Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #2

---

Things are hard as sh*t.

We can all do, like, four or five things,

tops.

We try other things,

but usually halfway through we are like:

"F*** it, I'm hungry.", and we quit.

We give up because sh*t is hard as f***.

I'm wrong about this?

You can do anything you put your mind to.

OK, really? Sh*t out of your eyes. Do that.

[audience laughing]

Try it. Do it.

F***ing put your mind to it.

[grunts]

Try every day for the rest of your life.

[grunts]

It will always come out

of your a**hole first every single time.

This is you every day.

"Back to the drawing board."

That's you every day

with a high dry cleaning bill

'cause you sh*t your pants.

We're not special.

But of course you feel that way.

I saw some of you guys walk in here tonight.

You're like, "F***ing here I am."

[audience laughing]

You only think that because you're you.

That's why.

If you were someone else looking at you, you might

be like, "F*** that guy. I don't like his vest."

[audience laughing]

That's the problem, really,

is that you've always only been you.

That's the problem.

You've never been anyone else, right?

So, you think you're important

'cause you live inside of your body.

You're looking out of your eyes.

And if someone pokes you, you're like,

"F***ing hey.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

Don't make me start a hashtag on Twitter."

[audience laughing]

You know how you know

that we think we're special? Because...

Here's why. 'Cause movies make a lot of money.

That's why.

'Cause we think we're special.

'Cause we'll literally sit in the theater

and watch Denzel Washington

and be like, "You know what?

F***ing that's me!

[audience laughing]

I'm f***ing Denzel in my life.

If my life were a movie,

I will be the lead.

I'm the Denzel Washington part."

No, you're not. You're not the f***ing

Denzel Washington part.

You know what part you are?

You the part where Denzel Washington

walks up to you and he's like, "Where is she?"

And then you go like this, "Oh, I don't know."

That's you.

[audience laughing]

You think you're Denzel?

You think you walk into a room full of cops

with a bunch of confidence and swagger?

Just like "So, what do we got?"

No. That's what Denzel does.

You're the guy who comes up afterwards

with a bunch of graphs spreadsheets

and you're like, "Uh, excuse me, sir.

I have a bunch of facts

that pertain to the case ahead."

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote