American Pie Page #5

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Oz musters a little LAUGH.

KEVIN:

(half-joking)

Stifler, you're such an a**hole.

STIFLER:

Meyers, what's the deal with you and

Vicky, anyway? You've been going out

since Homecoming and all she'll do is

blow you? Sh*t, I'd drop her like a

steaming turd.

FINCH:

Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of

stool?

STIFLER:

(momentarily puzzled)

I do when I'm throwing them at your

mom, you damn freak.

(then)

Alright then, see you guys tonight.

I'll look for you in the No F***ing

section.

The guys all take this little too seriously to have a

comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks

off.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a

tuxedo. INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on

his cell phone, traveling down a California road.

KEVIN'S BROTHER

You called me to ask me how to get laid?

KEVIN:

What was I gonna do, call dad? I

don't even know his number.

KEVIN'S BROTHER

Just dial 976-A**hole.

KEVIN:

Yeah, well anyway...I thought you

might have some advice, brother to

brother. I mean, I think tonight she

might, we might really, there's a

chance that -- you know.

KEVIN'S BROTHER

Have you ever heard of the bible?

KEVIN:

What? Not the Bible?

KEVIN'S BROTHER

Well, that's not really the name, but

we always called it that.

KEVIN:

Does it tell me how to get laid?

KEVIN'S BROTHER

You know what, nevermind. You're not

ready.

KEVIN:

Ready for what?

KEVIN'S BROTHER

Whoop, you're fading out. Good luck

at that party.

INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON

A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme,

CLASSIC ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a

table. They munch on hot dogs piled high with

condiments.

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