Ted script
Ted (2012)
Synopsis: When John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) was a little boy, he made a wish that Ted (Seth MacFarlane), his beloved teddy bear, would come alive. Thirty years later, foul-mouthed Ted is still John's constant companion, much to the chagrin of Lori (Mila Kunis), John's girlfriend. Though Lori's displeasure is exacerbated by the pair's constant consumption of beer and weed, she's not the one who's most disappointed with John; it may take the intervention of John's boyhood toy to help him grow up at last.

EXT. SPACE - X

As the Universal logo completes itself, we begin to

slowly push in on the East Coast of the United States.

The camera glides down through the atmosphere, through

the clouds, closer and closer, until we begin to see

large patches of snow covering the upper coastline. It's

winter. We continue to push in, until we arrive at one

small suburban neighborhood. Over the push-in, we hear

the following narration, delivered by Patrick Stewart.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

It has been said that magic vanished from

our world a long time ago. And that

humanity can no longer fulfill its

desires through the power of wishes.

To those who have lost the wondrous

vision of childhood eyes, submitted here

is the story of a little boy, and a

magical Christmas wish that changed his

life forever.

EXT./ESTAB. A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING

NARRATOR (V.O.)

It began in 1985, in a town just outside

Boston.

We see a GROUP OF KIDS laughing and tossing snowballs at

each other in the street.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

It was Christmas Eve, and all the

children were in high spirits. That

special time of year when Boston children

gather together and beat up the Jewish

kids.

Another little kid walks out of his house with a sled,

and starts walking up the street. One of the snowball-

throwing kids points at the sled kid.

KID #1

Hey, Greenbaum!

GREENBAUM:

Uh oh.

KID #1

It's Jesus' birthday tomorrow! You know

what I'm gonna get him?

GREENBAUM:

W...what?

(CONTINUED)

2

CONTINUED:

KID #1

My fist in your fuckin' face!

GREENBAUM:

Why would Jesus want that?

KID #2

Get him!

The kids all chase Greenbaum up the street, and tackle

him. Another boy, JOHN BENNETT (about 8 years old, shy

and innocent-looking) approaches the melee.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

But there was one child who wasn't in

such good spirits. Little John Bennett.

That one boy in every neighborhood who

just has a tough time making friends.

JOHN:

Hey guys, can I play?

The kids all look at him.

KID #1/#2/#3

Get outta here! / Get outta here,

Bennett! / Get lost, Bennett!

The Jewish kid, his face bloodied, looks angrily at John.

GREENBAUM:

Yeah, Bennett, get outta here!

The kids go back to beating up Greenbaum, as John sadly

walks back toward his house.

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

NARRATOR (V.O.)

John longed with all his heart for that

one true friend that he could call his

own. And he knew that if he ever found

that friend, he would never let him go.

John sadly sits by his window with his chin in his hands,

looking outside. John'S POV - We see the other kids all

playing in the snow: building snowmen, throwing

snowballs, etc. At one point, a BLACK KID IN A

WHEELCHAIR wheels up. The other kids welcome him with

open arms, and he immediately joins in the fun.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Well, as it does every year, Christmas

morning finally came.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

3

CONTINUED:

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)

All the children were opening their gifts

with holiday glee.

INT. A SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING

A LITTLE GIRL opens a present as her parents look on,

smiling. Inside is a My Little Pony. She smiles with

delight.

INT. ANOTHER SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING

A LITTLE BOY opens a present as HIS PARENTS look on,

smiling. Inside is a G.I. Joe Hovercraft. The boy is

overjoyed.

INT. A THIRD SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING

ANOTHER LITTLE BOY opens a present as his parents look on,

smiling. Inside is a "Darth Vader head" action figure case.

The boy opens it up, revealing that it's full of "Star Wars"

action figures. The boy jumps around ecstatically.

EXT./ESTAB. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING

INT. A FOURTH SUBURBAN HOUSE - SAME

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And for little John Bennett, Christmas

Day brought a very special new arrival.

John sits amidst unwrapped gifts. We see him opening a

present. Inside is a plush, adorable-looking teddy bear.

The boy holds it with delight.

JOHN:

Wow!

HIS MOM AND DAD hug him.

JOHN'S DAD

I guess Santa paid attention to how good

you were this year, huh?

JOHN'S MOM

(KISSING HIM)

Merry Christmas, John.

John hugs the teddy bear. It makes a cutesy, high-

pitched "I wuv you" sound. John gasps with delight.

(CONTINUED)

4

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

He talks!

John giggles happily, squeezing the bear to make it talk,

as his mom and dad exchange a smile.

JOHN (CONT'D)

I'm gonna name you Teddy.

INT. JOHN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

John sits on the floor watching the 1980 film "Flash

Gordon" on TV. He eats Twizzlers with Ted sitting next

to him. Occasionally he gives Ted a "bite."

NARRATOR (V.O.)

John became instantly attached to Teddy.

There was something about that bear that

made him feel as if he finally had a

friend with whom he could share his

deepest secrets.

INT. JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT

JOHN:

Hey Teddy... can I tell you something

nobody knows?

Teddy looks back at him, expressionless.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Last week, my mom and dad took me to the

park for a picnic. And they have this

duck pond there, and... when nobody was

looking, I pooped in my hand and threw it

at a duck. Was that mean?

He squeezes Ted, who once again makes the "I wuv you"

sound.

JOHN (CONT'D)

(HUGGING HIM)

I love you too, Teddy!

John gets into bed with the teddy bear, and snuggles with

it.

JOHN (CONT'D)

You know... I wish you could really talk

to me. Because then we could be best

friends forever and ever.

(CONTINUED)

5

CONTINUED:

John drifts off to sleep. The camera moves toward the

window, and drifts outside. It pulls back from the house

slowly.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Now, if there's one thing you can be sure

of... it's that nothing is more powerful

than a young boy's wish.

(BEAT)

Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache

helicopter has machine guns and missiles.

It is an unbelievably impressive

complement of weaponry. An absolute

death machine. Well, as it turned out,

John picked the perfect night to make a

wish.

EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The camera pivots around to face the sky. We see the

snow falling from moonlit clouds. At the center of the

clouds, there is a small patch of open air through which

we can see stars. Suddenly, a shooting star whizzes by

through the opening.

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

SLOWLY PUSH IN on the teddy bear's face as John lies

sleeping next to it.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - NEXT MORNING

The house and yard are covered with snow.

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - SAME

John slowly opens his eyes. He turns over to face Teddy,

but we see that Teddy is no longer next to him. John

bolts upright and looks around, frantically.

JOHN:

Teddy?

(beat, a bit more concerned)

Teddy?!

(CONTINUED)

6

CONTINUED:

John looks under the covers, but the bear is not there.

He jumps out of bed and looks around the bed's perimeter,

assuming that Teddy must have fallen off during the

night. Finally, he checks underneath the bed. ANGLE

FROM UNDERNEATH THE BED we see John looking around.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Teddy?

John sits up again and freezes, looking right into the

camera, wide eyed. ANGLE ON JOHN'S P.O.V.: We see the

face of Teddy staring right at him. Teddy blinks once.

TEDDY:

Hug me.

John yelps and stumbles back, falling over. He stares at

Teddy, breathing heavily.

JOHN:

Did you... did you just talk?

TEDDY:

You're my best friend, John.

JOHN:

(BEAT)

You're alive?!

TEDDY:

Uh-huh.

JOHN:

Whoa...

TEDDY:

Don't look so surprised. You're the one

who wished for it, aren't you?

JOHN:

Yeah, I... I did wish for it.

TEDDY:

Well, here I am.

JOHN:

You mean... we get to be best friends...

for real?

TEDDY:

For real.

JOHN:

Forever and ever?

(CONTINUED)

7

CONTINUED:

TEDDY:

Sounds good to me.

A huge grin spreads across John's face. He gets up, runs

to Teddy and hugs him.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

John was just about the happiest boy in

the world. And he couldn't wait to tell

everyone the good news.

INT. KITCHEN - SHORTLY AFTER

John's Dad sits at the breakfast table, reading the paper

as John's Mom prepares eggs and bacon, putting it on

their plates.

JOHN'S MOM

Well, I think we had a wonderful

Christmas this year.

JOHN'S DAD

One of the best.

(SLYLY)

And I particularly enjoyed the gift you

gave me last night.

John runs into the kitchen.

JOHN:

Mom! Dad! Guess what?! My teddy bear's

alive!

John's Mom and Dad look at each other and smile.

JOHN'S MOM

(PLAYING ALONG)

Really, sweetie? Well, that's exciting.

JOHN:

No mom, he's alive! For real! Look!

Teddy walks in and stands next to John.

TEDDY:

Merry Christmas, everybody!

John's Dad scrambles to his feet, knocking plates off the

table. John's mom screams.

JOHN'S DAD

Jesus H. Fuck!

(CONTINUED)

8

CONTINUED:

TEDDY:

Let's all be best friends!

JOHN'S MOM

Oh my god...

JOHN'S DAD

John, get away from that thing! Come

over here, right now!

JOHN:

BUT DAD--

JOHN'S DAD

GET OVER HERE!

John reluctantly walks over to his dad, who grabs him and

protectively pulls him aside.

JOHN'S DAD (CONT'D)

Helen, get my gun.

JOHN:

Dad, no!

TEDDY:

Is it a hugging gun?

JOHN'S DAD

Helen, get my gun, and call the police!

TEDDY:

I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn't mean to

scare anybody. I just wanted John and I

to be friends.

JOHN:

Yeah, Dad! I made a wish last night that

Teddy was alive, and my wish came true!

JOHN'S MOM

(ASTONISHED WHISPER)

My god, Steve... it's a miracle. A

Christmas miracle.

They stare at Teddy for a beat.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Well, it wasn't long before the story of

John's little miracle was sweeping the

nation.

9

INT. NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)

We see an 80's NEWSCASTER behind the news desk. A

graphic of the bear is over his left shoulder.

NEWSCASTER:

Out of a Boston suburb comes what is,

without a doubt, the most incredible

story in the history of broadcast news...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DIFFERENT NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)

We see an 80's FEMALE NEWSCASTER. A graphic of the bear

is over her left shoulder.

FEMALE NEWSCASTER

...young boy's stuffed animal has

magically come to life for as yet unknown

reasons. Scientists are stumped as to

how...

AA18 INT. ANOTHER NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV) AA18

We see a `70S SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER with a CHYRON that says

"ACTION NEWS GEORGIA". He points manically at the

graphic of the bear above his left shoulder.

SOUTHERN NEWSCASTER

Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus

did! Look what Jesus did!

INT. JAPANESE NEWSROOM - DAY (ON TV)

A MALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER and FEMALE JAPANESE NEWSCASTER

sit behind the desk. Between them, at the top of the

screen, is a picture of the bear.

FEMALE NEWSCASTER

(SPEAKS JAPANESE FOR A FEW MOMENTS)

The male newscaster turns sharply to her.

MALE NEWSCASTER:

(ADDRESSES HER ANGRILY IN JAPANESE)

He strikes her for an unclear reason. She buries her

head in her hands, in shame.

10

INT. TONIGHT SHOW - DAY (ON TV)

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Before long, Teddy had become a huge

celebrity in his own right.

We see REAL FOOTAGE of "The Tonight Show" from the `80's,

with Johnny Carson talking to Teddy, who is sitting in

the guest chair (If appropriate footage is accessible,

will include Teddy walking out on stage, shaking hands

with Johnny and sitting down.)

REST OF CARSON SCENE TBD BASED ON ARCHIVE FOOTAGE

INT. A SHITTY APARTMENT - NIGHT

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

John and Teddy are in bed, under the covers with a

flashlight.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

But through all the fame, Teddy never

forgot his very best friend, John.

JOHN (O.S., UNDER COVERS)

The thunder can't get us, right?

TEDDY (O.S., UNDER COVERS)

Nope. We're thunder buddies. And the

thunder knows it. We're totally safe.

ANGLE UNDER THE COVERS - we now see them.

JOHN:

Teddy?

TEDDY:

Yeah, John?

JOHN:

Do you promise we'll always be together?

TEDDY:

I promise.

Another thunder clap.

TEDDY (CONT'D)

Thunder buddies for life.

JOHN:

Thunder buddies for life.

(CONTINUED)

11

CONTINUED:

They hug as we PULL BACK SLOWLY, dissolving through the

covers.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And that was a promise that neither one

of them ever forgot.

Over the following, we continue to pull back from the

room to the outside of the moonlit house...

NARRATOR (V.O.)

So where are John and Teddy today? Well,

let me put it this way: no matter how big

a splash you make in this world, whether

you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz,

Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear,

eventually nobody gives a shit.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. BOSTON SKYLINE - MORNING

We PAN ACROSS the Boston skyline as the opening titles

roll. CUT TO various shots of the city throughout.

PAN DOWN to the streets below: several shots of the

everyday bustle of the city, then we CUT TO:

INT. YOUNG JOHN'S HOUSE - DAY (PHOTO)

Young John and Ted lie on the floor as they both grin at

the camera, chins resting on their hands.

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY (PHOTO)

Young John and Ted wave to the camera from up in a

treehouse.

A NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted

shaking hands with Reagan. The headline reads:

"America's Little Miracle". Smaller headlines read,

"Goodbye Heart Disease, Here Comes Oat Bran!" and "The

Future of Entertainment: The Laserdisc."

A US NEWS COVER SLIDES BY - It shows Ted standing in

front of an American flag. The headline reads, "Ted,

White, and Blue". Smaller headlines read, "Oliver North

Draws the Heat" and "Will Your Town Soon Have Its Own

`Robocop'?"

12

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert existing soapbox racer bit here)

EXT. PARK (PHOTO)

Ted and young John blow out the candles on a birthday

cake at John's ninth birthday party.

INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY (PHOTO)

Larry Bird stands with young John, who has Ted standing

on the top of his head. They are still nowhere near as

tall as Larry.

