Meet the Blacks

Hey, guys.

Tonight is the Purge...

and I want all

of my white friends to be safe.

Rules of the Purge.

You have 12 hours...

to do any crime you want

against anyone you want.

You can shoot,

kill, stab.

Twelve hours

of death, mayhem.

Lock your doors.

Protect yourself.

Make sure

your rent is paid...

and all of your pets

are put up.

But the most important

rule of all...

stay tight, stay white...

and this is only

gonna last one night.

Let the games begin.

All right, I wasn't gonna do this,

but forget it.

Here goes nothing.

This is a story

about the worst day of my life.

Well, one of them.

See, I was wiring sh*t,

car stereos, alarms,

you name it.

Don't Hate Wiring,

that's my company.

And that's me,

Carl Black.

You see this ugly cat

right here?

That's Key Flo,

a big-time drug dealer.

One day while working

on his alarm...

Key Flo got busted.

They took his ass

far away.

What they didn't know was in his house

was a loz' of money.

$0 I took i2' as a payment

for all the work I did.

With a payday like this...

it was time to move.

Well, I did owe a few people

in Chicago a few things...

but no one's tripping.

So I loaded up the family

and got the hell out of Chicago.

Leaving Chicago

before the Purge...

was the greatest thing

I ever done.

I met this cool dude

on the Internet...

who helped us qualify

for this big-ass house in Beverly Hills.

I might've falsified

a few things...

but, hey,

this is for my family.

Those are my kids.

My son Carl Jr.

thinks he's a damn vampire.

Think again, buddy.

And this dummy

with this do-rag?

That's my little cousin Cronut.

He went to jail

for some parking tickets...

and now he think

he's a gangster.

Ride my mustache.

That's my beautiful wife.

Did I mention

the greatest thing about my move?

Rich people don't purge.

Getting the hell out

of Chicago...

was the best thing ever.

Well, here's how

the worst day started.

Hey, come on, man!

Hey, how you doing, sir?

- You lost?

- I beg your pardon?

Man, you gotta be.

Check this out.

Go right down here,

make a U-turn...

then you can pull right out,

and you'll get back...

to wherever it is

you need to get to.

- I live here.

- No. No, I'm serious, man.

I live right there

at Cherry Blossom.

- I'm Carl Black.

- Black?

You said Carl Black?

I just moved

from Chicago.

Man, listen,

I'm gonna be real with you, man.

Don't no niggas

live here, man.

I'm the nigga

that living here!

I'm the new nigga

that living here, all right?

Save me some trouble, man.

We've been having

all these break-ins...

and the rappers dance,

loud mus... rims.

Come on, man.

Look at you, man.

You can't live here, man.

Go on and make...

Don't f***ing try

to play me like this!

I live here!

I'm f***ing crazy!

Look at my eye

right here.

- Forest Whitaker eye.

- Okay, you're right. I see.

I found it.

You're right.

Carl Black.

Right here. Carl Black.

- You said I can go?

- My bad, man.

Thank you, brother.

Have a nice day, man.

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- B*tch.

Please don't tell me

your ass is in California.

Don't call my phone

no more.

You told me you were

going to the store!

- I'm married now.

- You're married?

You keep blowing up...

Look, you pissing me off...

to the highest

of "pisstivity."

"Pisstivity" ain't even

a word, dumb-ass.

Shoranda, I don't wanna

be over at your house...

with all them kids over there

smelling like urine.

I know you didn't

just say that about my kids.

You b*tch, nigga!

Come out!

Come to me!

Everybody is gonna

come in your house...

they're gonna f*** you!

I've traveled a long way

to find you.

Hey! Caesar!

Don't try to play me.

You're Carl Black

from Chicago, right?

Yeah, and you're Caesar

from The Planet of the Apes, right?

Do I look like

a f***ing joke to you?

- Yeah.

- Consider yourself served.

Hey, man!

Don't hit me with no... don't do that!

Don't do that.

You're harassing me.

You're at my mansion.

I'm in Beverly Hills.

No, don't do that.

If you didn't

do nothing wrong...

if you was

a perfect human being...

none of this sh*t

would happen.

- I wouldn't have to be here.

- I ain't did nothing wrong!

You're racial profiling me!

You're too black

to profile another black person.

- What's wrong?

- "Do I think you're black"?

Look at me

and look at you!

- We are both black people.

- You are black as f***.

What the f***?

Don't say that.

Don't put that Ebola finger

in my face.

No

- Look at your feet.

What the f*** is wrong

with my feet?

You think this sh*t

is a game?

You f***ing

redbone b*tch...

don't ever disrespect

my feet like that again.

- I'm not disrespecting you.

- Yes, you are...

and it's because

of your company...

that Don't Hate Wiring...

that has destroyed

the best restaurant...

- No, don't--

- Not just restaurant.

African restaurant

in the city of Chicago!

Who else

have you f***ed up?

I done wired

all these different houses.

I'm from the hood.

I made it out of there.

We wired

Bishop Tutu's hut.

We wired

ldi Amin's bathroom.

So get on

out of here, man.

You're very disrespectful.

- Well, you b*tch nigga.

- No, you're a b*tch nigga.

And whatever container

you came in...

and whatever trunk they smuggled

your black ass in...

take your ass back.

Hey, who are you

talking to?

- B*tch.

- Hey!

- Don't touch!

- Throw them keys again.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes