Happy Birthday
Brady?
- Hey, babe, it's me.
Hey. I took the red-eye,
- Surprise.
So, how was it?
- It was great, actually.
- Good.
- I met DMC. Run DMC.
- What?
- Yeah. He's adopted, too.
He was telling me he spent
his entire life in queens
from his birth mother.
Never knew it.
- Wow.
- And they were talking about
fate and if he wasn't adopted,
would he ever have been
in run DMC? It was cool.
- That's crazy.
It's like you.
See? It's fate, babe.
- Fate, god, whatever,
I'm happy.
- Oh, cougar breath.
- Okay.
A little role-play,
no kissing. I like it.
- I'm on my period, babe.
- That's okay. Okay.
I remember when we
first started dating.
We'd have sex whether
you were on your period
or the house was burning down.
I'll be right back.
- Okay.
- What the f*** is this?
- What is that?
"She told me she had
a boyfriend the morning after."
- Wait, what?
Where did you get that?
- Maybe if you didn't nag me
to put the toilet seat up
all the time...
Let me see the string.
- What?
- You have your period.
Let me see the string!
- Look, Brady, I'm sorry.
I got really drunk, I didn't
know what I was doing.
I'm sorry.
- Well, happy f***ing birthday
to me.
What?
"Gremlins"? You want me to do
a reboot of "gremlins"?
Okay, I tell you what.
I will do a remake
of "gremlins," but this time
can't it be a racist
commentary against white people?
Yeah. Well, the original
was just a racist movie
about a bunch of troublemaking
dark-skinned critters
afraid of water,
break dancing to rap music,
staying up all night and eating
f***ing fried chicken.
Hello?
F***, dude.
- How long do you think
this has been going on for?
'Cause I replay it like...
- dude. F*** her.
Come on. It's your birthday.
Let's get sh*t-canned. Do
you have to work this weekend?
- Yeah, I do, actually. I have
to f***ing take meetings
for that lesbian action movie,
"hurricane dykes."
- All right, I should be
f***ing directing that.
Come on. Can't you get me
a meeting Sy?
- You can maybe get him
a cup of coffee.
- I thought you were
my best friend. Wow.
- I can't just get you a job,
okay? That's not how it works.
- No, it's fine. You'll see.
One day
I'm gonna have a project that's
gonna blow your f***in' mind...
But you'll just pass it up
'cause you're thinkin'
about your f***ing girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
- What are you working on now?
'Cause I've got
the most amazing f***ing story
you've ever heard.
"Batshit," tale to the heart
of darkness,
classic black-hat villain,
twists, turns, danger, drugs.
Unexpected love.
- Sounds great, man.
- Sounds f***ing great.
- You guys ready to order?
- I'd like the French toast,
please
and more coffee, whenever
you get a chance. Thanks, man.
- And for you?
- Yeah, eggs Florentine
with the poached, and a bagel
instead of the English.
- Did you just get a bagel?
- Yes, I did.
- I'm impressed. Wow.
- If you caught your brother
with his dick in a bagel hole
when you were 11.
- He likes lots of cream cheese.
- No cream cheese.
I don't think I can ever
But thanks.
- Thanks, man.
- Oh, hey, look.
Before I forget.
Happy birthday, buddy.
- Wow!
black card for this, huh?
- Look at it.
- Tijuana?
- Tijuana? What do you think,
I'm half a fag?
Tijuana's for p*ssy tourists
and college students.
You know what? I thought
we could get a couple
of wheelchairs and role-play
"born on the fourth of July."
Dude, your girlfriend
cheated on you.
So you've got no choice
but to go to Mexico,
and f*** the grossest hooker
we can find.
So no, I am not taking you
to Tijuana.
I am taking you
to the "real" Mexico.
Drug roulette? Drug roulette?
- No.
I don't want to play drug roulette, man.
- Come on.
- Have you actually been
to Mexicali before?
What's the danger level
we're looking at here?
- It isn't number one on the top ten
most dangerous cities in Mexico.
Okay, look,
would you stop worrying?
Please. Come on, dude, look.
I've taken care of everything.
- Does your dad know you
have this?
- Mm. Only way that soulless
bastard shows affection.
- Yeah, at least you got one
to be disappointed in, man.
- Didn't you find your real dad?
Granted, he's got a whole
other family
and doesn't give two shits
about you
but f***ing look at you, man.
You are one step away
from the most powerful guy
in Hollywood.
Who, by the way,
treats you more like a son
than my dad does me.
What's the yellow one?
Is that Adderall or Propecia?
Okay. That's like
the tenth f***ing time
you've checked that phone
in the past five minutes.
Do you want me to turn around?
- No.
No, no, no, no. F*** that b*tch,
right? F*** her.
- That's right. Yeah.
F*** that whore, dude.
What happened to that one chick?
That hot Asian girl
from the "green inferno" party?
- She had a penis.
- Oh, right, she did.
- She was hot, too. Too bad.
- Too bad. She had a penis.
- Yeah, I'll tell ya,
I'd rather date a Tranny
than date one of those
giant muscle chicks.
Did you ever see that porno
with that Chyna wrestler?
- No, man.
- Her clit was so f***ing huge,
it was like a bloated,
boiled cashew.
- Gross, man. I changed
my mine. I want to turn around.
We're gonna turn this around.
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"Happy Birthday" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/happy_birthday_9593>.
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