Meet the Blacks
Hey, guys.
Tonight is the Purge...
and I want all
of my white friends to be safe.
Rules of the Purge.
You have 12 hours...
to do any crime you want
against anyone you want.
You can shoot,
kill, stab.
Twelve hours
of death, mayhem.
Lock your doors.
Protect yourself.
Make sure
your rent is paid...
and all of your pets
are put up.
But the most important
rule of all...
stay tight, stay white...
and this is only
gonna last one night.
Let the games begin.
All right, I wasn't gonna do this,
but forget it.
Here goes nothing.
This is a story
about the worst day of my life.
Well, one of them.
See, I was wiring sh*t,
car stereos, alarms,
you name it.
Don't Hate Wiring,
that's my company.
And that's me,
Carl Black.
You see this ugly cat
right here?
That's Key Flo,
a big-time drug dealer.
One day while working
on his alarm...
Key Flo got busted.
They took his ass
far away.
What they didn't know was in his house
was a loz' of money.
$0 I took i2' as a payment
for all the work I did.
With a payday like this...
it was time to move.
Well, I did owe a few people
in Chicago a few things...
but no one's tripping.
So I loaded up the family
and got the hell out of Chicago.
Leaving Chicago
before the Purge...
was the greatest thing
I ever done.
I met this cool dude
on the Internet...
who helped us qualify
for this big-ass house in Beverly Hills.
I might've falsified
a few things...
but, hey,
this is for my family.
Those are my kids.
My son Carl Jr.
thinks he's a damn vampire.
Think again, buddy.
And this dummy
with this do-rag?
That's my little cousin Cronut.
He went to jail
for some parking tickets...
and now he think
he's a gangster.
Ride my mustache.
That's my beautiful wife.
Did I mention
the greatest thing about my move?
Rich people don't purge.
Getting the hell out
of Chicago...
was the best thing ever.
Well, here's how
the worst day started.
Hey, come on, man!
Hey, how you doing, sir?
- You lost?
- I beg your pardon?
Man, you gotta be.
Check this out.
Go right down here,
make a U-turn...
then you can pull right out,
and you'll get back...
to wherever it is
you need to get to.
- I live here.
- No. No, I'm serious, man.
I live right there
at Cherry Blossom.
- I'm Carl Black.
- Black?
You said Carl Black?
I just moved
from Chicago.
Man, listen,
I'm gonna be real with you, man.
Don't no niggas
live here, man.
I'm the nigga
that living here!
I'm the new nigga
that living here, all right?
Save me some trouble, man.
We've been having
all these break-ins...
and the rappers dance,
loud mus... rims.
Come on, man.
Look at you, man.
You can't live here, man.
Go on and make...
Don't f***ing try
to play me like this!
I live here!
I'm f***ing crazy!
Look at my eye
right here.
- Okay, you're right. I see.
I found it.
You're right.
Carl Black.
Right here. Carl Black.
- You said I can go?
- My bad, man.
Thank you, brother.
Have a nice day, man.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- B*tch.
Please don't tell me
your ass is in California.
Don't call my phone
no more.
You told me you were
going to the store!
- I'm married now.
- You're married?
You keep blowing up...
Look, you pissing me off...
to the highest
of "pisstivity."
"Pisstivity" ain't even
a word, dumb-ass.
Shoranda, I don't wanna
be over at your house...
with all them kids over there
smelling like urine.
I know you didn't
just say that about my kids.
You b*tch, nigga!
Come out!
Come to me!
Everybody is gonna
come in your house...
they're gonna f*** you!
I've traveled a long way
to find you.
Hey! Caesar!
Don't try to play me.
You're Carl Black
from Chicago, right?
Yeah, and you're Caesar
from The Planet of the Apes, right?
Do I look like
a f***ing joke to you?
- Yeah.
Hey, man!
Don't hit me with no... don't do that!
Don't do that.
You're harassing me.
You're at my mansion.
I'm in Beverly Hills.
No, don't do that.
If you didn't
do nothing wrong...
if you was
none of this sh*t
would happen.
- I wouldn't have to be here.
- I ain't did nothing wrong!
You're too black
to profile another black person.
- What's wrong?
- "Do I think you're black"?
Look at me
and look at you!
- We are both black people.
- You are black as f***.
What the f***?
Don't say that.
Don't put that Ebola finger
in my face.
No
- Look at your feet.
What the f*** is wrong
with my feet?
You think this sh*t
is a game?
You f***ing
redbone b*tch...
don't ever disrespect
my feet like that again.
- I'm not disrespecting you.
- Yes, you are...
and it's because
of your company...
that Don't Hate Wiring...
that has destroyed
the best restaurant...
- No, don't--
- Not just restaurant.
African restaurant
in the city of Chicago!
Who else
have you f***ed up?
I done wired
I'm from the hood.
I made it out of there.
We wired
Bishop Tutu's hut.
We wired
ldi Amin's bathroom.
So get on
out of here, man.
You're very disrespectful.
- Well, you b*tch nigga.
- No, you're a b*tch nigga.
And whatever container
you came in...
and whatever trunk they smuggled
your black ass in...
take your ass back.
Hey, who are you
talking to?
- B*tch.
- Hey!
- Don't touch!
- Throw them keys again.
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"Meet the Blacks" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/meet_the_blacks_13587>.
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