Death At A Funeral

Would you like to see before, you know...

Yeah.

Brian? Who's this?

You know, I asked myself the same thing

when my dad passed.

I said, "Who is this man?"

No, no, Brian. Who's this in the coffin?

- Because that's not my father.

- Are you sure?

Are you asking me if I'm sure

I know what my father looks like?

No, people make mistakes

in a time of grief, Aaron.

Look at the damn body, man.

Oh, sh*t.

- You got Jackie Chan in there!

- Okay, listen...

Come on, Brian.

You know what my father looks like.

We are very scattered today.

This type of thing almost never happens.

- Almost never happens?

- I said that out loud?

It's not Burger King.

You can't just mess up my order.

Please, just calm down.

I think I know where he is.

You think?

If my dad's not in this coffin in one hour,

then you have to take his place.

- You got it?

- Don't worry. I'll get him back.

I promise that. He's in one of two places.

I think it's the second place.

Listen, okay, guys? Let's pack this up.

Close this.

Let's go, let's get out of here.

Wait a minute, before we move...

Okay. Did I give you my keys?

No. They in the car.

I left the damn keys in the car.

Let's go, guys. I think it's on.

If you're so antsy about being here,

why'd you come out in the first place?

- You know why.

- I hate funerals.

All about death, death, death.

I don't think funerals are designed

for anybody to like, Norman.

I suppose.

I don't want a regular funeral

when it's my time to go, you know.

I want my life celebrated.

Like Anna Nicole Smith, Richard Nixon,

somebody big and powerful.

I want mine to be the saddest day ever.

Stock market should crash,

factories shut down,

girls crying in the streets.

That kind of thing. An eclipse would be nice.

- Come on.

- What?

You still smoking after all of

those warnings and stuff out there?

No, Norman, stop, all right.

You used to smoke.

We used to smoke together.

I used to piss my pants and then I stopped.

I got my own problems to worry about

without worrying about your damn smoking.

Come on, Norman.

What problems you got, man?

- I told you! My rash!

- Got to use condoms, papa.

- On my hand, dude.

- You still have to use a condom, Norman.

That's the first line of defence.

This sh*t ain't normal. Look at it.

- F***. That ain't a rash, man.

- What you think it is?

I don't know, but it's very splotchy.

Splotchy? I hate splotchy.

I'm gonna pass away, I'm gonna die!

- Nah.

- And I'm so damn young!

They brought the wrong body.

Honey, did you hear me?

They brought the wrong body.

Oh, my God!

Well, do they know where he is?

They think so.

I told you.

I told you not to use the Marshalls,

but, no, you wanted to keep it all

in the neighbourhood.

Don't rub it in, not today.

I got too much to worry about.

Dad insisted on having his funeral

at home, so now I just can't escape it.

Death is everywhere.

Baby, no. No, it's not.

Mom won't stop crying.

- Ryan hasn't helped out.

- Not like he ever does.

Plus on top of that, I got to worry

about this whole eulogy thing.

I am sure it'll be the best eulogy

anybody's ever heard.

Doesn't matter.

All anybody's gonna be thinking is,

"Why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy?

"Step aside and let the writer

say a few words."

Even I'm gonna be thinking it.

Why don't you just let him do it then?

So, now you want Ryan to do the eulogy?

No. I'm just saying...

You're just saying that you wanna

hear Ryan's eulogy.

No. You're the oldest, so...

So, the only reason I should do it

is because I'm old.

Aaron, calm down.

I think that you are every bit

as good a writer as your brother.

I just think that you need to let

someone actually read your book.

It's not ready yet.

Okay, fine. But don't forget,

we close on the house next week.

- I know.

- I mean, I love your mom,

but I am so ready to move.

I know, honey,

but we just got to get through today, okay?

Exactly.

I know this is rough.

But it's the last day of my cycle.

And I'm 37 years old, so we need to try to,

you know, we need to do it,

at least once today, okay?

- Babe.

- Yeah?

You're gonna have to switch that cycle

down to low for now, just for now.

Can we at least find the body first?

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, I'm a... I'm a little nervous.

Why, because you're gonna see

my dad again?

I just don't think I've ever been

so openly hated by anyone before.

Even my seventh graders aren't that mean.

I think he's gonna be more concerned today

that his brother just died than be...

- Babe.

- I'm sorry, baby. It's the traffic.

Right. Anyway, when I tell him

that we're getting married,

he's just gonna have to accept you. I...

- Jesus! Are you okay?

- Oh, my God.

- You a**hole!

- F*** you, b*tch.

Oh, yeah, flip me off.

Can't you see there's a traffic jam?

You poke your eye out,

your father's gonna kill me.

- Oscar, baby.

- Yes.

- Look at me.

- Okay.

- Relax. Okay?

- All right.

Everything is fine. Okay? Breathe.

Okay.

- Better?

- Better.

Oh, good. It's okay.

F*** you!

I think you'll find that

everything is in perfect order.

Oh, so, now you wanna be professional.

You got your keys?

You got your BlackBerry?

Because once we bury him,

we not gonna dig him back up

just so you can tweet.

Look, I'm trying, okay?

Hey, how is your mother holding up, Aaron?

She's fine. She's in great health.

- There's no more business here.

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