The Infidel Page #2

or I can't marry uzma.

Give me one thing.

Give me one thing guaranteed

to make me less calm

Than inviting

arshad al-f***ing-stalin

Into my family.

Look.

[ truck beeping ]

I just parked

for two minutes!

It was two minutes!

This is my dead mum!

My dead mum!

Tossers!

I don't believe it!

[ panting ]

They never come

'round this way,

Not this time

on a Thursday...

Not unless

someone was...

Was that you?

You f***ing...

[ classical music plays ]

What's your problem,

man?

I'm trying to clear out

my dead mother's house here!

[ speaking arabic ]

You got something

against my family?

Is that what it is?

Against mini-cab owners?

Right, yeah, I got it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ laughs ]

It's muslims, isn't it?

Muslims.

Come out here.

Stop it. Leave it.

Dad, leave it.

F***ing come out here!

Just leave it.

All right, I'm easy. Easy.

All right, I'm calm.

Stop! Dad, stop it!

Come here!

It's not worth it!

Stop it!

They think

they own the world.

Come on. A minute ago,

it was just the road.

I don't mean cabbies.

The car's at the pound

in charlton street.

I love this one.

Never knew what it meant.

"he who looks after an orphan

shall be in paradise."

Ah. Yep.

Yep, of course.

Because the prophet sallallahu

alayhi wa sallam was an orphan.

I knew that, rashid.

His father died

before he was born.

You know,

I've read my qur'an.

Yeah, well, the qur'an never

actually mentions his parents.

Anyway, dad,

here's the thing --

I really want

to marry uzma,

And I know her stepdad

might seem a little strict.

Yeah.

But we need him to think

we're proper muslims.

[ scoffs ]

we are proper muslims.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

I meant observant ones,

you know?

Rashid, listen.

Look, I may not say my namaz

five times a day, okay?

I may not even,

you know, fast

Every day

of ramadan, you know?

And, now and again,

A small sip of the old pale ale

passes my lips.

But in here, in here,

by the name of the prophet,

Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,

allah lives, okay?

Come on.

Okay, dad.

Of course.

I just need that

to be clear, you know?

When the time comes,

I think maybe it's

what they would have wanted.

[ sighs ]

you're right.

All right.

I promise, okay?

I promise that when

fundamentalist fatty fatwa face

Comes around...

Dad.

...I'll be very --

don't do that.

I'm joking.

I promise that

when uzma's stepdad pops by,

I will be the best muslim

I can be.

Hey?

Thanks, dad.

Come on.

Thanks.

Come on,

let's finish up the job.

Subhan'allah,

look at all this stuff.

God, my dad's military service,

discharge certificate.

You got mum's

birth certificate.

You got my birth...

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