A TV GUIDE COVER SLIDES BY: It shows a smiling Ted with

the headline "TV'S NEW FAVORITE GUEST STAR!" Smaller

headlines read, "Inside: The Best Show You're Not

Watching!" and "The Unstoppable Phil Hartman!"

WE CUT TO TBD FOOTAGE OF "WHO'S THE BOSS?" INTO WHICH

TED HAS BEEN INSERTED.

INT. YOUNG JOHN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Young John and Ted sit on the couch smiling and laughing

as they watch the show.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT (PHOTO)

Young John wears a hooded sweatshirt as he pedals his

bike up the street. Ted sits in the front basket, like

E.T.

ANGLE ON a People magazine from 1992 that reads, "UP

CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH `TERMINATOR 2's ARNOLD

SCHWARZENEGGER!" Down below in smaller print it says

"Plus, we talk to Ted the bear".

EXT. STREET - DAY (PHOTO)

Teenage John and Ted lean against a car. Teenage John

looks indifferent and a bit jaded now.

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY (PHOTO)

John's high school graduation.

(CONTINUED)

13

CONTINUED:

ANGLE ON A TV - The nightly news is in progress. A news

anchor addresses the camera. A graphic next to her reads

"FORMER CELEBRITY BUSTED AT AIRPORT", with an

unflattering photo of Ted.

INT. AIRPORT - DAY (VIDEO)

We see Ted getting hauled away by security. A caption

below reads "Ted caught with mushrooms at airport

security". He's putting up a bit of a fight, and gives

the "finger" to the camera (the finger is pixilated).

INT. JOHN'S ROOM - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

We see 20 year-old John sitting on his bed, laughing.

Ted sits by his side, also laughing at the incident.

EXT. A MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert existing "Phantom Menace" bit)

INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert existing Chuck E. Cheese bit)

ANGLE ON A FACEBOOK PAGE FOR JOHN BENNETT: PAN DOWN to

the status indicator. It reads, "In a Relationship With

Lori Collins." An arrow clicks on her name, going to her

page. On her wall, it reads "Lori has added 3 new photos

in the album Mobile Uploads".

EXT. OUTDOOR FAIR - DAY (PHOTO)

Lori and John smile as Lori holds a big stuffed bear that

John has won for her at a booth. Ted stands nearby, arms

crossed, with a deep, disapproving scowl.

EXT. PARK - DAY (PHOTO)

In the photo, presumably taken by John, Lori stands

laughing as Ted stands behind her (standing on something)

covering her eyes with his paws.

14

EXT. STABLES - DAY (PHOTO)

John and Lori are set for a trail ride. They are both on

horses, wearing helmets. WIDEN TO REVEAL Ted, who also

wears a helmet, but rides a smiling golden retriever.

EXT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - NIGHT (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

John, Lori, and Ted play miniature golf. Lori putts the

ball, which rolls to the lip of the cup. She reacts,

disappointed. Ted makes a graceful leg sweep, pushing

the ball into the cup "accidentally". Lori smiles. John

smiles back at her. Ted winks.

EXT. BASEBALL GAME - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert "Jeter sucks" bit)

EXT. LAKE - DAY (EXISTING PHOTO)

EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP - DAY

John, Lori and Ted sit outside at a table, each holding

an ice cream cone. They stare deadpan at the camera,

each with a dab of ice cream on their noses, and a dab of

ice cream on their upper lips.

EXT./ESTAB. - JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY

John and Lori paint the apartment walls. Lori sneaks up

behind John, and paints his back. John turns around and

grabs her. They scuffle playfully, and then kiss. We

ANGLE ON Ted, who stands on a little stepladder hammering

a "Home Sweet Home" picture into the wall. He steps

back, but realizes he has nailed his hand to the wall.

He tugs, slips, and the ladder falls. Ted hangs there

like an idiot.

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)

John, Lori, and Ted sit on the couch. All three sit with

their legs crossed, faux-pretentiously raising glasses of

Jorian Hill Syrah to camera in identical poses, the wine

bottle on the table in front of them.

15

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (PHOTO)

We see a photo Ted has taken of himself. In the

background are John and Lori, playing Scrabble. Ted is

in the foreground, smiling at the camera as he holds up

his letters. He has spelled out the word "DOUCHE", with

an extra B and G to spare.

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

John, Ted, and Lori watch a horror movie on the couch.

EXT. BOSTON COMMON - DAY (EXISTING FOOTAGE)

(Insert existing John/Lori swan boat footage.)

EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - MORNING

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME

CLOSE ON a bong. PULL OUT TO REVEAL Ted, who inhales,

his snout inside the tube. Ted sits on the sofa, and for

the first time, we see Ted in his present day form: he is

ratty, patched-up, and worn-looking. He has a couple

stains, some small spots of exposed stuffing, and there's

evidence of some half-assed sewing. It's obvious he's

been around for three decades. He and John, who sits

next to him, are both clearly stoned as we join them.

John, for his part, looks far too comfortable in the too-

worn Red Sox T-shirt he wears. He eats directly from a

box of Fruity Pebbles. Reaching in for a last handful,

he finds the box almost empty. He raises it to empty the

remainder into his mouth, and accidentally pours Fruity

Pebbles all over his face. It doesn't faze him much,

though, as he brushes them off. It's quite obvious that

this is a guy who has never really given up his

childhood... and has never given up his teddy bear. Ted

passes the bong to John.

TED:

All I'm sayin' is Boston women are are,

on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than

women from the elsewheres of life.

JOHN:

That's bullshit, what about Lori? She's

hot.

TED:

Lori's from Pennsylvania, not a Boston

girl.

(CONTINUED)

16

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

They're not that bad.

John takes a hit from the bong over Ted's next line.

TED:

The fact that you have to say they're not

that bad means that they are that bad.

They turn into drunk, half-white, half-

pink monsters after 2 hours at any beach.

Ted takes a hit from the bong.

TED (CONT'D)

(COUGHS)

Jesus, this is weak. It's not even

gettin' me high. I gotta have a talk

with my weed guy.

JOHN:

I-- It's workin' for me.

TED:

I think it sucks, I'm gonna have a talk

with him.

JOHN:

Yeah, I don't know that you wanna go to a

drug dealer with complaints.

TED:

No, I know this guy a long time. I've

known him since 9/11. Remember, I was

like, "Aw, shit. 9/11. I gotta get

high."

JOHN:

(looks at his watch)

Oh fuck, is it nine-thirty? Shit, I

gotta get to work.

John gets up, and hurries into the other room to get

dressed.

TED:

Hey, you mind pickin' up a bird feeder on

the way home? I wanna start enjoying the

beauty of birds.

JOHN (O.S.)

Jesus, I don't know if I can drive.

TED:

I'll drive you, I feel fine.

17

EXT. BOSTON STREETS - CONTINUOUS

We see two shots of John's car driving through the city:

We see John in the passenger's seat putting Visine into

his eyes, with only Ted's ears and eyes showing as he

drives (his paws grip the wheel). We then cut to an

overhead pull-back shot as we move away from the car to

reveal it crossing Boston's huge suspension bridge.

EXT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - MORNING

John's car pulls up the street and into the parking lot,

scraping its side against the corner headlight of one of

the rental cars.

JOHN/TED

Aw, Jesus. / Fuck.

ANGLE ON Ted's feet. There are wooden blocks attached to

the pedals so that his feet can reach them. He slams on

the brakes. ANGLE OUTSIDE THE CAR. John gets out, and

looks at the damage.

JOHN:

Aw, man.

TED:

Is it bad?

JOHN:

It's not good.

ANGLE ON THE RENT-A-CAR OFFICE - THOMAS, the branch

manager, an intense, middle-aged man, is standing in the

doorway.

THOMAS:

John! May I speak with you, please?

JOHN:

Shit.

TED:

It's okay, go, go, I'll pull outta here.

(WAVING)

Hi, Thomas! How are ya?

Thomas dryly waves back. Ted pulls forward, scraping the

car again. He abruptly pulls out into traffic, and

another car swerves a bit to get around him, honking.

OTHER DRIVER:

Asshole!

(CONTINUED)

18

CONTINUED:

TED:

(OVERLAPPING)

Easy, Jersey license!

Ted drives away.

INT. THOMAS' OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER

Thomas sits at his desk facing John.

THOMAS:

John, it's almost ten o'clock.

JOHN:

I know, I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.

THOMAS:

What do you mean?

JOHN:

(BEAT)

I guess I... wasn't really prepared for a

follow-up question.

THOMAS:

John, all you have to do is not fuck up,

and you get my job when I go to corporate

next month. You will be the new branch

manager. All you have to do is not fuck

up, and all you're doing is fucking up.

Not that I don't think you're too fucked

up to handle not fucking up my job, but

you happen to be the least fucked-up

person in the whole office. The next

least fucked-up is Alix, and you've been

here three fucking years longer than him.

But I'm telling you, I will promote the

fuck out of him if you fuck up one more

time. That is all. Fuck.

JOHN:

Sir, I promise, you're not gonna regret

promoting the fuck out of me.

THOMAS:

Good. I like hearing that. Because in a

month my life now could be your life: a

cushy $38,000-a-year branch manager who's

personal friends with Tom Skerritt. It's

not a bad life, is it?

JOHN:

N--no.

(CONTINUED)

19

CONTINUED:

THOMAS:

Did you know I'm friends with Tom

Skerritt?

JOHN:

No.

THOMAS:

I'll show you something I don't show too

many people, because I don't want anyone

treating me differently.

Thomas takes out a framed picture of himself with Tom

Skerritt.

THOMAS (CONT'D)

That's me and Tom Skerritt.

JOHN:

(SLIGHTLY OVERDONE)

Wowwww.

THOMAS:

Goddamn right, wow. Now get outta here.

I'm gonna dock you for being late, and

for the scratch on that car. Try and be

a little more responsible tomorrow.

JOHN:

I will, sir. Thank you. I won't let you

down, Goose.

THOMAS:

What?

JOHN:

Top Gun.

THOMAS:

So?

JOHN:

Tom Skerritt.

THOMAS:

Oh.

John exits.

INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR FRONT OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

John emerges from Thomas' office, and walks out into the

front desk area.

(CONTINUED)

20

CONTINUED:

We see his coworker, Guy (a burly Patrick-Warburton

type), handing a car key and a rental envelope to a

pleasant-looking couple. He looks tired, disheveled, and

a little bruised.

GUY:

There you go, here's your key and rental

agreement, and a complimentary map of

Boston. Thanks for choosing Liberty,

drive safely.

HUSBAND/WIFE

Thank you./Thanks so much.

The couple exits. Guy turns to face John.

GUY:

Hey, heard you got busted.

JOHN:

Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, what

happened?

GUY:

I don't know, man. I got fuckin' wasted

last night, and my phone says I texted

somebody at 3:
15 asking them to beat me

up. And then at 4:30 I texted the same

person saying thanks.

JOHN:

And you don't remember it?

GUY:

No. Same as last time.

JOHN:

It... it just seems gay, doesn't it?

GUY:

I don't know. Maybe, yeah.

JOHN:

Do you think you're part of some, like,

gay beat-up underworld? Like one of

those gay beat-up clubs?

GUY:

I don't know. I dig chicks. I don't

remember any of it, I was so fucked up.

I might be gay, I don't know. You mind

covering for me for a bit? I'm gonna go

lay down in the john.

(CONTINUED)

21

CONTINUED:

Guy starts to leave, when ALIX, a foreign guy with a

vague European accent, long dark hair, and a great tan

walks up.

ALIX:

Hey you buddies. Where's it hanging?

GUY/JOHN

Hey Alix. / Hey, how was the club last

night?

ALIX:

Ah, I didn't get in because the bouncer

was doucheface, but I made friends in the

line.

GUY:

Oh, well, that's good I guess.

We see TANYA, an unbelievably gorgeous salesgirl, enter

from the back with a set of keys.

TANYA:

Hi you guys.

Over the following, Tanya puts the keys away, walks over

to her station and sits.

ALIX:

You look so pretty today.

TANYA:

Aw, thanks Alix, I worked out this

morning.

ALIX:

I can tell, you are less fat than you

have been.

JOHN:

Hey guys, does anybody know a nice

restaurant? Like something where the

napkins are cloth?

GUY:

For what?

JOHN:

Lori and I have been dating four years

tomorrow, and I wanted to take her

someplace nice.

TANYA:

Oh wow, congratulations, John.

(CONTINUED)

22

CONTINUED:

GUY:

You guys`ve been goin' out for four

years?

JOHN:

Yeah.

GUY:

THAT'S IN--

(HIGH-PITCHED)

--saaaane, my longest relationship was

like six months, and then she farted in

her sleep. I'm like, I am outta here,

man. Was gone before she woke up.

JOHN:

Wow, you're... not very tolerant, huh.

GUY:

Lori ever fart in front of you?

JOHN:

Yes.

GUY:

Really.

JOHN:

Yes. Many times.

GUY:

You Italian?

JOHN:

No.

GUY:

Oh.

JOHN:

Why?

GUY:

I dunno, just seems like-- never mind,

take her to Benihana.

TANYA:

Don't you think after four years, maybe

she's probably hoping for something more

than dinner?

JOHN:

Like what?

(CONTINUED)

23

CONTINUED:

TANYA:

Well, if I were her, I'd be expecting a

proposal.

JOHN:

Oh come on, nobody's expecting anybody to

propose. Marriage isn't... I mean, isn't

love enough? I submit that love is

enough.

GUY:

You could put the ring in her ass and let

her fart it out.

EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME

John and Ted sit on the couch, in the same exact spots we

saw them earlier, bookending the day. John drinks a beer

as they watch TV. Ted lights up a bong and inhales. The

TV blares the opening titles of the 1980 film "Flash

Gordon." As "Flash's Theme" plays:

JOHN:

So bad, but so good.

