!

- Look, hurry.

- Get off, me,

I'm trying to get in.

Ah, for f***'s sake.

- Boom!

- Ah, get him, get him.

We've got a big gun now.

Oh, Christ.

- Sorry, I cant

hold it in any longer.

Oh, my gosh.

There.

So,

what's the plan?

- I'd rather you didn't

speak to me when you're,

when you're takin' a sh*t.

- We need a plan.

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