Man on the Moon Page #5

George nods admiringly.

GEORGE:

He does a hell of an Elvis.

CUT TO:

INT. NY IMPROV, BACKSTAGE - 1975 - LATER THAT NIGHT

Andy is packing up his things. He very methodically folds

each item of clothing, then checks the creases.

George strolls up.

GEORGE:

Hey, I really enjoyed your set.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

Tank you veddy much.

GEORGE:

So I understand you're from

Lithuania?

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

No. Caspiar.

George is puzzled.

GEORGE:

Caspiar? I haven't heard of that.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

It's a veddy small island in de

Caspian Sea.

(beat)

It sunk.

GEORGE:

Oh. Hm. I'm uh, sorry.

(beat)

Well, look, I'm probably out of my

mind -- but I think you're very

interesting. If you ever need

representation... we should talk.

George hands him a BUSINESS CARD. Andy reads it -- then his

eyes pop. He DROPS the accent.

ANDY:

Mr. Shapiro, it's an honor!!

George realizes it's all been an act. He laughs heartily.

GEORGE:

Caspiar, huh?!

CUT TO:

INT. SOHO HEALTH FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT

A Bohemian health food restaurant, staffed by hippie

waitresses in sandals. Andy and George sit together, trying

to get a sense of each other.

ANDY:

You see, I want to be the biggest

star in the world.

George is surprised at this hubris.

GEORGE:

People love... comedians.

ANDY:

I'm not a comedian. I have no

talent.

(he shrugs)

I'm a song-and-dance man.

George looks up at Andy -- and inexplicably there is a giant

MOIST BOOGER hanging from Andy's nostril.

George cringes. He doesn't know what to say.

A waitress brings over two plates of awful 70's HEALTH FOOD

-- seaweed, beans, stringy paste. George frowns. Andy

beams.

ANDY (cont'd)

Mmm! I particularly recommend the

Lotus root.

Andy pulls out a little Handi-wipe and cleanses his hands.

Then he starts arranging the food in compulsive little

piles:
Beans in pinwheel shapes. Sprouts in piles.

George peers at the bizarre food behavior.

GEORGE:

You show a lot of promise... but...

my concern is I don't know where to

book you. You're not a stand-up...

your act doesn't exactly translate

to films... help me... where do you

see yourself?

ANDY:

(bright)

I've always wanted to play Carnegie

Hall.

George is unsure if that's a joke.

GEORGE:

Yeah, ha-ha. That's funny.

Andy dips his silverware in the water glass. Two dunks,

then he dries it with his napkin.

George stares, perplexed. He looks back up -- and Andy's

booger has suddenly switched nostrils.

Huh?

ANDY:

See, I don't want easy laughs.

Andy's about to eat -- but first bows his head in silent

prayer. George raises an eyebrow. Andy snaps his head back

up.

ANDY (cont'd)

I want gut reactions! I want that

audience to go through an

experience. They love me! They

hate me! They walk out -- it's all

GREAT!

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