TED:

Yes, a study in contrasts.

JOHN:

Oh, I love this part.

(SINGING ALONG)

HE'S FOR EVERY ONE OF US!

TED:

(SINGING ALONG)

STAND FOR EVERY ONE OF US!

JOHN:

(SINGING ALONG)

HE'LL SAVE WITH A MIGHTY HAND/EVERY MAN

EVERY WOMAN EVERY CHILD WITH A MIGHTY

FLASH!

TED:

Fuck yeah, Flash! (then) Hey, before I

forget, let's nail down a plan for the

Bruins game tomorrow night.

JOHN:

I can't, I'm taking Lori to dinner.

(CONTINUED)

24

CONTINUED:

TED:

For what?

JOHN:

Well, we've been dating four years

tomorrow.

TED:

Oh, fuck me. Nice.

JOHN:

Lemme ask you something... you don't

think she's gonna be expecting

something... big, do you?

TED:

(BEAT)

What, like anal?

JOHN:

No, like... a circular gold thing on the

finger.

TED:

Oh, fuck that! It's four years! You and

I have been together 27 years!

Ted jumps on John, and starts playfully punching him in

the face.

TED (CONT'D)

Where's my ring, Johnny? Where's my

ring, asshole?

JOHN:

Stop it! Jesus Christ, knock it off!

He throws Ted off of him.

JOHN (CONT'D)

I mean, do you think she might be

expecting me to make that kinda move?

TED:

No, John. It's a bad idea. And it's the

wrong time. What with the economy and...

the credit bubble... the Supreme Court...

I mean, look at Haiti.

JOHN:

I guess I didn't think about that.

ANGLE ON TV - We see Flash Gordon facing Ming the

Merciless.

(CONTINUED)

25

CONTINUED:

KLYTUS (ON TV)

Who are you?

FLASH (ON TV)

Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York

Jets.

JOHN:

This is the American fantasy, right here.

A professional NFL player is called upon

to save the world.

TED:

Tom Brady could do that.

JOHN:

Tom Brady could do that.

The front door opens and LORI, an attractive girl in her

mid to late 20's, enters holding several grocery bags.

LORI:

Hi guys.

JOHN:

Hey, sweetie.

TED:

Hey, Lori.

John gets up and gives Lori a kiss.

LORI:

Ooh. I think you just got me stoned.

JOHN:

(RE:
GROCERIES)

What do we got there?

LORI:

Turkey burgers.

TED:

Oh. Okay. Are we having homos over for

dinner or something?

LORI:

(WISEASS)

No, just you homos.

TED/JOHN

Whoa!!!

(CONTINUED)

26

CONTINUED:

TED:

She's funny, John. You got yourself a

regular Toni Collette.

LORI:

Wait, who's that? Is that good?

JOHN:

She's a comedienne.

LORI:

Oh nice. Is she pretty?

JOHN:

She's as pretty as she is funny. How was

work?

LORI:

Good.

JOHN:

How's your dickhead boss?

LORI:

Rex is fine. He only hit on me once

today, so that's good.

JOHN:

I'm not saying this to be mean, but I

really hope that fucker gets leukemia.

LORI:

He's harmless, I can handle it.

TED:

Hey Johnny, while you're up, grab me a

beer, huh?

JOHN:

(crossing to fridge)

Oh yeah, a coupla' Charles Brew-Kowskis?

TED:

Yes, a Brew-stoy-ovski would be nice

right about now.

We see Lori roll her eyes. She's heard this before.

LORI:

Jesus.

JOHN:

Maybe a Mike Brew-ga-slow-ski?

(CONTINUED)

27

CONTINUED:

TED:

Perhaps a Ted Kazyn-brewski?

LORI:

Y'know, I think I might also have a

Martina Navra-ti-brewski.

JOHN/TED

Ohhhh, that doesn't work!/Come on, don't

ruin it, yeah, that doesn't work.

LORI:

Bullshit, what do you mean?

JOHN:

It doesn't work, the name has to have a

"ski" at the end of it. You just put

"brewski" on the end of Martina

Navratolova.

LORI:

I thought we were just doing funny names.

TED:

No, it's gotta have a "ski" at the end.

Otherwise where's the challenge? If

there's no "ski" at the end of the root

word, then we would just be idiots saying

nonsense.

EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

It's raining, with an occasional roll of thunder.

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME

Lori lies in bed holding an iPad, reading a gossip news

site, with the TV on. John comes out of the bathroom,

and cozies up next to her.

LORI:

(OFF IPAD)

Oh, look, they found those missing

hikers.

JOHN:

They did? What happened?

LORI:

It says they got separated and one of

them had his foot trapped under a rock

for five days.

(CONTINUED)

28

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

You know, if your leg got trapped under a

rock, I'd chew it off to get you free.

LORI:

(SWEETLY)

You would?

JOHN:

I sure would.

(BEAT)

Is that cannibalism?

LORI:

No, I think it's only cannibalism if you

swallow.

JOHN:

Oh yeah, no, I don't swallow.

She laughs.

LORI:

Really? That's not what I heard about

you.

JOHN:

It's not true, I'm a fuckin' classy

broad.

LORI:

(LAUGHS AGAIN)

I can see that.

(THEN)

Y'know, speaking of classy, Ciao Bella's

a really expensive restaurant. If you

want, we can go somewhere else tomorrow

night. I don't care, as long as we're

together.

JOHN:

You kiddin' me? Four years we been going

out, I'm takin' you to the best place in

town. I been crappin' out room for it

for two days, I know exactly what I'm

gonna order.

LORI:

(leaning in to kiss him)

You're disgusting.

JOHN:

And you get to pick any bottle of wine.

(CONTINUED)

29

CONTINUED:

LORI:

Ooh.

JOHN:

Any bottle of 2012 wine.

LORI:

Oh, are the new wines in?

JOHN:

They are in and they. Are. Fresh.

She leans over and kisses him again. He kisses her back.

JOHN (CONT'D)

I love you.

LORI:

I love you, too.

They continue to kiss, becoming more and more intimate.

She starts to pull his T-shirt off, when there is a

thunder clap from outside.

JOHN:

Ah, come on!

LORI:

(shaking her head)

I don't understand it, 35 years old, and

you're still scared of a little thunder.

JOHN:

I am not.

We hear another thunderclap. Ted runs into the room with

no warning and leaps into bed, right between Lori and

John.

TED:

Thunder buddies for life, right Johnny?

C'mon, let's sing the thunder song!

JOHN/TED

(SINGING)

WHEN YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF THUNDER, DON'T

YOU GET TOO SCARED / JUST GRAB YOUR

THUNDER BUDDY AND SAY THESE MAGIC WORDS:

FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN EAT MY ASS /

YOU CAN'T GET ME THUNDER, `CAUSE YOU'RE

JUST GOD'S FARTS.

TED:

Boomp.

(CONTINUED)

30

CONTINUED:

Lori rolls over and goes to sleep with a groan.

EXT./ ESTAB. BOSTON HIGH RISE - DAY

Lori enters the building.

INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Lori gets off the elevator, where we see several signs

that read "PLYMOUTH PUBLIC RELATIONS." Lori goes to her

desk, looking exhausted. Lori's office friends, GINA,

MICHELLE, and TRACY approach.

GINA:

Wow...Baby, I'm not saying this to be

nasty, but you look really tired.

LORI:

Oh, I'm okay... except I didn't have time

for breakfast, the garage was full, I

spilled coffee on my leg, and I have a

boyfriend who can't sleep through a storm

without his teddy bear.

GINA:

I don't understand why you keep putting

up with him.

TRACY:

Yeah, I mean, the guy's thirty-five years

old and he's working for a rental car

service.

LORI:

No, it's not that, I don't care about

that. I'd love him even if he was a

janitor. I mean, he's got a huge heart,

we laugh together all the time, and it's

just a bonus that he's like the hottest

guy in Boston.

GINA:

Yeah but the hottest guy in Boston is

like being the classiest Kardashian.

LORI:

I just wish he could get his life

together, you know? Our life. And he

can't, and I swear to god, it's all

because of that bear.

(CONTINUED)

31

CONTINUED:

MICHELLE:

You should give him an ultimatum: it's

you or the bear.

LORI:

I can't do that, he'd be devastated. And

I mean... what if he chose Ted?

MICHELLE:

Oh come on, you don't really think that.

LORI:

Not really, but what if?

MICHELLE:

Well then... things happen for a reason.

TRACY:

No they don't. That's just something

girls say when something bad happens to

them that they don't understand.

GINA:

Fuck off, Tracy.

INT. OFFICE ENTRYWAY - CONTINUOUS

Lori's boss REX (asshole handsome, mid-30's, expensive

suit) walks into the office, and approaches the gathering

of female employees.

REX:

Well hello there. Sorry if I'm

interrupting any private girl talk about

Channing Tatum's index finger but Lori I

need to see you in my office.

LORI:

Actually Rex, I have a lot of work I need

to get to--

REX:

Oh, this is work, I swear.

LORI:

(SIGH)

Okay, fine.

Lori follows Rex and gives the girls a "help!" look.

MICHELLE:

He's such an asshole.

(CONTINUED)

32

CONTINUED:

GINA:

Out of control. Such a sleaze.

TRACY:

You guys are so pathetic. You're

shitting on Rex, and you both had sex

with him.

Short beat.

GINA/MICHELLE

Like once./I was drunk.

GINA:

And so did you.

TRACY:

Well, I didn't want one of you whores

getting promoted before me.

INT. REX'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Lori sits across from Rex, who sits at a large desk.

LORI:

So... what do you need to talk to me

about, Rex?

Rex takes a framed picture out of a drawer, and shows it

to her.

REX:

See that? That's me on the diving team

in high school. We dove the shit outta

that pool that year. If you look close,

you can see the outline of my root.

LORI:

(ANNOYED)

You promised this was about work.

REX:

Lori, what is wrong with you? Why don't

you like me? I'm rich, I'm good-looking,

my dad owns the company--

LORI:

I have a boyfriend, Rex. I think you

know this.

REX:

Yeah, the guy with the teddy bear, that's

a cute relationship, but I'm talking

about being with a real man, Lori.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

33

CONTINUED:

REX (CONT'D)

Someone who wears a blazer on an

airplane.

LORI:

(STANDING UP)

I'm very busy.

REX:

Well then, how do you have all that time

to be in my head?

LORI:

Goodbye, Rex.

Lori exits Rex's office. Rex casually gets up, strolls

over to her chair, nonchalantly brushes his hand on the

cushion where she was sitting, and nonchalantly smells

his hand.

INT./ ESTAB. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT, NEWBURY STREET -

NIGHT:

INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

John and Lori sit across from each other at a

romantically set table. They've just finished their

meal. John has the remains of a lobster shell on his

plate.

LORI:

(SATISFIED SIGH)

That was perfect.

A WAITRESS approaches.

WAITRESS:

Would you like me to wrap up your

leftovers?

LORI:

Oh no, I'm fine, thanks.

John holds up the front portion of the lobster shell,

which has the face and eyes on it.

JOHN:

Actually, could you wrap just this up for

me? I wanna scare the shit outta

somebody.

WAITRESS:

(BEAT)

Sure.

(CONTINUED)

34

CONTINUED:

The waitress walks away.

LORI:

(MILDLY AMUSED)

What are you, five years old?

JOHN:

Yeah, but I read at a six year-old level.

Another WAITER approaches with a bottle of champagne, two

glasses, and some chocolate-covered strawberries.

WAITER:

Senor. Senora, here is your dessert and

champagne.

LORI:

Ooh, Cristal.

JOHN:

It's a special night. We've been dating

for four years.

(TAKING BOTTLE)

And hey, all those rich black people

can't be wrong, right?

LORI:

It doesn't seem like four years, does it?

JOHN:

(affectionately taking her

HAND)

No, it doesn't.

LORI:

You had no business being out on that

dance floor, but I'm glad you were.

INT. CLUB - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

We see Lori out on the dance floor, amidst a sea of

dancing clubgoers. Nearby, we see John dancing with a

girl, and doing it very badly. He's putting too much

into it, obviously trying to impress her. The girl is

gamely tolerating it, but is clearly not digging the

moves. John thrusts his butt back in one move,

accidentally bumping a girl behind him with enough force

to send her sprawling on the floor. As the crowd reacts

to this, we see that it is Lori. She starts to get up,

when John turns and rushes to help her to her feet.

JOHN:

Oh my god, are you okay? Oh god, I'm so

sorry!

(CONTINUED)

35

CONTINUED:

LORI:

(a little stunned)

Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.

JOHN:

Oh Jesus, I'm so so sorry! I didn't see

you! It was an accident!

LORI:

Well, yeah, I... I would hope it was an

accident.

JOHN:

Did you hurt your head?

LORI:

Um, yes. My head hurts a lot.

JOHN:

Oh, man. Here, let me get you some ice.

She sits down. He reaches into a nearby glass, pulls out

a handful of ice, and wraps it in a napkin. He puts it

against her head. She inhales sharply for a moment.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Sorry. Does it hurt?

LORI:

(beat, noticing him for the

FIRST TIME)

N... No. No it's okay.

JOHN:

(beat, noticing too)

I'm... I'm John.

LORI:

I'm Lori.

They smile at each other...

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)

LORI:

Okay, here's a question that'll show how

much you actually care about me. You

remember we stayed and talked until the

place closed, and then we went for late

night eggs and waffles, and we stayed

there til 5 a.m. watching a movie on the

little TV in the diner. Name the movie.

(CONTINUED)

36

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Octopussy.

LORI:

Gold star.

JOHN:

But does that show that I care about you,

or I care about Roger Moore?

LORI:

I'm gonna give you the benefit of the

doubt.

JOHN:

Thank you. And by the way, my dancing

was not that bad.

LORI:

(LAUGHING)

Your dancing was bad.

JOHN:

I had some cool moves.

LORI:

So do people with Parkinson's.

JOHN:

That's not how I remember it.

LORI:

Yeah, how do you remember it?

INT. SMOKY TAVERN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

We see John leaning against the bar, wearing a white Navy

officer's uniform, a la Ted Stryker in "Airplane!" as

"Stayin' Alive" blasts from the jukebox. ANGLE ON LORI,

who is up on the dance floor, done up like Julie Hagerty.

John takes his hat off, and tosses it O.S. coolly. He

struts up to the dance floor, locks eyes with Lori. They

circle one another for a beat. John suavely takes off

his jacket, twirls it in the air a few times, and tosses

it O.S. He then strikes a "finger up" disco pose, with a

bullet SFX. He and Lori begin disco dancing

simultaneously. He jumps up, locking his legs around

Lori, who spins him around in circles, as we cut back to:

INT. CIAO BELLA RESTAURANT - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)

LORI:

Whatever you say, baby.

(CONTINUED)

37

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Hey, here's to four more years, huh?

They clink glasses, and take a sip.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Now I know we said no gifts, but--

LORI:

No, we didn't.

JOHN:

--But, I got you something anyway, in

clear violation of the "no gift" rule.

LORI:

There was no such rule.

John reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small

box. Lori looks excited.

JOHN:

Lori, I've wanted to give this to you for

a long time.

John slides the box over to Lori. She picks it up.

LORI:

Oh, John.

Lori unwraps the box and opens it. Inside is a pair of

nice, but not-super-expensive-looking earrings.

JOHN:

Those are the ones you liked, right?

From that kiosk at the mall?

LORI:

Oh. Yeah.

JOHN:

Check out the card.

She opens up the card, which we see as John describes it.

It says, "Happy 4 year anniversary! Love you."

JOHN (CONT'D)

See, I even wrote the words with

different colored markers so you wouldn't

get bored while you were reading it.

LORI:

(UNENTHUSED)

Great. Thanks. Well, um, here. This is

for you.

(CONTINUED)

38

CONTINUED:

Lori hands John a small box. He opens it up, revealing a

very nice watch.

JOHN:

(OPENS BOX)

Oh wow, a Hamilton!

He puts it on his wrist.

LORI:

I remember you liked it when you saw Tom

Brady wearing one in GQ.

JOHN:

Yeah, I mean his was analog, but this is

so awesome, I love it!

She reacts a bit to this.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Y'know, Lori...

(INDICATING BOX)

Someday, there's gonna be a ring in

there. But I wanna wait `til I can get

you something really special, y'know? I

just don't have the money right now.

LORI:

John, I don't need the Hope diamond, all

I want is--

JOHN:

I know, but it's important to me that you

have the engagement ring you deserve.

And what with the credit bubble... the

Supreme Court... I mean, look at Haiti.

LORI:

Look, I'm only saying this because I love

you, but that's not realistic. You're

never gonna have any kind of a career if

you're always partying and wasting time

with Ted.

JOHN:

Oh, Jesus, here we go--

LORI:

John, please get him to find his own

place, so we can get on with our lives.

JOHN:

Look, can we talk about this another

time, and just enjoy our anniversary

dinner?

(CONTINUED)

39

CONTINUED:

LORI:

Yeah. Fine. Let's talk about it ten

years from now.

JOHN:

(rolling his eyes with a

SIGH)

Lori, we can't talk about this every time

we go out. Look, he's been my best

friend since I was eight. And I was not

a popular child. You have to understand,

I had no friends before he came along.

He's the only reason I ever gained any

fucking confidence. I coulda wound up

like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but

I didn't. `Cause of him. So, y'know,

I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick

him out.

LORI:

Well, it's good to know that a talking

teddy bear is the only thing that kept

you from gunning down your classmates,

but John, you're not eight. You're

thirty-five. And unless you're too blind

to notice, he's not your only friend

anymore. You have me. And I love you.

JOHN:

I love you, too. You know that.

LORI:

Look, I've put the best physical years of

my life into this. I mean, I'm cute now,

but in a few years my body's gonna fall

off a fucking cliff. Things'll be

hanging and stretching in ways that might

scare a man. I need to feel secure in

the fact that you won't leave me when

that happens.

JOHN:

Not only will I not leave you, it's gonna

be even better. `Cause I can have sex

with you, and press your arm fat against

a comic book so I can see it backwards.

She laughs. So does he.

LORI:

And, my boobs and vagina will all be in

the same place, so that's a lot less

movin' around for you.

(CONTINUED)

40

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

I can do it all with one hand.

LORI:

Exactly, and you can do whatever you want

with the other hand.

JOHN:

I can write a novel. Maybe a bestseller.

LORI:

We can achieve critical acclaim and

become rich just by screwing each other.

They both laugh hard.

JOHN:

Well, I hope these jokes have distracted

you from the actual problems in our

relationship.

LORI:

(SIGH)

We can't put the real conversation off

forever, John.

JOHN:

I dunno, I got a lotta fuckin' jokes.

EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Their car pulls up. They start to get out.

JOHN:

(NOTICING)

Ah shit, hang on, my phone fell under the

seat somewhere. Can you call it?

Lori punches his number on her cellphone. After a beat,

we hear The Imperial March from "The Empire Strikes

Back."

LORI:

That's my ringtone?

JOHN:

(laughs, embarrassed)

Oh, yeah...

LORI:

What is it? It sounds negative.

(CONTINUED)

41

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

No, it's from The Notebook.

He reaches under the seat, fishing for the phone, as she

goes inside.

JOHN (CONT'D)

(STRAINING)

This is gonna take some doin'.

LORI:

All right, well I'll see you upstairs.

He continues digging for the phone, as she walks inside.

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Lori walks toward the apartment, but stops as she hears

loud music coming from inside. She approaches the door

cautiously and opens it, revealing...

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Lori enters a haze of pot smoke, and a very much trashed

apartment (empty bottles, wrappers, etc.). Ted sits on

the sofa with a small group of trashy-looking women.

They're watching "Romancing the Stone," which plays very

loudly on the TV.

LORI:

What the hell is all this?!

TED:

Lori! Hey, you're home early! The

ladies and I were just watching

"Romancing the Stone." Got it on Blu-

Ray. Came in a two-pack with "Jewel of

the Nile," but I don't know that we'll

end up watchin' that one.

LORI:

This place is a wreck! Who are these

girls?

TED:

Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is

Angelique, Heavenly, Cherene, and

Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls.

Y'know, somewhere out there are four

terrible fathers I wish I could thank for

this great night.

The girls ad-lib "Hello," "Nice to meet you," etc.

(CONTINUED)

42

CONTINUED:

Lori glances around the room, then SCREAMS as she sees

something in the corner.

LORI:

What is that?!!!

TED:

What's what?

LORI:

There is... a shit in the corner! On the

floor! There's a shit!

TED:

(LOOKING OVER)

Oh man, that's what Dierdre was doin'

over there in the corner for so long.

Remember, she was crouched over there and

I thought she was just makin' a call or

SOMETHIN'--

LORI:

There is a shit!! On my floor!!

TED:

Yeah, she's passed out in the bathroom

now, she seemed like she was hopped up on

somethin'. I mean, mystery solved, I

GUESS--

LORI:

What the fuck!!!!

TED:

Lori, if I can-- now this is just

speculation, but... is it possible that

this is not so much about the stool in

the corner, and more about maybe

tonight's dinner not measuring up to your

expectations?

LORI:

What!!! The fuck!!!

Lori is speechless with rage. At that moment, we see the

lobster head poke in aggressively from behind the door.

JOHN (V.O.)

RAAARRRR!!

TED:

(POINTING)

Ahaaaaa!

(CONTINUED)

43

CONTINUED:

JOHN (V.O., AS LOBSTER)

Who lives here? I'm comin' to get

whoever lives here! You owe me lobster

money!

TED:

(TO GIRL)

Hahaaa! That's my friend John. Not the

lobster, the guy runnin' it.

At that moment, John enters, holding his cell phone.

JOHN:

Found my phone.

He stops, seeing everyone there.

JOHN (CONT'D)

What's goin' on?

(then, noticing)

Is that a shit?

INT./ESTAB. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - AFTERNOON

INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - SAME

Ted and John walk slowly down the ramp circling the

massive see-through tank, occasionally stopping to

observe some of the more bizarre varieties of fish. John

is oddly restrained. Something is on his mind. As they

stroll, we see a nearby man keeping an eye on them. He

seems much more interested in them than in the fish.

This, we will find out later, is DONNY...

TED:

God, there are some fucked up fish out

there.

JOHN:

Yeah.

TED:

Jesus, look at that one. Mister tough

guy fish.

(tough guy voice:)

"Hey! Whatsa big idea? Cold fusion?

Well that is a big idea, I beg pardon!"

Look at that guy. WASP-y white guy fish.

(tight-ass white guy voice:)

"I don't care for some of Conan O'Brien's

humor. I don't like Irish humor. And

this food is too flavorful. I don't care

for flavor in my food."

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

44

CONTINUED:

TED (CONT'D)

(switching to goofy voice as

a bottle-nosed fish swims

BY)

"Oh hey, sorry I'm late, guys. Hey,

where's everybody goin'? Any of you guys

got a tissue? I'm allergic to water."

JOHN:

Ted... you gotta move out.

Ted turns and stares at John for a beat.

TED:

Wh... what?

JOHN:

It's... it's gotta happen.

Ted sits down on a bench, a little stunned and dazed.

TED:

What...what did I do?

John looks heartbroken at this response.

INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER

Ted and John sit side-by-side on a bench next to the

penguin habitat.

JOHN:

Ted, my relationship is at a very

delicate stage, and, y'know, Lori and I

may just need a little space right now.

Plus a hooker took a shit in our

apartment.

TED:

Hey, look, that was a tough night for all

of us.

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

Lori is staring at the O.S. poop in the corner. She is

trying to pick it up with a shoebox. In the background,

we can see an almost panicky, grossed-out John peering

out from behind the bathroom door.

LORI:

(BEYOND DISGUSTED)

Oh, god!!

(CONTINUED)

45

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Aaaa, what?!

LORI:

It's so gross!!

JOHN:

Don't tell me, I don't wanna hear about

it! Did you get it?

LORI:

No! Oh my god!

JOHN:

Tell me when you get it!

LORI:

AAAA, I got some on my thumb!

JOHN:

AAAAA! You can never cook with that hand

again! I'm serious, learn to cook other-

handed!

LORI:

Shit!

JOHN:

I'll get the next one, okay?

INT. NEW ENGLAND AQUARIUM - DAY

TED:

She's makin' you do it, isn't she?

JOHN:

(giving up the bullshit)

Yes. But, that doesn't mean we can't

hang out. We'll hang out all the time!

TED:

What about... thunder buddies for life,

Johnny?

JOHN:

I know. Fuck. I just don't know what to

do here. I know it sucks, but otherwise

I'm gonna lose her. And I do love her,

Ted.

TED:

(SIGH)

I know you do, Johnny.

(CONTINUED)

46

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

I'll help you get on your feet out there,

I promise.

TED:

And we'll hang out a lot, right?

JOHN:

Fuck, all the time.

TED:

(arms wide for a hug)

Bring it over here.

John hugs Ted. Ted hugs him back. We hear a squeak, and

a high-pitched recorded voice saying "I wuv you." John

and Ted pull away from each other uncomfortably.

TED (CONT'D) JOHN

That was the-- the thing-- The old-- Yeah-- no, I know-

that doesn't mean-- I'm not -

gay.

JOHN:

We've got to get you a job.

EXT./ ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - LATE AFTERNOON

EXT. GROCERY STORE - SAME

John and Ted head toward the store. Ted is dressed in a

coat and tie, and looks very uncomfortable.

TED:

I look stupid.

JOHN:

No, you don't. You look dapper.

TED:

I look like Snuggles' accountant.

They pause as John straightens Ted's tie.

JOHN:

Look, I know it sucks, but you gotta make

some money so you can pay for an

apartment.

TED:

I don't wanna work at a grocery store.

(CONTINUED)

47

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Well, you have no skills.

TED:

I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.

JOHN:

As I said, you would need a law degree

from a law school.

TED:

I'm a special case. I'm a fucking

talking bear. They might make an

exception `cause they're all like, "Aaa!

This bear can talk and do stuff! Let's

give him a job and maybe he'll give us a

few laughs," but then they're surprised

at what a stellar performance I'm turnin'

in. And then they practically have to

give me the Anderson case.

JOHN:

Look, you get the job, and we'll

celebrate after.

John discreetly pulls out a baggie of weed.

TED:

And if I don't get the job will we still

smoke that pot?

JOHN:

Probably, yes.

TED:

(patting John on the leg)

Yeah. Okay, good speech, coach.

INT. GROCERY STORE MANAGER'S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER

Ted sits opposite FRANK, the grocery store manager. We

see his name and title on a desk nameplate. Frank sits at

the desk, staring at Ted.

FRANK:

So. You think you got what it takes?

TED:

Nope.

FRANK:

(a beat, then)

No one's ever talked to me like that

before. You're hired.

(CONTINUED)

48

CONTINUED:

TED:

Shit.

EXT. BOSTON COMMON - LATE AFTERNOON

(Over music:
) John and Ted walk across the Common,

passing various park-goers. The occasional person

notices and points with a "Hey, isn't that..." sort of

look. They passes three cute girls who flag Ted down.

Two pose with him as the third takes their picture with

her cellphone. Ted poses for the photo with one hand on

the girl's breast. She laughs hard. Ted waves goodbye,

and he and John make their way over to a park bench.

They sit. John takes out the weed, looks around for a

beat, then starts to discreetly roll a joint.

TED:

Well, I'm a former celebrity with a

minimum wage job. This must be what the

cast of Different Strokes feels like.

O.S. VOICE

Excuse me.

John and Ted react, startled. John stuffs the weed in

his pocket, accidentally dropping the buds in the rolling

papers on the ground.

ANGLE ON a creepy-looking man glancing at them

repeatedly. This is Donny, the fat kid we saw in the

prologue. He has grown up into a thinner but no less

creepy man.

DONNY:

I'm sorry to bother you, but my son and I

couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.

ADJUST TO REVEAL his son, who looks exactly like fat

young Donny from earlier.

JOHN:

(a little uncomfortable)

Oh. Um, thank you.

DONNY:

I'm Donny. And this is my boy, Robert.

I have to tell you, I've been fascinated

by your story ever since I was a boy. I

remember seeing you on the Carson show.

You were just wonderful.

BRIEF ANGLE ON the ground, where a pigeon is pecking at

the dropped weed.

(CONTINUED)

49

CONTINUED:

TED:

Yeah, that was ah... that was a good

time.

DONNY:

(TO JOHN)

I wonder, is there any chance I could

purchase the bear from you? For my son?

JOHN/TED

Huh? / Excuse me?

ROBERT:

(CALM)

I want it.

TED:

Hey, I'm not an "it", pal. I'm a "he."

JOHN:

(leaning down to his level)

I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't

for sale. I've had him since I was about

your age. He's very special to me.

ROBERT:

Sit up straight when you talk to me.

JOHN:

(RECOILING)

Ew, why the fuck did he say that?

DONNY:

Don't swear in front of my child. Now.

We are very interested in the bear. If

you'd like to work out some sort of

arrangement, here's my address and phone

number.

He writes on a slip of paper and hands it to John. John

smiles awkwardly and puts it in his wallet.

JOHN:

Okay. Will do. Here it goes, in the

really important pocket for really

important stuff.

Donny and Robert walk off. Donny turns and steals a

glance back at Ted as they move off.

TED:

Wow. Can you imagine what that little

shit would do to me?

(CONTINUED)

50

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Oh man, I can totally see him just taking

you down to the basement and really

slowly de-limbing you while singing some

creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.

John tugs on one of Ted's arms trying to creep him out.

He then breaks into a creepy falsetto.

JOHN (CONT'D)

OH, MY LITTLE SIXPENCE/MY PRETTY LITTLE

SIXPENCE/I LOVE MY SIXPENCE BETTER THAN

MY LIFE.

TED:

Fuck you. Why do you have to take it so

far? Now it's real. Fuck you again for

that. C'mon, let's go find a better

place to get stoned.

They exit. After a beat, the pigeon flies into frame,

slamming right into a fucking tree.

EXT. ESTAB. A SHITTY APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

John and Ted walk into the building. John carries two

cardboard boxes, and Ted carries one smaller one.

INT. AN ALMOST EMPTY APARTMENT - SAME

There's a couch, a coffee table, and a couple of boxes.

John and Ted put down their boxes, and stand just inside

the doorway.

JOHN:

Well... I guess this is it, huh?

TED:

Yeah, sure is.

JOHN:

First night on your own.

TED:

Yeah. First night in my beautiful new

apartment. They say they're ain't hardly

been no murders here.

They awkwardly nod to each other, both knowing that John

must leave soon.

JOHN:

Okay... so... if you need anything...

(CONTINUED)

51

CONTINUED:

TED:

I know.

JOHN:

Seriously, anything...

TED:

I know. I'll be fine, Johnny.

JOHN:

(BEAT)

I know you will, buddy.

They regard each other for a moment, then John slowly

turns and walks off down the hall. He turns back to

smile and wave. From John's POV, we see a diminutive-

looking Ted give a wan wave back. He looks very alone as

the camera recedes.

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

John sits on the couch, putting his tie on as he watches

TV. Lori comes over and sits down next to him.

LORI:

Hey there.

JOHN:

Hey.

LORI:

Listen... I just wanna say thank you.

What you did with Ted was a big step, and

I know it wasn't easy, but I just want

you to know that I love you for it. And,

I think this a new beginning for our

relationship.

JOHN:

Hey, anything for you. This is all part

of the new grown up, adult John Bennett.

So, get used to him.

She gives him a kiss, and starts to undo his tie.

LORI:

Y'know, I don't have to be at work for

another twenty minutes...

JOHN:

(guiding her down onto the

COUCH)

Ooh, that's perfect, I'm only gonna need

one.

(CONTINUED)

52

CONTINUED:

She laughs, and they kiss.

LORI:

You know what my favorite thing about you

is? After four years, you can still

surprise me. To step up and change such

a big part of your life just to make your

girlfriend happier... I dunno, I bet you

most guys couldn't do it.

JOHN:

Most guys don't have you to motivate `em.

LORI:

I'm sorry if I was pushy about it...

JOHN:

No, you were right! Look, the reason I

love you so much is the same reason I

guess I take you for granted sometimes.

It's `cause you're... inevitable.

LORI:

(huh?)

Inevitable. Well, that's... romantic? I

think?

JOHN:

No, what I mean is, there's just no

version of this universe where you and I

don't end up together. You're

inevitable.

LORI:

That sounds like something Stephen

Hawking would say to his girlfriend.

JOHN:

But do you get what I'm saying?

LORI:

Yeah, I do. And I feel exactly the same

way about you.

They kiss.

LORI (CONT'D)

(smiling coyly, as she

NOTICES)

Ooh. Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun in

your pocket or are you glad to see me?

John pulls the Flash Gordon gun out of his pocket and

shows it to her. She cracks up.

53

EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY

INT. GROCERY STORE - SAME

Ted is at his station, finishing checking out a customer.

TED:

Thank you, please come again, we have a

lot more groceries.

The customer exits. Ted sighs with boredom. He turns to

ELLEN, the large African-American woman at the next

station.

TED (CONT'D)

Hey Ellen?

ELLEN:

Yeah?

TED:

Who's that over there?

ANGLE ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE blonde girl bagging groceries

a few aisles away (This is TAMI-LYNN).

ELLEN:

That's the new bag girl. I don't know

her name, but she seems cute.

TED:

Yeah. Very cute. You know what I'd like

to do to her? Somethin' I call a Dirty

Fozzie.

Ted waves to the girl. She waves back. He makes a kissy

face at her. She giggles and blows him a kiss back. He

pantomimes hard, thrusting, standing-up sex. Her eyes

widen for a beat, as she stares, then smiles. He grabs

an Oh Henry bar, and pantomimes fellatio. The girl

laughs hysterically. CLOSE ANGLE on Ted, as white liquid

sprays all over his face from one side, then from the

other. WIDEN to reveal he's squirting two bottles of

pump hand soap on either side of him. The girl laughs

and shakes her head "no."

TED (CONT'D)

(TO HIMSELF)

Okay, so that's where we'll draw the

line.

EXT. ESTAB./ LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - DAY

54

INT. LIBERTY RENT-A-CAR - SAME

John sits at his workstation, playing a TBD video game on

his iPhone. Tanya approaches.

TANYA:

Hey. How you holding up?

JOHN:

Oh, I'm all right. Just... getting used

to things, that's all.

TANYA:

It's gonna be all right. Y'know, I went

through something like this with my last

boyfriend.

JOHN:

Really?

TANYA:

Yeah, we were dating for eight months,

and I was really in love with him, and

then he was deported back to Iran. So, I

get it.

JOHN:

Oh... yeah. So... I guess we both lost

our furry little guy.

TANYA:

Yeah.

John's phone rings the theme from "Knight Rider." He

sees Ted's name pop up, with a photo of Ted smiling open-

mouthed at the camera, with his arms outstretched and a

bra on his head. John picks up.

JOHN:

Hey, Ted.

TED (V.O.)

Johnny. What are you doin'? You wanna

come over and catch a buzz?

JOHN:

I could probably swing by after work.

TED (V.O.)

Fuck that, I traded off yesterday, so I

got the night shift. C'mon, I'm bored as

crap over here, just swing by for a bit.

(CONTINUED)

55

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

I can't just ditch work, man. Look, I'm

trying to get my shit together and be an

adult here, y'know? For Lori's sake.

INT. TED'S BATHROOM - DAY

Ted sits in the tub, talking on the phone. He has suds

in his hair, and there are a couple of little toy boats

in the water. From here, we intercut back and forth from

him and John.

TED:

John. Five minutes. And then I'll kick

you out, I promise. C'mon, I picked up

the "Cheers" DVD box set, and supposedly

everybody talks shit about each other in

the interviews.

JOHN:

Really?

TED:

Yeah, and apparently George Wendt

confesses to a rape.

JOHN:

(BEAT)

Sometimes adults get high.

TED:

They do, John. Sometimes they do.

JOHN:

You'll kick me out in five.

TED (V.O.)

John, I have to kick you out. I am

extraordinarily busy today, I have so

much teddy bear paperwork to get through,

it is retarded. Five minutes and you're

outta here.

John turns and looks back at Thomas in his office.

JOHN:

What do I tell Thomas?

TED:

Just tell him you don't feel well.

56

INT. THOMAS' OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

John stands in front of Thomas, who sits at his desk.

JOHN:

I gotta duck out for a bit. Lori tried

to break up a dog fight, and I guess she

got hurt pretty bad.

THOMAS:

Oh my god.

JOHN:

Yeah, she's-- that's the way she is, she

sees trouble, she tries to help out, and

I guess one of these dogs clamped his

jaws on her forearm, and he wouldn't let

go until the fireman showed up and had to

stick his finger in his ass.

THOMAS:

Jesus, John.

JOHN:

Yeah, she's pretty shook up.

THOMAS:

Oh my god.

(BEAT)

Up the dog's ass, right?

JOHN:

Yeah, that's how they--

THOMAS:

That's how they get `em to stop biting,

sure.

JOHN:

Yeah.

THOMAS:

Go go go, take care of it, let me know

how she is.

JOHN:

Oh gosh, thank you, sir. I owe you one.

THOMAS:

You don't owe me anything, go.

John smiles wanly, and exits.

(CONTINUED)

57

CONTINUED:

THOMAS (CONT'D)

(looking at his own finger)

Jesus.

EXT./ ESTAB. TED'S NEW APARTMENT - DAY

INT. TED'S NEW APARTMENT - SAME

ANGLE ON THE TV - Ted Danson sits in a chair, being

interviewed.

TED DANSON:

Was there cocaine on the set of "Cheers"?

Hm. Lemme figure out the best way to

answer that. Um...are there naked dicks

in gay porn?

(LAUGHS WARMLY)

Yes, there was quite a lot of cocaine. I

mean, it was the eighties. And I was

king. I was king of the eighties. I was

Ted fucking Danson. And not only that, I

was Sam fucking Mayday Malone. Was I

popular? Gee, lemme think: are there

naked dicks in gay porn?

(LAUGHS WARMLY)

Yes, I was quite beloved.

ANGLE ON Ted and John watching. They have a bong.

JOHN:

You know, he's exactly who you want him

to be.

TED:

He is. He is. Someone the likes of

which we should all aspire to become.

ANGLE BACK ON TV -

TED DANSON:

Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever

seen on a man.

ANGLE BACK ON John and Ted -

TED:

(passing him bong)

Here, try this stuff. I told my guy to

step it up, and he gave me this.

JOHN:

What is it?

(CONTINUED)

58

CONTINUED:

TED:

It's called Kennedy's Head. It's

actually pretty mellow.

JOHN:

That doesn't sound very mellow.

TED:

No, it's-- it makes you cerebral. Like

Kennedy. Kennedy was smart. That's what

it refers to. Decisions under pressure.

Cuban missile crisis. Go on, spark it

up.

John takes a hit off the bong, then glances around.

JOHN:

Y'know, this place looks great.

TED:

Yeah, it's all Ikea. Did the whole

apartment for 47 dollars.

JOHN:

How are the neighbors?

TED:

There's an Asian family next door, but

they don't have a gong or nothin', so

it's fine.

JOHN:

That's lucky.

TED:

How's work?

JOHN:

Sucks.

TED:

Ah.

JOHN:

You?

TED:

It's actualy not bad. Met a girl. She's

a bagger.

JOHN:

No way, that's awesome. We should double

date, you, me Lori and, what's her name?

(CONTINUED)

59

CONTINUED:

TED:

White trash name. Guess.

JOHN:

Uh, Mandy?

TED:

Nope.

JOHN:

Madison?

TED:

Nope.

JOHN:

Britney, Tiffany, Candice?

TED:

Nope.

JOHN:

Don't fuck with me on this. I know this

shit.

TED:

I know you do, and I am not fucking with

you.

JOHN:

Okay, Brandi, Heather, Channing, Breanna,

Amber, Sabrina, Melody, Dakota, Sierra,

Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,

Taylor, Tara, Tamra, Tami, Lauren,

Charlene, Chantel, Courtney, Misty,

Jenna, Krista, Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,

Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey,

Shawna, Jolene, Earline, Claudine,

Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra, Carla,

Chloe, Devon, Emmylou, Becky?

TED:

Nope.

JOHN:

Okay, was it any one of those names with

a Lynn after it?

TED:

Yep.

JOHN:

Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn--

(CONTINUED)

60

CONTINUED:

TED:

Tami-Lynn.

JOHN:

Fuck!

EXT. ESTAB. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

INT. RESTAURANT - SAME

John, Ted, Lori and Ted's dolled-up and sort of trashy

date Tami-Lynn (the bag girl from the grocery store) eat

dinner.

TAMI-LYNN

See, I was all pissed off `cause me and

my friend Danielle were supposed to go

skydiving last year, but then she got

pregnant from this asshole guy, and so we

couldn't go and I was all upset, but then

she had a miscarriage, and so we ended up

getting to go skydiving, and it was so

scary but it was so much fun.

JOHN:

Hey, well... it sounds like everything

worked out then.

TAMI-LYNN

I guess god wanted me to go skydiving,

y'know?

LORI:

Jesus.

TAMI-LYNN

Or Jesus, yeah, but whatever.

TED:

Hey, isn't this great? The four of us

here, having dinner together? Lori,

how've you been? Haven't seen you in

forever.

LORI:

Um, I've been good. Not much going on.

My company's 20th anniversary is next

week, that's something.

JOHN:

(proud, to Tami-Lynn)

Lori's a senior VP at a big PR firm.

(CONTINUED)

61

CONTINUED:

LORI:

It's not that big a deal.

TED:

Company's turnin' 20, eh? So you can

bang it but you can't get it drunk.

Tami-Lynn laughs heartily at this, as does John. Lori

isn't quite as delighted.

LORI:

(VISIBLY ANNOYED)

I'm surprised John didn't tell you

already. Seems like you guys have seen

each other every day since you moved out.

TED:

Well, it's funny, usually the first item

on our agenda is "what's goin' on with

Lori?" So I'm surprised that one slipped

through the cracks.

JOHN:

We do, we talk about you all the time.

TED:

Right?

JOHN:

Oh my god, remember, Ted, last week we

were talking about... how... neat all of

Lori's shoes are?

TED:

That was a lengthy conversation.

JOHN:

And we were saying like, a lot of women

look like unsteady horses when they wear

high heels, but Lori has a sort of...

regal... trot.

TED:

A canter.

JOHN:

Oh my god yes. You canter.

Lori stares at him for a beat, then:

LORI:

So, Tami, where are you from? Tell us

about yourself. I'm always... fascinated

to meet Ted's girlfriends.

(CONTINUED)

62

CONTINUED:

TAMI-LYNN

What do you mean girlfriends?

(TO TED)

Is there like a lot of `em or somethin'?

TED:

No, no, that's not what she's sayin' at

all, right Lori?

LORI:

No, right, I was-- all I was doing was

asking. Ted's very... attractive, I'm

just always interested in the... type of

girl that can snatch him up.

TAMI-LYNN

Did you just call me a whore?

LORI:

What? No, I--

TAMI-LYNN

You just worry about your own snatch, how

`bout that, honey?

TED/JOHN

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! / What the hell

happened? We're havin' a friendly meal

here!

TAMI-LYNN

Don't talk shit to me!

LORI:

I was just asking a question.

TAMI-LYNN

You're a friggin' snob! You think you're

all cool cause you work at some fancy

shit place!

TED:

It's okay, Tami.

(TO LORI)

Nice, Lori. Real nice.

LORI:

What?! It's not my fault she can't speak

English.

TAMI-LYNN

Fuck you! Just `cause you're all in the

business world and shit, you think

everyone's supposed to like, suck your

asshole!

(CONTINUED)

63

CONTINUED:

TED:

Baby! Baby! Baby. Baby. Let's get outta

here. We'll go back to my place for a

couple vodka and strawberry Quiks. Okay?

See ya, John.

Ted and Tami Lynn exit leaving John and Lori at the

table.

LORI:

What a cunt.

JOHN:

(covering ears in pain)

Ooh! I hate that word.

LORI:

Huh?

JOHN:

That word is so sharp. It's like an

electric sword, slashing everything in

its path.

LORI:

Well, you didn't exactly stick up for me.

JOHN:

I... I'm trying to walk a line here, I

want to be fair to you and to him,

y'know?

LORI:

Yeah, well, I think you're being a little

more fair to him.

JOHN:

(SCOFFING)

Come on.

LORI:

Y'know, your boss called this morning and

asked me how my arm was.

JOHN:

(CAUGHT)

Oh?

LORI:

Yeah. Because of the dog fight I tried

to break up.

JOHN:

Ohh...

(CONTINUED)

64

CONTINUED:

LORI:

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that

was some bullshit lie you made up so you

could take off work and go to Ted's. Am

I right?

JOHN:

(BEAT)

I... I made you out to be a hero.

LORI:

John, Ted moved out so we could give

ourselves a chance without him. You're

not really giving anything a chance if

you're blowing off work to get high with

your teddy bear.

JOHN:

It won't happen again, I promise.

LORI:

(with a bit of anger)

Yes. It will.

A beat. She sighs.

LORI (CONT'D)

I wanna break up.

JOHN:

(THROWN)

W... What?

LORI:

I'm just... I'm done. This isn't gonna

work. We're in two different places.

JOHN:

Lori, look, I know--

LORI:

You promised me you were gonna grow up

and take our life together seriously.

JOHN:

Hey, Ted moved out, didn't he? I did

that for you-- for us! And it wasn't

easy.

LORI:

Jesus, he might as well still be living

with us, John. You spend more time with

him than you do with me.

(CONTINUED)

65

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Okay, look. I've been getting stoned too

much. I know that. I've been bumming

around with Ted too much, I know that,

too. Give me one more chance, I promise

I can fix it. Lori, I love you too much,

please give me one more chance.

LORI:

(BEAT)

I need a man, John. Not a boy with a

teddy bear.

JOHN:

I know. Done. Man, right here in front

of you. Look at these pecs. Man pecs.

Look at the hair on my upper lip. Man

hair. I just farted. Man fart.

Lori can't help but let a small laugh escape. She

softens a bit...

LORI:

John... this really is your last chance.

I can't do this anymore.

JOHN:

You won't have to. Trust me. I love

you.

He kisses her.

LORI:

(BEAT)

Okay.

JOHN:

Aw, sweetie, I love you so much! You

won't be sorry, I swear.

She smiles at him, then:

LORI:

Did you really just fart?

JOHN:

Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my

hand.

LORI:

Oh. Wonder where it'll hit first.

WIDER ANGLE on the restaurant. For a moment, nothing

happens.

(CONTINUED)

66

CONTINUED:

Then, a guy at a table on the right (sitting with a

couple other men and women) screams into his napkin,

followed by his dining companions.

GUY AT TABLE:

(FURIOUS)

Who did this to us?!

GUY #2 AT TABLE

(FURIOUS)

God dammit! I'm here on business!

EXT./ESTAB. GROCERY STORE - DAY

INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY

Ted's boss, Frank, emerges from the back, writing on a

clipboard. He looks up, and his expression turns to

confused anger as he sees an unusually long line at

Ellen's register.

FRANK:

What the hell?

He walks over to the line. A GUY IN LINE turns and

notices him.

GUY IN LINE:

Hey, dude, you think you could open more

than one register? There's like a

thousand people here!

FRANK:

There's supposed to be three registers

open, for god's sake!

He looks around, aggravated, for a moment, then storms

off toward the back. He looks around the butcher's

counter and produce area, then walk into the back

storeroom.

INT. STOREROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Frank opens the door, and reacts with shock. REVERSE

ANGLE where we see Ted on top of Tami Lynn, who is almost

naked. He is doing a very close approximation of banging

her wildly. We see his furry bear butt pumping away,

with its little tail on the end. Frank screams in shock

and horror.

67

INT. FRANK'S OFFICE - SHORTLY AFTER

Frank sits at his desk, addressing Ted.

FRANK:

You had sexual intercourse with a

coworker in a storeroom filled with

produce that we sell to the public.

TED:

Yes.

FRANK:

(BEAT)

That took guts. We need guts. I'm

promoting you.

TED:

Oh.

EXT. GROCERY STORE - LATER THAT NIGHT

We see the "CLOSED" sign on the door. Ted exits,

finishing off a bottle of beer. He walks around to the

dumpster alley, and lines up for a Kareem-style sky hook

shot into a trash can. He takes the shot:

TED:

Kareem!

The bottle smashes off the side of the can, and shatters.

TED (CONT'D)

You suck, Kareem.

We hear a soft footstep somewhere O.S. Ted turns and

looks around. There appears to be no one in the

darkness.

TED (CONT'D)

Hello?

No answer. He looks around for a beat, and finds

nothing. He turns... and finds himself facing Donny, who

stands eerily lit by a single outdoor wall bulb.

DONNY:

Hello, Ted.

TED:

Gah! Uh... hi there.

DONNY:

Are you all alone out here?

(CONTINUED)

68

CONTINUED:

TED:

Uh... no. No I'm not. I'm... you know,

you're never alone when you're with

Christ.

DONNY:

You know, Robert and I could give you a

very, very good home.

TED:

I'm... I'm pretty happy where I am. I

just got a shitty new apartment--

DONNY:

I can offer you six thousand dollars in

railroad bonds. They were left to me by

my father.

TED:

Well, gosh, you know, since I just

returned from active duty in the Civil

War, that sounds really appealing. Oh

wait, no, that was a hundred and fifty

years ago, and I don't give a shit.

Tami-Lynn approaches.

TAMI-LYNN

Teddy, come on-- we're gonna have pop

tarts and cigarettes with my mom before

she goes to work.

TED:

Yeah, I'm comin', sweetheart.

(TO DONNY)

Yeah, my dance card is quite full, so I'm

gonna have to decline.

DONNY:

I really wish you wouldn't...

TED:

Yeah, sorry. But, ah... you know, I'd

like to thank you for creepin' up my

night, and... Jesus be with you. In

Christ.

Ted hurries off. ANGLE ON DONNY, who looks eerily

determined.

69

EXT./ ESTAB. REX'S HOUSE - NIGHT

John and Lori walk up to the fabulously expansive house

in Cambridge. It's a very impressive estate with no

expense spared.

LORI:

(smiling at him warmly)

I'm glad you're here.

JOHN:

Yeah, me too. Is it cool if I kick your

boss' ass? That won't affect your

workplace chemistry, will it?

LORI:

Play nice. Please.

Rex throws open the door.

REX:

There she is! I was worried you weren't

coming!

(TO JOHN)

Hi kiddo, how ya doin'? Where's your

bunny rabbit?

JOHN:

He's a bear.

REX:

(ushering them in)

Got it. "Hey, this house is fucking

huge!" I know guys, try not to get lost.

INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The party is a very costly-looking event: uniformed

servers walking around with trays of cocktails and hors

d'ouvres, tables laden with lavish-looking food displays

and floral arrangements, a 20-piece big band, and

hundreds of guests. A large banner reads "Happy 20th

Anniversary, Plymouth Public Relations."

REX:

Oh, here come the ladies.

Gina, Michelle, and Tracy approach. Everyone adlibs

their hellos to John and Lori. A waiter walks by with a

tray of champagne. Lori and the girls each take a glass.

(CONTINUED)

70

CONTINUED:

REX (CONT'D)

Say listen, why don't John and I give you

gals a chance to talk tampax while we go

grab a drink at the bar, huh?

LORI:

Sure.

INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - STAIRS AND UPSTAIRS

Rex and John are walking up the stairs to the second

floor of his house. Rex points out various items bought

at auction. John is visibly unenthused. He does not

like this guy, and definitely does not trust him.

REX:

...and that's a Wade Boggs autographed

bat. Just barely outbid Phil Donahue for

that at auction.

JOHN:

Wow, cool.

REX:

Yeah, cool. And those boxing gloves were

worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.

(passing an abstract

PAINTING)

This is art. Do you get it?

(passing wall mounted pair of

GLASSES) )

These were John Lennon's glasses. Worth

about two million dollars.

(passing photo on wall) )

That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, and

check this out.

Rex indicates a small, bronze-colored item on a stand.

REX (CONT'D)

See that? Know what that is?

JOHN:

(TOUCHING IT)

No.

REX:

That's Lance Armstrong's nut.

John quickly pulls his hand away.

REX (CONT'D)

Something, isn't it? Had it freeze-dried

and bronzed.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

71

CONTINUED:

REX (CONT'D)

Every now and then, when I feel like my

life's gettin' me down and things are

tough, I just come in here and look at

it, and it reminds me that things aren't

so bad. That some people have it worse

than me. I mean, he's only got one ball,

and I have three. One of them, of

course, being his.

JOHN:

That's inspiring. You've led a rich

life.

REX:

I've fucked the shit outta life.

(THEN)

So talk to me, Goose. How are things

with you and Lori?

JOHN:

Things are great, actually.

REX:

That's good, that's good.

JOHN:

You know... Lori would hate me for saying

this, but... she's told me how you are at

the office, and... as one gentleman to

another, I just wanna say I really hope

you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.

REX:

Whoa, whoa, okay, look, I think I oughtta

just clear the air here a little. I...

just want you to know that... I mean,

yeah, I'm kind of a "fun-time boss" and

whatnot, but... look man, I do that with

everybody at the office! I'm just a

kook! I have no designs on your

girlfriend. We work together, and that's

it. I think you're a great guy and she's

very lucky.

John is a bit surprised, not unpleasantly so, to hear

this.

JOHN:

Well... that's good to hear.

REX:

Well, that's how it is, so...there we go.

JOHN:

Okay.

(CONTINUED)

72

CONTINUED:

REX:

Yeah.

They stand there for a beat, looking at Lance Armstrong's

nut. John's phone rings the "Knight Rider" theme. John

answers it.

JOHN:

Hey, Ted.

INTERCUT PERIODICALLY BETWEEN JOHN AND TED, who stands in

the foreground with one finger in his ear. In the

background, we see a party in full swing.

TED (V.O.)

Johnny! You gotta get over here, man!

JOHN:

Why? What's going on?

TED (V.O.)

I'm havin' a little impromptu thing with

some people, and John... Sam Jones is

here.

JOHN:

What?!

TED (V.O.)

Sam Jones. Flash fucking Gordon. Is

here.

JOHN:

Holy shit! How?

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

TED:

Remember I said, my buddy's cousin is

friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in

town with his cousin and who's with `em?

Sam Jones!!

INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

TED (V.O.)

Sam Jones is here, and John...

(softly, into phone)

...his hair is parted down the middle.

JOHN:

(EQUALLY SOFTLY)

Just like in the movie.

(CONTINUED)

73

CONTINUED:

TED:

Get over here.

JOHN:

Fuck! I can't... I'm with Lori. I'm

already on probation here.

John looks down at the main area of the party, and sees

Lori happily chatting with her co-workers.

