The New Guy

I hear you're having troubles.

No wonder! Look at you.

You wanna change your life

so you come to hear the story.

High school popularity ain't a contest,

is a war.

Dizzy Harrison

is its greatest casualty.

See, his story

is really my story.

Because behind

every so-called hero...

...is a little pissed off dude

that don't get no credit!

We have to go back a ways.

Even as a small child, Dizzy Harrison

had his own particular style.

As you can see, I didn't

have a lot to work with.

I hurt myself!

Things didn't get any

better from there.

As the years went by,

he got taller, whiter, skinnier.

First day, senior year.

And we're gonna be

the top dogs.

I wish I'd drowned this summer.

We all do, Kirk.

We'll always be Blips.

Blips?

We're barely on the radar!

Not this year. We're seniors now.

I'm with Dizzy on this one.

Its never too late

to make a change.

Full metal jacket.

Dad, put those away!

You're such a dork!

I say we bail.

Home schooling?

My dad could teach drinking.

Nobody bails, bands stick together.

Guys, relax. Music has

the power to transform.

There's some pain.

Good luck, son!

Yo, Blip? Little help?

I'll never get used to that.

Can anyone help me?

Get out of the way!

You're not going to talk to her.

That is Tina Ass-good, man!

Like a wood elf versus Al'Kabor.

You'll get power leveled!

We're not playing EverQuest,

we're on earth.

Speak for yourself.

I'm going in.

Take that.

I know I can do this.

Tina!

You are?

Dizzy.

You gonna help me, or what?

Yeah!

You got to know your...

Its very technical.

A Blip is talking to Tina Osgood.

Look at my boy!

Didn't they tie you up last year and

make you wear rubber breasts?

You remember!

Thats really sweet.

I imagine God having an ass like that.

Did that sound gay?

I've been thinking,

we're seniors now...

...and maybe sometime, if you

wanted to drink coffee...

...near me...

...l would pay.

Truthfully?

Yeah?

You're not my...

Type.

You know those moments

when a man makes...

...a decision thall change his life...

...and he steps up to become the hero

he was meant to be?

This ain't one of those moments.

I thought about this type thing.

To be honest,

you're not my type either.

Did you think thatd work?

No, but I thought it was

worth giving it a shot.

You know something?

Yo, freak!

What are you doing?

Talking.

Innocent conversation.

Innocent? Then whas this?

Oh, my God! Thas disgusting!

Loser, nice pup tent!

We need to cover you up.

What is this?

Mrs. Whitman! Its my...

Its mine now!

Is this a weapon? You can't bring

loaded weapons to school!

You're tearing the skin!

My deal!

I'm showing this to Principal Zaylor.

Cut it out!

I know what you're thinking.

Its not medically possible.

But let me ask you this.

Are you a doctor?

I have good news.

Your son's condition is treatable.

What condition? The fact

that I can pee around a corner?

Watch your mouth.

He can't help it. Whas wrong

with Dizzy, in medical terms...

...its called Tourette's syndrome.

Tourette's syndrome?

Are you out of your f***ing mind?

Language, son.

You won't cure him with force,

Papa Bear.

Its going to take a lot of hugs

and a lot of drugs.

Only take one of these a day.

Nice pack.

There he is.

Diz?

They gave me these pills for my

Tourette's, but they're not working.

Come on, is not that bad.

Not that bad?

At least as Blips...

...we were invisible.

You break your dick in front

of the whole school...

...people remember that.

His life is ruined.

I mean, I'm an idiot.

I'll never be able to go back

to school again.

I need more of these pills.

How can you be depressed with all this

beautiful church music playing?

Yes, yes, yes!

Thank you, brothers and sisters

of the Sunshine Gospel Choir.

Very stirring.

Very hip.

Amen!

Yes, yes, yes.

Now, do the rest of you young

people know what else is hip?

Sexual abstinence.

Can I get an amen on that?

Amen!

Glory hallelujah!

Glory hallelujah!

I said, glory hallelujah!

Glory hallelujah!

Glory hallelujah!

Ladies and gentlemen...

...brothers and sisters...

...I'd like to talk to you

all about sex!

The devil's middle name, sex!

Amen!

Do you know what the best form

of sexual abstinence is?

Being me.

Can I get an amen?

Amen!

Do you wanna talk about some pain?

Let me hear you!

That boy's got the spirit!

He's an idiot!

Has a member of the opposite sex

ever told you you're not her type?

Let me hear you shout amen...

...if you ever had duct tape ripped

off your naked buttocks!

Let me hear you shout amen if you

ever had your manhood right-angled...

...in front of the

entire congregation!

Now let me hear you shout

amen up high.

Amen!

Let me hear you shout amen!

Diz was in pain. He was in trouble.

He needed guidance.

He's about to get a lesson in bad,

from the best in the business.

What happened to Paco?

I got no answer to that question.

Back up. The new man is mine.

Not the crazy eyes, Luther.

I was just messing.

Been looking at my Janet?

No. No way.

Eighteen years and 41 days,

is me and you, baby.

Okay, I'm scared.

Guard?

Relax, white boy.

Whad you do to get in here?

I'm not really sure. I've been

heavily medicated lately...

...and the last thing that I remember

is my dad dropping me off at school.

You in high school?

Yes.

I still get chills thinking about it.

Fish sticks!

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote