A Boy Called Dad Page #2

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ENGINE REVS:

All right, I'm a loser. I'll make it up to you.

- Forget it.

- Come on, give us a chance.

I said forget it. Go back to Ireland, I'm not arsed.

All right, I'll piss off, but let me do one thing first.

HE HONKS HORN:

It's Robbie.

Thought I couldn't drive!

- Hungry?

- Starving.

Viagra? What the bloody hell d'you want Viagra for?

You're 81 years of age, for Christ's sake!

You'll be pole vaulting all the way to that daycare centre,

if you're not careful. Sheila?

Home Help Sheila? Dad!

The only thing she's trying to get her hands on is your pension!

Is she there? If she's there, put her on. Put her on!

Listen, you. If you don't keep your filthy mitts off him,

I'm going to come round there

and shove that can of Mr Sheen so far up your arse,

it'll take you a fortnight to sh*t it out. Do you hear me?

- Salt and vinegar, love?

- Please.

Hey! Get out! What are you doing, you cheeky little twat?!

What did you see in me mum?

I didn't. I fancied her mate, Josie.

She had bigger tits.

She had a gob to match, though, so I sacked that idea.

What you reckon she saw in you?

I could dance.

There's three things women love.

One, a man who can dance. Two, a man who'll listen.

The trick with that is to pretend you're listening when you're not.

And, three, always agree with everything they've said,

even when they're wrong. Simple.

- I can't dance.

- Everyone can dance.

- I can't.

Get out. Go on, get out.

Go on, I'll teach you a few moves. Just go from side to side.

Oh, what?! One, two, three, four. One, two three.

MUSIC:
"The Snake" by Al Wilson

That's good! You're getting there. Feeling it, yeah.

Then you've go to and get your fancy moves.

Do your high kicks. Come on, feel it.

In time to the music.

Something like that.

Get the basics right and everything else will follow.

Tell you what, mate... just stick to two and three.

How come you can dance and I can't?

Dunno. Take after me dad. Your grandad.

What was he like?

- Do you want to be buried or cremated?

- Surprise me.

- 'Bout you?

- Neither.

They reckon drowning's a good way to go, don't they?

Dunno, never tried it.

- D'you reckon he can hear us?

- Doubt it.

- He was deaf!

- HE LAUGHS

- Are you like him?

- He was the talk of the village, me dad.

Always tellin' stories. Used to sit us on his knee

- and tell us all about the old days in Killarney.

- How old were you?

29! Nah, dunno, four or five.

Used to take us there in the school holidays.

- Took us to the Blarney Stone.

- What's that?

- If you kiss it,

it's meant to give you the gift of the gab.

- So you'll have better luck chattin' up girls.

- Did it work?

- Yeah.

- Shagged this girl called Mary there.

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