JOHN (CONT'D)

(AGONIZED)

I just... I can't.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

TED:

John. There are moments in a man's life:

Nathan Hale, "I regret that I have but

one life to give for my country." Alan

Hale, "Yes, I accept the role of the

Skipper on `Gilligan's Island.'"

INT. REX'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

TED (V.O.)

John, this is your Alan Hale moment. For

god's sake, come share this with me.

JOHN:

(beat, then:
)

I'm coming.

John hangs up.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Rex. I gotta go. I'll be back in thirty

minutes tops, but Lori cannot find out.

She absolutely cannot know I was gone.

If you can cover for me... we're cool on

all that other stuff.

REX:

I got your back, my friend. Been there.

She'll never know.

JOHN:

This is one man to another. I don't

really know you, but I'm trusting you.

As a man. This is serious. Can I trust

you?

(CONTINUED)

74

CONTINUED:

REX:

Dude. One man to another. I got you on

this.

JOHN:

(RELAXING SOMEWHAT)

Okay. Thank you.

John races O.S.... and Rex raises his scotch glass to his

mouth.

REX:

(SMILING)

I'm gonna make traditional to your

girlfriend. And then fuck her in the

ass. All right. We have a game plan.

EXT. REX'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

The "Football Fight" music from "Flash Gordon" starts

playing, as John bolts O.S.

EXT. REX'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

John sprints out of the house and runs down the walkway.

He leaps over a hedge toward the parking area. He slides

across the hood of Lori's car, gets in, quickly starts

the car, and backs out.

EXT. BOSTON (VARIOUS) - NIGHT

CUT TO various shots of John racing through the city on

his way to Ted's. Finally, he pulls up to Ted's

apartment.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

John throws open the door. The place is as lively as it

can be. The party is packed with people, including Alix

and Tanya, John's co-workers from Liberty. There are

also a large number of booze-swilling guys and hot

chicks. Ted runs up, wearing a blazer.

TED:

Johnny! Thank Christ you made it!

JOHN:

(QUICKLY)

I got ten minutes, where's Flash Gordon?

(CONTINUED)

75

CONTINUED:

TED:

Okay, get ready, man.

(to someone O.S.)

Hey, Sam! This is the guy I was tellin'

you about!

John turns to look in the direction Ted is indicating.

The shot slows down into slo-mo as John's eyes widen, and

he sees...

OPPOSITE ANGLE - Across the room, SAM J. JONES turns in

slo-mo to face John. He is inexplicably still sporting

the same hairstyle he had in the "Flash Gordon" movie.

We hear the theme from "Flash Gordon." We INTERCUT back

and forth from him to John:

ON JOHN - He stands frozen in awe.

ON SAM - He smiles as he begins to walk toward the

camera, in John's POV.

ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.

ON SAM - Still slowly walking toward camera in John's

POV, but he is now dressed in the Flash Gordon costume.

ON JOHN - He continues to stare in frozen awe.

EXT. MONGO SKY - DAY - FANTASY

Sam J. Jones flies on the flying Jetski from the movie.

John stands behind him on the back, with his arms around

Sam's chest, as if on the back seat of a motorcycle.

John has a huge, elated smile on his face.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - BACK TO SCENE

ON John - He still stares in awe.

ON SAM - He smiles and offers an outstretched hand for a

handshake.

BACK TO NORMAL SPEED - Sam walks up to John with Ted by

his side.

TED:

John, this is Sam Jones. Sam, this is my

best friend in the whole world, John.

SAM:

Hi there. Good to meet you.

(CONTINUED)

76

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

(in absolute fucking awe)

I... thank you for saving every one of

us.

SAM:

You're welcome. Hey, let's do some

shots, huh?

JOHN:

With you? Yes. Oh my god, yes.

Sam passes out shots of Southern Comfort.

SAM:

(raising his glass)

Death to Ming!

John and Ted look at each other, squealing with delight.

Everyone then does their shots.

SAM (CONT'D)

Hey, you guys seem pretty cool.

(SIGNIFICANTLY)

You like to party?

John and Ted don't answer for a beat. They look at each

other nervously. It's clear neither one has any

experience with this sort of thing.

SAM (CONT'D)

Aw, come on dudes. Don't tell me you've

never done it before.

JOHN:

(a little scared)

Not... recently, no.

SAM:

You fellas better come with me.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER

John, Ted, and Sam emerge from the bathroom. John's eyes

are wide and enthusiastic. Ted has a little bit of

powder on his nose, and his ears are flattened back. And

Sam is just playing it cool.

TED:

Wow.

SAM:

Let's party like the `80's huh?

(CONTINUED)

77

CONTINUED:

TED:

(REVERENTIAL)

Show us how, Flash.

SAM:

It's easy. We just gotta bang a lotta

girls named Stephanie.

JOHN:

Holy shit.

(looking around intensely)

All these people need to be talked to.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER

John and Ted sit staring at each other intensely across

the table.

TED:

Look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get

serious about openin' a restaurant we

gotta start plannin' it now.

JOHN:

Italian.

TED:

Italian, yes.

JOHN:

What's the special on Tuesdays?

TED:

Eggplant parm.

JOHN:

Chopped salad half price.

TED:

And it's a non-restricted place.

JOHN:

Yeah--wait, whaddaya mean?

TED:

Anybody can come.

JOHN:

Of course.

TED:

Mormons are welcome.

(CONTINUED)

78

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Well yeah--why wouldn't they be?

TED:

Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

JOHN:

But why even bring that up--

TED:

You don't bring it up. You just let `em

in.

JOHN:

Yeah, but why mention it?

TED:

No one will.

JOHN:

So why are we talking about it?

TED:

You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin'

let `em in.

JOHN:

Yes, let `em in.

TED:

Exactly.

JOHN:

Right.

TED:

Good.

JOHN:

Okay.

TED:

No Catholics, though.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - SAME

Ted stands opposite a group of party guests who sit on

the couch. He holds a knife.

TED:

No see, I can do this.

GUY #1

Shut up.

(CONTINUED)

79

CONTINUED:

TED:

My teddy bear biology gives me superhuman

reflexes.

GUY #2

Let him try it, man.

GUY #1

Fuck it, all right.

Guy #1 puts his hand down on the coffee table and Ted

starts doing the knife trick from "Aliens". He gets it

right for a few seconds, then stabs the guy right through

the hand. The guy screams in pain.

TED:

Well, you never shoulda trusted me, I'm

on drugs!

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER

John stands with a pair of fake bear ears on his head,

doing an impression of Ted as a small group of partygoers

(Ted included) watches, laughing hysterically.

JOHN:

(AS TED)

Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea--

let's go get drunk and puke on cars from

the overpass!

TED:

Oh god, that was a fun day.

JOHN:

(AS TED)

Johnny, you gotta get over here man, I

just tried this DMT all the kids are

talkin' about, and I'm in trouble! I

think I got sucked inside my chair!

TED:

I do not sound that much like Peter

Griffin.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER

Ted sits on the couch drawing a pair of Garfield eyes on

a topless girl. Below the eyes he has drawn the muzzle

and the mouth, and above them the ears.

(CONTINUED)

80

CONTINUED:

TED:

See? There. Proof. Garfield's eyes

look like a pair of tits.

TAMI-LYNN

Okay, you were right.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER

Ted stands by the TV, singing a karaoke version of "I

Only Want to be with You" by Hootie and the Blowfish.

TED:

Okay, Johnny, c'mon up here and do this

with me!

JOHN:

No no.

TED:

Come on!

JOHN:

No, I don't sing in front of people!

TED:

YOU AND ME, WE COME FROM DIFFERENT

WORLDS. YOU LIKE TO LAUGH AT ME WHEN I

LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS. SOMETIMES YOU'RE

CRAZY AND YOU WONDER WHY I'M SUCH A BABY

`CAUSE DOLPHINS MAKE CRY. WELL THERE'S

NOTHING I CAN DO I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A

GIRL LIKE YOU. YOU LOOK AT ME YOU'VE GOT

NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. I'LL ONLY POUT AT

YOU UNTIL I GET MY WAY. I WON'T DANCE.

YOU WON'T SING. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU

BUT YOU WANT TO WEAR MY RING. WELL

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. I ONLY WANNA BE

WITH YOU. YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR FOOL, I

ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOU.

INT. TED'S BEDROOM - LATER

Sam, John and Ted stand by the wall.

TED:

See there's this one part of the wall

that's really soft, you could punch

through it wicked easy.

Sam punches the wall a couple times, and his fist goes

right through.

(CONTINUED)

81

CONTINUED:

SAM/TED/JOHN

Holy shit! / Ha! / Wow! / Etc.

Immediately we see half an Asian face dart into frame

through the hole. He screams in Cantonese, then,

ASIAN MAN:

What the hell you problem!! You break my

wall! You break my wall I break you

wall!

The neighbor sticks a knife through the hole. John, Ted,

and Sam scream. Sam and John jump around and scream as

they frantically try to get the knife.

JOHN:

AAA! AAA!! Break his arm, Flash! Cut

his arm off!!

Sam grabs the arm, and it darts back inside.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

There's an angry pounding on the door. One of the party

guests opens it, and the Asian guy runs in, screaming in

Cantonese. He holds a wooden spoon in one hand, and a

live duck in the other. John, Sam, and Ted run back out

into the living room. The Asian guy runs toward them,

screaming first in Cantonese, then:

ASIAN MAN:

You break my wall! This my home long

time! You break my wall! You bastard

men!

JOHN/TED

Dude, we're sorry! We're sorry!

ASIAN MAN:

You bastard men! I try to make duck

dinner, now plaster everywhere!

TED:

Chill out okay? We'll pay for it! Let's

talk this out okay? What's your name?

I'm John!

ASIAN MAN:

(CAUTIOUSLY)

My name Wan Ming.

FLASH:

(NARROWING EYES)

Ming!

(CONTINUED)

82

CONTINUED:

SAM'S POV - We see the Asian man dressed as Ming the

Merciless.

ASIAN MAN:

You pay many dollar for wall! This

bullshit! This all bullshit!

SAM:

DEATH TO MING!!!

Sam charges the Asian man, tackling him. They both

tumble over the back of the couch, nearly knocking it

over. The duck flies out of his arms, landing on the

floor. It immediately goes after Ted, who screams.

ANGLE ON SAM, who chokes the Asian man on the floor.

John struggles to pull him off.

JOHN:

Sam, no! Get off him!

ANGLE ON TED - who circles confrontationally with the

duck, as in an Irish bar fight. ANGLE BACK ON THE GUYS

FIGHTING - The Asian man jabs Sam in the eye with the

other end of the spoon, and Sam goes staggering backward,

falling into John. They land on the table, smashing it

in half. They fall to the floor on top of each other.

ASIAN MAN:

You crazy! You crazy man!

The duck charges at Ted and slaps him across the face a

few times with its wings.

TED:

AAA! AAAA! OW!!

The Asian man calls to the duck from the door.

ASIAN MAN:

Come on, James Franco!

The duck takes one last whack at Ted and waddles over to

the Asian man, fluttering up into his arms.

ASIAN MAN (CONT'D)

(to John and Sam)

You pay for wall!

He exits, slamming the door.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - LATER

John sits on the couch as Guy enters, holding hands with

another man.

(CONTINUED)

83

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Guy?

GUY:

Hey. What's goin' on. This is Jared.

He's the guy who beat me up. We're in

love.

JOHN:

What??

GUY:

Yeah. Turns out I'm gay or whatever.

Had no idea. C'mon Jared, let's get a

drink.

He and Jared walk off.

ANGLE ON JOHN, who sits on the couch, looking zoned out

and drained. Sam Jones approaches.

SAM:

How you doin' there, ace? You comin'

down?

JOHN:

Yeah. Yeah, I don't feel good.

SAM:

Give it a couple hours, you'll be golden,

Pony Boy. Want a Xanax?

John looks at the clock. His eyes widen in panicked

realization.

JOHN:

Holy shit. Holy shit, oh my god!

SAM:

What?

JOHN:

I gotta-- I gotta go! Shit!

John scrambles to his feet, and runs for the front door.

INT. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS

John opens the door and runs down the hall. He runs

partway down the stairwell, and stops short as he sees

Lori at the bottom, coming partway up the stairs. They

stare at each other for a beat. She looks as hurt,

angry, and betrayed as a woman can be.

(CONTINUED)

84

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Lori... I...

He throws up all over the floor.

EXT. TED'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

Lori storms out into the street. After a beat, John runs

out after her.

JOHN:

Lori! Lori wait!

She hastily pays the cabbie who waits outside. John

catches up to her and grabs her arm, but she shakes him

off. She is clearly hurt, and on the verge of tears.

JOHN (CONT'D)

I'm sorry! I messed up! I--

LORI:

I want you out of the apartment...

tonight. Gimme my car keys.

JOHN:

Can I please just explain--

LORI:

No.

JOHN:

I was gonna--

LORI:

I have given up a big chunk of my life

for you.

JOHN:

I was gonna stop in for like five

minutes, and then Flash Gordon--

LORI:

Just give me my keys, John!

He reluctantly hands her her keys. She turns and walks

toward her car.

JOHN:

Lori... please. I love you.

She gets in the car and drives away with a screech.

Angle on Ted, who is walking out the door.

(CONTINUED)

85

CONTINUED:

TED:

Johnny, come on upstairs. Tami-Lynn's

gonna make some RC Cola from scratch.

JOHN:

Fuck you! I don't want to talk to you!

TED:

What?

JOHN:

Do you know what just happened? Do you

have any clue? My life just ended.

TED:

Oh come on, she'll go home, watch Bridget

Jones' Somethin' Asshole, cry a little

bit, she'll be fine, you'll talk to her

tomorrow.

JOHN:

(EXPLODING)

Are you even listening to me?! Do you

give any shred of a shit?!

Ted pauses, realizing John is serious.

TED:

Well... `course I do, Johnny. Thunder

buddies for life.

