Casting Couch

[rumbling]

- HI, I'M LINDSAY GRIFFIN.

- I'M CHELSEA MORGAN.

- KRISTIN FOX.

- TAYLOR HAWKINS.

- I'M KIMMY.

- ALEX TAYLOR.

- HI.

- DALLAS MITCHELL READING

FOR THE ROLE OF BROOKE.

- I'M JUSTIN,

BUT SOME PEOPLE:

CALL ME BRILLIANT.

- AMERICA

- AND FOR THOSE OF YOU

THAT DON'T YET,

YOU WILL.

- BE ANYONE,

TELL NO ONE:

GET LAID:

- TODAY'S THE DAY

THAT I OFFICIALLY REALIZED

THAT MY LIFE SUCKS.

YES, I'M HUNG OVER.

YES, LAST NIGHT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.

AND YES, I WOKE UP ALONE AGAIN.

WELL, NOT TOTALLY ALONE.

COME SAY HI, NEWT.

- UH, HI.

- AND RIGHT NOW, I SHOULD BE

GOING ON MY NEXT AUDITION.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.

GO AHEAD, NEWT.

ASK ME WHY.

- WHY?

- BECAUSE I WON'T GET THE PART.

I NEVER GET THE PART.

AND HONESTLY,

I REALLY DON'T WANT THE PAR

IN THIS SHITTY, LOW-BUDGE INDEPENDENT MOVIE

WITH A BUNCH OF SHITTY

F***ING WANNABE ACTORS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT?

GO AHEAD, NEWT.

ASK ME.

- WHAT DO YOU

REALLY WANT, JUSTIN?

- TO GET LAID

BY A RIDICULOUSLY HOT CHICK.

- I HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

HE WANTS TO SHOO SOME KIND OF DOCUMENTARY.

BUT HE OFFERED ME TEN BUCKS

AND A CHIPOTLE BURRITO

FOR EVERY DAY I FOLLOW HIM

AROUND WITH MY CAMERA.

- WHAT, DON'T AC LIKE YOU'RE ALL COOL.

YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED.

- THIS IS TRUE.

[dubious guitar chords]

- PROBLEM IS, TYPE OF GIRLS

THAT I WANT TO BANG

DON'T WANT TO BANG ME.

THESE HOLLYWOOD HOTTIES

WANT A GUY WITH POWER.

THEY WANT SOMEONE

WHO CAN CHANGE THEIR LIFE.

AND BY LIFE, I MEAN CAREER.

THE PERFECT HANGOVER CURE.

[angelic choral singing]

THIS DOCUMENTARY IS

ABOUT A GROUP OF DUDES

WHO HOLD A FAKE CASTING SESSION

FOR A FAKE MOVIE

SO THAT WE CAN GET LAID

FOR REAL.

COME ON, NEWT.

LET'S GO GET CHASE.

[music playing]

HEY, ROOMIE.

- GET OUT.

- HE'S LIKE A KITTEN

IN THE MORNING.

I NEED YOU GET OVER JORDAN, MAN.

- I'M OVER HER.

- WELL, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT.

- IT'S REALLY OVER THIS TIME.

- MY ROOMMATE?

MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM.

CHASE LOCKWOOD?

HE'S A MAJOR STAR IN CHINA

AND INDIA:

FOR SOME "B" HORROR ALIEN FILM

HE DID.

HE MIGHT EVEN BE A BIGGER STAR

IN WEST HOLLYWOOD

FOR STARRING:

IN WHAT I LIKE TO CALL

THE BISEXUAL PARODY

OF TWILIGHT.

HE WAS THE "EDWARD."

THAT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY, BRO.

PEOPLE THAT BREAK UP 17 TIMES

ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- UNDERSTAND WHAT?

- SHE WAS THE BEST SEX EVER.

- YOU KNOW, IT DID SOUND

PRETTY GOOD.

[knocks lightly]

PAPER-THIN.

NOW, CHASE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND,

JORDAN HOLLIDAY,

SHE'S A SMOKING-HOT CHICK.

BUT I'M SURE YOU KNOW THAT,

SEEING AS SHE IS

A HUGE MOVIE STAR.

- SHE'S SO HOT

SO I'MA TAKE HER HOME

TO MAKE:

- BUT SHE'S THE BIGGEST B*TCH

WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI.

THINK HER EXACT WORDS WERE...

- "I NEED A MAN, NOT A BOY."

- LOVE MY ROOMMATE.

LOVE LIVING IN HIS CONDO.

BUT HE'S TOTALLY

ONE OF THOSE ACTORS.

AND WE'RE STATING

HE'S A MODEL TOO--

NOT FOR ANYTHING GOOD.

[chuckles]

IN FACT, HE MAY BE THE VAINES PERSON IN LOS ANGELES,

COMPLETE WITH:

A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX.

- SHE'S SO HOT

SO I'MA TAKE HER HOME

TO MAKE:

- IN FACT, IF YOU ASK HIM,

HE'LL TELL YOU

HE INVENTED ZOOLANDER.

- DO I HAVE A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX?

[scoffs]

NO.

BUT I DID COME UP

WITH THE IDEA.

- [chuckling]

- SO I WAS SITTING

IN A STARBUCKS,

AND I WAS TELLING THIS CHICK

THE IDEA,

AND I WAS PROBABLY TALKING

REALLY LOUD, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I WAS EXCITED.

AND I LOOKED OVER,

AND THERE'S F***ING BEN STILLER

STANDING THERE,

LISTENING TO ME WHILE HE WAITED

FOR HIS COFFEE.

- AND WHAT WAS

BEN STILLER DRINKING?

- AND THEN HE WALKED OU WITH HIS FRAPPUCCINO.

- BUT MY ROOMMATE'S GONNA BE A

VERY VALUABLE ASSET TO THE PLAN.

IF I'M GONNA CAS A FAKE MOVIE,

I'M GONNA NEED A SOMEWHA RECOGNIZABLE ACTOR ATTACHED.

AT LEAST HE HAS CREDITS.

[drum cadence]

I NEED YOU, MAN.

- I NEED GOOD SEX.

- EXACTLY.

I'LL HELP YOU.

NOT BY PLAYING:

WITH YOUR PECKER.

- [sighs]

YOU'RE GONNA GET ME JORDAN BACK.

- NO.

I'LL GET YOU SOMEONE HOTTER.

- [scoffs]

NOT POSSIBLE.

- OKAY, SOMEONE EQUALLY AS HOT.

ANOTHER ACTRESS.

YOU COULD MAKE HER JEALOUS.

- I'M LISTENING.

- EVERY AUDITION I GO TO,

THERE'S A LINE OF GIRLS

OUT THE DOOR.

AND THEN WHEN YOU GET INSIDE,

IT'S A BUNCH OF DOUCHE BAGS

HOLDING THE AUDITIONS.

- SO JUSTIN TELLS ME

HE HAS A PLAN.

- THESE GUYS AREN'T EVEN COOL.

THEY DO HAVE THE ATTENTION

OF OVER 100 SMOKING-HOT CHICKS.

- JUSTIN'S A NICE GUY.

HE'S GOT A KIND FACE.

HE'S INSTANTLY LIKEABLE.

BUT IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE HIM

IN A PHRASE,

HE'S ULTRA MEDIUM.

- I MEAN,

I'M A GOOD-LOOKING GUY.

- HE'S NOT GOOD-LOOKING,

BUT HE'S NOT BAD, I GUESS.

- I'M HILARIOUS.

- HE'S NOT FUNNY,

BUT HE'S NOT NOT FUNNY.

- I'VE GOT A JOB.

- HIS JOB SUCKS ASS.

[chuckles]

BUT AT LEAST HE'S GOT ONE.

- SO WHY CAN'T I HAVE

ONE OF THESE GIRLS?

- OH, JUSTIN, OKAY.

I'LL PLAY ALONG

WITH YOUR LITTLE GAME.

- SO CHASE IS IN.

HIM AND I ARE GONNA BE THE LEADS

IN THIS FAKE MOVIE.

BUT NOW WE NEED A CREW.

TIME TO ASSEMBLE THE TEAM

OCEAN'S ELEVEN STYLE.

- I LOVE HOW JUSTIN MAKES

AN OCEAN'S ELEVEN REFERENCE.

HE TOTALLY VIEWS HIMSELF

LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY.

WELL, NEWS FLASH, J BONE.

YOU'RE NO CLOONEY.

[chuckles]

BUT I COULD SEE:

HOW HE'D THINK

I'D BE THE BRAD PITT.

[camera shutter clicks]

[upbeat pop punk music]

- WE'RE LIVING HERE

IN HOLLYWOOD:

UNDER THE SKIES OF BLUE

- THESE GUYS:

ALSO BRILLIANT.

- WHAT'S UP, BIOTCHES?

WHAT'S UP WITH THE CAMERA?

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