50\50

---

(BRICKS OR COCONUTS PLAYING)

So, are you staying over tonight?

I'm not sure.

There are a couple of gallery openings

I want to go to.

I'm, like, so nervous about my show.

I mean, I still have two more paintings

that I have to do.

Everything I've been coming up with

is completely derivative

of everything at the Henry.

- Where's my stuff?

- It's in your drawer.

I have a drawer?

Yeah, I just figured I'd, you know,

put some of your things in.

There wasn't anything in the drawer before.

There was a couple of things

but I moved them into a different one

'cause it made more sense that way.

Honey. We're getting so

domestic.

(HONKING)

- (HONKING CONTINUES)

- Good luck with the paintings.

I still have a lot of tooth

paste in my mouth right now.

- Have a great day.

- Okay.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Hey.

- Yo!

Sorry I'm late.

- What's that smell? What is that?

- What?

(SNIFFS) Did you sit in jam or something?

- What are you talking about? (SNIFFING)

- You smell all fruity. (SNIFFING) Oh!

Yeah. I ran out of shampoo.

I had to use Rachael's.

- That's great.

- (SNIFFING)

You smell like

you f***ed the cast of The View.

Are we gonna go?

- Why? You don't want to be late?

- Well, I'm two minutes late already.

- You're already two minutes late.

- I know.

But if you really care about that, you should

probably learn to drive. That's what I think.

I deserved that.

You know what's really gonna make us late?

What?

- When I stop for cappuccinos.

- No, no, no, they have coffee there.

- Delicious cappuccinos.

- Dude, seriously.

- Your back still hurts?

- Yeah. I'm going back to the doctor today.

- That's not right, man.

- I know.

Have you been f***ing in weird positions?

(SCOFFS) Of course,

that's where you would go with this.

Sometimes when I f*** in weird positions...

I tried froggy style for a while once with

a girl I was dating. F***ed up my back.

I don't even want to ask what that is.

It's kind of a doggy style, but like,

you're kind of way higher up...

Actually, Rachael and...

We haven't...

We haven't done it in

like three weeks, dude.

You haven't had sex in three weeks?

Well, she had a yeast infection, and then

she had her period right afterwards.

- Which has got to be done by now.

- You can't f*** with a yeast infection?

You can f*** with a yeast infection

or period.

- No. No, it hurts.

- It does?

- Well, that's what she says.

- I think that's bullshit.

No, but I've heard that before

from other girls.

Has she been sucking on your dick?

Been giving you blow jobs?

No, she doesn't like to.

She doesn't?

No f***ing sh*t she doesn't like to.

Who likes putting d*cks in their mouth?

You do it 'cause...

That's why they're called blow jobs.

- Don't get hysterical.

- It's a job.

I'm not hysterical. I think it is...

You... She stays at your house all the time.

She leaves her f***ing sh*t everywhere.

You clean it up, you're a nice person.

The least she could do is fellate you.

KYLE:
You put up with a lot of sh*t

when you're dating a hot girl.

Truthfully, that's why, if you recall,

in high school,

I didn't date any hot girls, ever.

- That's why?

- Yes, that's why.

Well, we're not in high school anymore.

The relationship that I have with Rachael

is about more than sex.

- What is it about, Adam?

- It's about each other.

You know, we care about each other,

we talk to each other. It's great.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could do that,

and then bang the hell out of each other

- afterwards?

- Ideally, yes.

But it's not a perfect world, okay?

Can you hurry up, please?

(GROANS) Just gotta tie my shoe.

Good morning, Jenny.

Hey. How's it going?

Are you on the phone? I'll be quiet.

That's so gross, man. It's disgusting.

You shouldn't do that.

Hey, Kyle, Adam.

KYLE:
Hey, Phil.

ADAM:
Sorry we're late.

Look at that, you are late. Don't do that.

I wanted to talk to you

about the volcano piece.

It's coming along really well. I've got

all the research and interviews done.

- Great.

- But the narration

is turning into a bit of a problem.

Whoever did it, he kept clearing his throat.

And he doesn't take a pause, he just keeps

talking. And if there was a pause

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

- I could cut around it. But...

- Cool?

- Grab that.

- Okay.

- So I'm just gonna...

It's like he doesn't care.

No, it's like we gotta put sh*t

on the radio every single day.

And it's pointless to spend months

working on something

that someone's gona hear for two seconds

while they're stopped at a red light.

Well, I like it when it's good radio.

Yeah, well, good luck with that.

You're in Wales? You're in Wales?

(LAUGHS)

So does that make you Welsh, or Wale-ish?

I never know which one's which.

Okay, yeah. World music.

Can you hear me? Your voice sounds weird.

You sound like a robot.

Do I sound like a robot?

Does it sound weird to you?

You have to be quieter. I'm trying to...

I said you sound like a robot to me.

Wait, go back. Go back. It's unbelievable.

I know.

See, I don't know

what world music is either.

That's what's so weird about it.

(MIMICKING KYLE)

"It's unbelievable. I know.

"I know. What is world music, anyway?

I'm such a f***ing a**hole.

"I'm the king of the f***ing world.

Suck my dick.

"My friend Adam hasn't had his dick

sucked in six f***ing months."

(LAUGHS MORONICALLY)

(DOOR OPENS)

- ROSS:
How are you?

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