Doing Time on 'The Longest Yard' Page #3

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B*tch!

Yeah, you better run, woman.

Yo, football.

Take a seat.

Thanks.

You know, I have never seen

one inmate just walk in here

and be unanimously hated

by the entire population.

- I ain't never seen it.

- How'd I get so lucky?

You could have robbed banks,

sold crack,

stole your grandmama's pension,

and nobody would have cared.

But shaving points off a football game?

Man, that's just un-American.

- You play football?

- Me? No.

I suck so bad, they used to pick me

after the white kids.

Used to be mad too. It's like, "l can't

believe I picked a nigga that can't play."

- Caretaker.

- Paul Crewe.

Whatever your pleasure,

I can facilitate.

You need weed, you need meth--

Hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man.

I know how you white boys

always deal with that depression.

I mean, me personally, I don't

understand what you white boys

all depressed about.

Hey, you're white. Smile.

And for a small fee,

I can even get you McDonald's.

- Really?

- Yeah, that's right. Mickey D's.

My man Cheeseburger Eddy

got the hookup.

Cheeseburger Eddy?

That's right.

We can get our McFlurry on.

Enjoy it, fat man.

What about the love

of a beautiful woman?

Well, you're gonna have

to lower your standards

on the beautiful part

and on the woman part.

Hey.

Let's just stick

with the cheeseburgers.

Oh, they ugly now, but in eight months,

he gonna look like Beyonce.

No, thanks.

Now, here's the most important part.

You can't let these guys scare you.

You can't let them punk you.

Because if you do that, you gonna

end up being somebody's b*tch.

Don't want that.

Thanks for the advice.

Hey. Let me take that tray

out for you.

I ain't done eating yet.

Oh, you're not?

I'll give it back to you, then.

You're dead!

Hornet's Nest!

Everybody stay down.

Stay quiet!

Come on, Crewe, get up.

Get up, superstar.

Yes, sir.

You think you can do anything

you want around here, don't you?

Well, you are no different

than any other piece of sh*t

that calls this place home.

Really? These guys think

you're a dumb redneck too?

Girl, that's your new boo.

You better cut that sh*t out.

It's getting old.

That's gonna cost you.

Looking forward to it.

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

Hey, superdick.

Warden's wondering if your stay

in the hotbox has changed your mind.

How long have I been in here?

One week. Wanna go for two?

How'd you find these guys anyways?

Recruitment, boy.

When college stars don't get drafted,

they need a place to go.

A job, money, security.

Who drank all the damn Gatorade?!

Damn it!

And apparently steroids.

Look, seems like you got all the talent

you'd want. So why do you need me?

Well, now, you might

find this hard to believe,

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