The Infidel

-- Captions by vitac --

Captions paid for by

tribeca entertainment, llc

[ arshad shouting in arabic ]

Reporter:
Voices were raised

in protest today

At the home office decision

To allow militant egyptian

cleric arshad al-masri

Into the u.K.

For a lecture tour.

Al-masri, seen here preaching

in pakistan,

Is a controversial figure

both at home and abroad

And has been linked

to extremist islamic groups.

The reaction of the british

muslim community

Has been mixed,

with some saying --

oh, f*** off.

[ electronic pop music plays ]

never say what you can he a

when voices whisper

in your ea r

Mommy, mommy,

mommy.

One, two, three.

Move your arms.

Move your arms.

Come on.

[ speaking

indistinctly ]

[ doorbell rings ]

cold comfort bound

in the night's warm air

That's it.

Come on.

[ doorbell rings ]

there's someone else

in h ere

Come on, darling.

see it in myself

why don't you close

your eyes at midnight?

Darling, he's here.

Delivery man's here.

why can't you close

your eyes for me?

Is it all there?

Yeah.

Tell akhmed thank you.

[ sighs ]

Whoa! What do you want?

What do you want?

A jihad

on the great satan.

Well, we,

the imperialist empire --

We surrender

to your holy power.

Saamiya:
I wish you wouldn't

teach her those words.

I'm not being funny,

But does lady gaga look

like an ostrich or what?

It'll be

absolutely brilliant.

You've got nothing

to worry about.

I'm sure the weather

will hold out.

I've already called time

on my son.

Oh, yeah,

I promised dad

I'd help him sort out

grandma's house.

Ah, right,

right, right.

No, no, I was

on my way out anyway.

Make sure you carry

all the boxes, okay?

Ta, mahmud.

Hey, ladies.

[ music continues ]

why don't you close

your eyes at midnight?

what about now?

Okay, mum.

why can't you close

your eyes for me?

why don't you close

your eyes at midnight?

you'd see the other side

of me

other side of me

Whoa!

Weirdo! Aah! Weirdo! Aah!

[ wind whistling ]

I wanted to speak to you

about something.

What? Is it the --

is it the new imam?

Look, I know he's a bit

of a "trendy" --

don't do that.

Do what?

The inverted-commas thing.

Yeah. Readily, it is a bit

of a "cunty" thing to do.

[ tires squealing ]

Christ, bloody cabbies.

They think they own the road.

Look, here's the thing --

I think I know what you

really want to say. I know.

Do you?

Yeah.

Yeah, uzma's a lovely girl,

but, you know, men --

For men, women are like

a buffet, aren't they?

You know,

you don't want to sit down

Till you've piled your plate up

as high as possible, you know,

So it's toppling

all over, you know.

You got a bit of red meat,

you got a bit of poached salmon,

A bit of turkey meat,

a bit of white meat, huh?

You get my drift?

So, it's an all-you-can-eat

deal, this buffet, is it?

Exactly.

Get off.

Dad, the only woman

I'm interested in is uzma.

I don't like buffets.

I prefer sit-down meals

in restaurants.

Yeah, I know, I know,

I know, restaurants,

Where you always order

the same thing --

Chicken karahi with chips

and tomato sauce.

Yeah, I do.

So next time I need a dose

of middle-aged muslim misogyny,

I will call hanif kureishi.

Dad, I need to tell you

something about the wedding,

And I just need you

to listen, you know, calmly.

Okay, all right.

Okay, you got it.

I'm zen.

I'm gandhi.

Go. Go for it.

Right. Well --

[ tires squealing ]

aah! Dad!

Stupid f***.

You stupid

tossing wanker!

What's your f***ing problem?

Learn to f***ing drive!

[ classical music plays ]

Wanker!

Moron!

F***ing stupid fuckwits!

All right, where were we?

I know uzma's mum

has been in pakistan.

I'm not completely

out of the loop.

Okay, well, um, she --

she's met someone.

Hmm?

A man.

You know, she's obviously still

a very attractive woman,

Especially the, uh --

Would it upset you

if I said the word "tits"?

Yes.

Although I --

The point -- the point is she's

gonna get married again, right?

Yeah, I'm not surprised,

given the --

No, don't do

the tits action again.

Look, what I'm trying

to say --

When did uzma's dad

die, again?

Three years ago,

so, look --

You know, um,

when my dad died,

I was still so young,

you know?

I didn't want mum to even look

at another man.

But now she's gone, too,

so, looking back --

Uzma's flying out tomorrow

to pakistan

For her mum's wedding,

right, and --

When do we meet

this new stepdad of hers?

Well, um, they're all coming

back week after next,

And he wants

to meet us then...

Yeah?

...Me, mum, you.

Okay, no problems.

So, who is he?

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yes.

No!

That's fair enough, you know,

given the --

Shut it!

Get in here!

Have you gone

completely mental?!

Um, did you put

a parking permit in the car?

Don't change the subject!

God, isn't it enough that you

and I put on a rucksack,

We get a whole f***ing

tube carriage to ourselves?

Dad.

Uh, wait a minute.

I know this is in here.

Dad, come on.

Look at this.

Do you know why mum kept that?

I wrote a letter

to this paper once,

Explaining why people like us

have to stand up

To wahhabi nutters

like your would-be dad-in-law.

"this is an issue which should

unite all british muslims,

Whether sunni or shite."

Yeah, well, I wrote a letter

complaining about that,

But they didn't print it

for some reason.

Calm down. Listen.

We need his approval,

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