Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #2

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call a Jewish guy

by his actual Jewish name.

So, now Charlie

is a self-contained unit.

He is dependent upon no man

and no thing...

Except crack, jack, crank,

meth, ludes,

Vicodin, blow, acid,

uppers, poppers,

"E," nitrous, dust, hash,

and this one boner medicine

from Norway.

He's the reason

a dick with cocaine on it

is called a "sheenis."

Wow.

Wow.

He's still with us,

Charlie Sheen.

In fact, Charlie just celebrated

his 46th birthday...

Thank you.

Thank you.

A statement no one thought

we would ever hear--

kind of like,

"Get Jeselnik on the phone."

Or...

Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it."

Or Jon Lovitz saying,

"one [bleep] at a time, please."

Charlie allegedly

made a prostitute cry

at the Plaza hotel.

I want to tell you though,

Charlie, I think she's lying.

'Cause I saw the scene

where you got arrested

in Wall Street.

You can't even

make yourself cry.

But, you know, with all those

"Dangerous Jobs" shows on TV,

like the ones about crab

fishing, ice-road trucking,

why is there no show

about the most dangerous

job out there--

Being an escort

for Charlie Sheen?

How long must we wait

for the first season

of Deadliest Snatch?

I'm ready to see that right--

right now.

Honestly, Charlie,

I never thought

I would live to see the night

that you would live

to see this night.

I really didn't.

And now our first roaster,

Jon Lovitz.

He was one of the stars

of a Saturday Night Live cast

that the critics have hailed

as "not the worst."

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the star

of "Two and a Half Chins,"

one of my favorite

SNL comics ever,

Jon Lovitz.

Thank you for that

introduction, Seth MacFarlane.

Anyway, I am Jon Lovitz,

although I think most of you

know me by my stage name--

J-Lo.

Thank you.

Well, look at this dais.

Mike Tyson is here.

Yes, sir.

You know, his boxing nickname

is iron Mike,

which is what the guards

used to scream at him

in the prison laundry.

I don't do that anymore, Jon.

Well, I know

you don't do that anymore.

You're not in prison anymore.

Just making it clear.

He's funny.

Hey, how did Amy Schumer

get here?

I'd ask whose [bleep]

she sucked to get on the dais,

but she's dating

Anthony Jeselnik,

so I'll just ask him.

Anthony, whose [bleep] did

Amy suck to get on the dais?

Who else is--

Oh, hello, Steve-O.

Yes, sir.

Talked to Steve-O this morning.

I said,

"How's your day going?"

He said, "Great.

I woke up, took a big sh*t,

then got out of bed...

You know, unlike all

you people on this dais,

I, uh--

I actually know Charlie,

and I'm famous.

No, he's my friend.

I've known him

for about 18 years,

and I can tell you he's nothing

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