The Urn-- An Eddie Hoar & Serwood Doller Caper Page #2

INT. FRONT ROOM OF COTTAGE - NIGHT

Eddie has a flashlight on and is splaying the beam around the room. It is a dated living room--sofa, two stuffed chairs and a table with a lamp. Eddie stops the beam on the mantlepiece above a fireplace and directly on to an ornate urn.

EDDIE (EXCITEDLY)

There it is. Just like I told ya. Take it down.

DERWOOD:

I don’t know, Eddie, I got the

creeps.

EDDIE:

I’ll creep you. Get it down, will

ya? I’m holding the flashlight. I can’t do everything.

Both men walk to the fireplace. Derwood puts both hands on the urn and grunts. He starts shaking.

EDDIE:

Jesus, what’s the matter now? Is

it electrified?

DERWOOD:

I can’t move it. It’s stuck.

There are loud scratching noises.

Whattaya mean scratching at merchandise.

EDDIE:

stuck? And stop it. You’ll ruin my

DERWOOD LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY) (

I ain’t scratching anything.

EDDIE:

Twist it around. Maybe the old

bag glued it on.

(CONTINUED)

6.

CONTINUED:

7.

DERWOOD:

If she did, she used Superglue.

Derwood turns, looks toward Eddie, his eyes bulging.

DERWOOD Ummm...ahh...Eddie...

EDDIE What’s the matter now?

Derwood points behind Eddie.

DERWOOD Be...be...behind you.

Eddie turns and the flashlight’s beam falls on the face of an ugly and none to friendly-looking dog, who is pawing at the floor and then begins to growl.

Eddie holds up his free hand, palm toward the animal.

EDDIE (VOICE SHAKING) Easy, boy, easy.

The dog growls more and flashes his teeth, as Derwood begins to edge slowly toward a window. Suddenly he makes a dash for it.

DERWOOD:

The window, Eddie, the window.

I’m gettin’ outta here.

EDDIE:

Outta my way! I’m goin’ first. I

came in first, I should leave first..

Eddie collides into Derwood trying to get by him. He shoves Derwood out of his way and heads for the window. He drops the flashlight and, in the dark, all hell breaks loose. The men scream, furniture and lamps tumble over, glass breaks, the dog barks and then the gnashing of teeth. Derwood makes it to the window first, throws it open and piles out. Behind him there are more screams, along with a cacophony of noises.

ACT 3

INT. KITCHEN OF A SMALL, DUMPY STUDIO APARTMENT ON OCEAN BOULEVARD - DAY

Eddie and Derwood are seated on plastic-covered chairs around a formica table. Eddie also has a rubber donut under his ass. He has on grayish BVDs that bag around his scrawny,pale thighs. His arms and legs are covered with gauze and tape. Derwood only has a few small bandages here and there on his body.

Derwood points at the donut under Eddie’s ass and smirks. Eddie scowls.

DERWOOD:

You outta be happy, Eddie. The

doc said if that mutt took a bigger piece of your ass, you woulda needed a new one.

Eddie shifts in his seat and grimaces.

EDDIE:

Very funny. You and that quack up

at Exeter Hospital are regular comedians...not! If youda let me out that window first, like I told you to, none of this woulda happened to me.

DERWOOD:

But then it woulda happened to me,

Eddie. I’d be sittin’ on that whatchamacallit. It was all your fault, after all. Always is. You and your crackpot ideas.

EDDIE:

My fault? How was I supposed to

know she had Cujo for a pet?

DERWOOD:

I just thought of somethin’. You

didn’t know that plumber before you met him in the bar, did ya?

EDDIE:

How do I know? I’ve met almost

everyone on the beach at one time or another. I’m well known around here.

8.

(CONTINUED)

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