JOHN:

Jesus, Lori was right. I should have

stopped hanging out with you a long time

ago. I'm never gonna have a life with you

around. I'm 35 years old and I'm going

nowhere. All I do is smoke pot and watch

movies with a teddy fucking bear. And

because of that, I just lost the love of

my life.

TED:

Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.

JOHN:

I just... I gotta be on my own, Ted. I

can't see you anymore.

John turns and walks away.

TED:

Johnny, wait! Hey, listen!

(CONTINUED)

86

CONTINUED:

Ted pushes his own stomach in. We hear his soundbox

squeak out the words "I wuv you." John does not turn

around. Ted looks after him, then slowly lowers his head

sadly. He sits down on the sidewalk, dazed and defeated.

DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE:
SET TO MUSIC - SONG TBD

EXT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT

John pulls up in his car, and sadly goes inside.

INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT

John sits on the bed and turns on the TV. He flips

through the channels, seeing various clips of shows.

Eventually, he shuts off the TV. He opens his wallet,

and takes out a picture of Lori. He looks at it sadly.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MINI GOLF COURSE - NIGHT

John and Lori play mini-golf. She putts, and the ball

stops just short of the hole. John walks up to it, and

"looks the other way" as he taps it in with his foot.

She smiles warmly at him.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BOSTON COMMON - SUNSET

John and Lori are on a swan boat ride, throwing bread to

the ducks. They're both leaning over the side with their

hands on the rail. His hand moves partway on top of

hers. They look at each other, and share a slow,

romantic kiss.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Lori sits on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, her face

wet with tears. ANGLE ON the TV screen, where a Bridget

Jones film is playing. ANGLE BACK ON Lori, who is

looking at the screen, but is really looking inward...

DISSOLVE TO:

87

EXT. BEACH - DUSK

ANGLE ON a partially full moon. PAN DOWN to John and

Lori, walking along the beach, holding hands. He kisses

her on the cheek, then looks down, noticing something

O.S. He leans down and picks up a dead horseshoe crab.

He dangles it in Lori's face. She freaks out, and runs

into the water. They both laugh.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ANGLE ON A BIRTHDAY CARD ON THE TABLE - We pull out to

reveal Lori sitting at the table, with a couple of

candles in front of her. John comes out of the kitchen

wearing an apron, and holding an entire turkey with a

candle in it. She smiles and puts her hands over her

mouth with delighted hilarity. He sets the turkey down,

and she gives him a big, laughing smile as she shakes her

head.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

SLOW PAN ACROSS TED'S APARTMENT - The party is now over.

Everyone has gone, and the place is a mess. ANGLE INTO

TED'S BEDROOM - He lies alone in his bed, flipping

through channels with his remote. He turns and stares at

a picture in a frame next to his bed. ANGLE ON THE

PICTURE It shows John and Ted as kids, standing in the

snow, smiling at the camera. They stand next to a

soapbox car that they have built and painted.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

8-year-old John and Ted are at the top of a hill with the

soapbox racer. Ted is in the racer, wearing a helmet.

John gives the racer a push, and Ted speeds off down the

hill. At the bottom, he smashes into a tree, shattering

the racer, and sending him flying out of it onto the

ground. A dog runs into frame, snatches Ted up, and runs

off with him. John sprints after the dog.

DISSOLVE TO:

88

INT. JOHN'S HIGH-SCHOOL ROOM - NIGHT

ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, "Simpsons Reaches

5th season!" ANGLE ON 17 year-old John and Ted watching

TV, laughing hysterically.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

The marquee out front reads "Star Wars: The Phantom

Menace." We pan down a line of moviegoers, eventually

getting to 22 year-old John and Ted. John is dressed as

Darth Maul, and Ted is dressed as Yoda. They excitedly

wait in line.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT./ ESTAB. CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY

INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - SAME

John and Ted share a pizza. Ted has sauce all over his

mouth and fur. John hands him a napkin and he wipes it

off. Ted looks O.S., then excitedly gives John a "hang

on, check this out" gesture. He runs O.S. ANGLE ON the

stage, where the animal band play their instruments. Ted

is there among them, stiffly playing the banjo and

looking very animatronic. A couple little kids walk up

to watch. After a beat, Ted gets in their faces, scaring

the shit out of them. They run away, crying and

traumatized. ANGLE ON John, who laughs hysterically.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - DAY

John and Lori paint the walls of their then new

apartment. They start to playfully splatter paint on

each other. ANGLE ON Ted, who watches from the other

side of the room, where he leans against the wall. He

shakes his head in a "whatever" fashion, and walks toward

the door. When he turns, we see there is a white stripe

of paint going down his back.

EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - LATER

Ted exits the apartment, holding a pack of cigarettes and

a lighter. He pulls one cigarette out with his mouth and

goes to light it.

(CONTINUED)

89

CONTINUED:

He then notices something out of the corner of his eye.

He reacts with a take, and sprints O.S., dropping the

cigarette and the lighter. After a beat, a skunk

shuffles through frame after him.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ANGLE ON a TV Guide cover that reads, "Simpsons Reaches

20th season!" ANGLE ON present-day John and Ted watching

TV, expressionless and bored-looking.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT./ ESTAB. LORI'S OFFICE - DAY

INT. REX'S OFFICE - SAME

Rex sits at his desk and stares out the window.

REX:

So, word through the grapevine is you are

newly solo. I have tickets to see Norah

Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight, and I

would love it if you'd go with me.

LORI:

You're asking me out the day after I

broke up with someone.

REX:

Look, I'm gonna cut the shit here.

LORI:

Okay.

REX:

This is the first time you've been single

in all the years you've worked here.

Just go out with me one time. And if

you're miserable and you hate it, I

promise I will never even hint at the

subject again. Please.

LORI:

Rex, I don't think it's smart.

REX:

Look, I'm an asshole. I know that. It

worked for me in high school, and it's

been like a reflex ever since.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

90

CONTINUED:

REX (CONT'D)

(sigh) Lori, the worst that can happen is

you have a fun, casual date with a guy

who only wants a chance to prove to you

that he can be something more than a

jerk. Besides, you're a huge catch and

it's about time somebody treated you that

way.

LORI:

Fine... I guess it beats crying myself to

sleep every night.

REX:

Great. Pick you up at seven?

EXT./ ESTAB. MIDTOWN HOTEL - NIGHT

It's raining outside.

INT. MIDTOWN HOTEL - SAME

John sulks on the bed, leafing through a Tintin comic

book. There's a knock at the door.

JOHN:

Who is it?

TED:

Johnny, it's me.

JOHN:

Go away.

TED:

Johnny, open the door, please. I wanna

talk.

John ignores him. A few beats go by, then the window

slides open from the outside, and Ted tumbles in, landing

on the floor, soaked.

JOHN:

JESUS--

Ted shakes the water off himself like a dog. John

flinches back, trying not to get wet.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Jesus Christ!

(CONTINUED)

91

CONTINUED:

TED:

Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you're

pissed, but just listen to me for five

seconds. I saw Lori out on a date with

Rex.

JOHN:

What?

TED:

I'm serious, John, I went over to your

house to talk to Lori to try and take

some of the heat off you, and I saw Rex

picking her up. They were going to the

Hatch Shell.

JOHN:

You're un-fucking-believable, you know

that? How stupid do you think I am?

First of all, Lori would never go out

with Rex, and second of all, if you think

that by making shit like that up you're

gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty

to you over her--

TED:

Johnny, it's the truth. I'm tellin' ya--

JOHN:

Get outta here.

TED:

(BEAT)

You know, you're actin' like a cock, you

know that?

JOHN:

What? I'm acting like a cock?

TED:

Yes. You are actin' like a giant, V-

shaped-funny-lookin'-guy-in-a-porno cock.

JOHN:

Huh?

TED:

`Member that porno we saw with the guy

with the V-shaped cock--forget it. What

I'm sayin' is that you're blamin' me for

somethin' you did to yourself.

John glares at him.

(CONTINUED)

92

CONTINUED:

TED (CONT'D)

Lori was right about you. You can't take

responsibility for anything that goes on

in your life.

JOHN:

Oh, and you can?

TED:

I don't have to, I'm a fuckin' teddy

bear! Y'know somethin', I didn't tie you

up and drag you to that party. I wanted

you to come because you're supposedly my

best friend.

JOHN:

Oh, yeah? Is that why you've manipulated

me for years to stay eternally eight

years old at the expense of the rest of

my life?

TED:

Whoa whoa, it's not my fault you didn't

care enough about your relationship.

JOHN:

You can't stand there and tell me you

haven't always seen Lori as a threat to

our friendship! It works out so much

better for you when you and I are getting

fucked up on the couch at 9 am, doesn't

it?

TED:

Wow. Listen to yourself. What am I,

Emperor Ming here, controllin' your mind?

That's your choice, John! And you know,

by blamin' me, you just make yourself

look like a pussy.

JOHN:

(BEAT)

You know... sometimes I think back to

that Christmas morning when I was eight

years old... and I wish I'd just gotten a

Teddy Ruxpin.

TED:

(BEAT)

Say that one more time.

JOHN:

Teddy... Rux-fucking-pin.

(CONTINUED)

93

CONTINUED:

Ted stares at him for a beat, then lunges at him,

wrapping his whole body around John's face and head, like

the facehuggers from "Aliens." John stumbles around the

room, trying to pry Ted off. Eventually, he stumbles

into the bathroom, and crashes through the shower door,

shattering it. He and Ted exchange punches to the face.

John lands a particularly hard one, which sends Ted

flying across the room, and slamming into the wall. Ted

hits the floor, and runs out of the bathroom. John

stumbles to his feet. Ted scrambles across the bed,

reaches into the bedside drawer, and pulls out a Bible.

John staggers out of the bathroom, just in time to be

pelted in the head as Ted throws the Bible at him.

JOHN (CONT'D)

AAAAAA!!! Fucking Jesus fucking Christ!

god fucking dammit!!!

Ted throws other objects at him, including beer cans and

the phone. John and Ted stare at each other for a beat,

each one breathing heavily (Ted is now on the floor).

John charges at Ted, sailing across the bed, and tackling

him, knocking over the side table and lamp in the

process. John and Ted scuffle on the floor, engaging in

a realistic-as-possible fistfight. Each one gets a

number of blows in. John throws Ted off him, and back

onto the bed. Ted taunts him.

TED:

C'mon, motherfucker!

John jumps at Ted, throwing a jab at him. But Ted

dodges, and John's fist goes into the wall above the

headboard. He struggles to pull free as he flails about

with his other hand, grabbing at Ted. Ted dodges again,

and scrambles up John's head, jumping up and grabbing the

chain on the ceiling fan, turning it on, and causing Ted

to swing back and forth. John pulls free, and stumbles

backward off the bed. He notices a tall, free-standing

lamp in the corner. He pulls the plug out of the wall,

and uses the lamp to take a swing at Ted. Ted swings out

of the way. John takes a second swing, but the lamp cord

catches on the fan's motor. The lamp is ripped from

John's grasp, it swings around through the air, and

cracks him in the side of the head. John goes down,

whacking his head a second time on the baseboard of the

bed. He howls in pain as he lies on his stomach,

clutching his head. Ted takes advantage of this. He

jumps down from the cord, and pulls the antenna off the

clock radio next to the bed. He jumps down to the floor,

yanks John's pants partway down, and starts whipping his

bare ass with the antenna. John yells in fury, and kicks

blindly at Ted. He turns over, kicking ted in the face,

and kicking the cabinet that the TV is on.

(CONTINUED)

94

CONTINUED:

The TV wobbles, and falls off the cabinet, landing with a

crash, right on his groin. John lies there, with the TV

on his crotch and his pants down, and breathes heavily.

Ted, still dazed from the kick to the face, crawls over

to him. Both breathe heavily. John's breathing

deteriorates into sobs.

TED (CONT'D)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Why...why are you crying?

JOHN:

My dick is in the TV.

John continues to sob. Ted climbs down off the table and

up onto the bed. He pushes the TV off John, then lies

down next to him. Ted starts to sob himself.

TED:

I'm so sorry, Johnny. I'm so sorry.

JOHN:

So am I, man.

TED:

I love you.

JOHN:

I love you, too.

John hugs Ted, who hugs him back.

TED:

Listen... you gotta let me help you make

things right with you and Lori.

JOHN:

There is no putting things right. She

hates me.

TED:

No, John, we can get her back. Look,

remember when you were ten, and you hit

that squirrel with your BB gun, and then

when we saw it fall from the tree we both

starting crying? Remember? And then we

ran up to it and tried to give it CPR?

And it came back to life? John, we could

do that again.

JOHN:

Ted, we crushed its rib cage and blew out

its lungs trying to give it CPR. It

died.

(CONTINUED)

95

CONTINUED:

TED:

(LONG BEAT)

We can get Lori back.

EXT. HATCH SHELL - NIGHT

A huge crowd has gathered for the Norah Jones concert.

They cheer as she sings "Come Away With Me," backed by a

large string section. ANGLE ON Rex and Lori, who cheer

in the audience along with everyone else. They seem to

be having a fantastic time.

REX:

God, she's so brave. YOUR MUSIC IS SO

FUCKING BRAVE!!

Norah finishes the song.

NORAH:

Thanks so much! We're gonna take a short

break, but we'll be back in a few!

The crowd cheers.

INT. BACKSTAGE - SHORTLY AFTER

ANGLE ON a dressing room sign which reads NORAH JONES.

We move inside the dressing room as Norah enters and

pours a drink.

TED (O.S.)

Hey, play chopsticks, you jazzy slut!

NORAH:

(turning, recognizing)

Teddy!! How you doin', you fuzzy little

asshole?

She hugs him.

TED:

Well, I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who

sold 37 million records, but I'm hangin'

in there.

NORAH:

Well, half-Indian, but thanks.

TED:

Eh, ooga booga, whatever. Hey, I want

you to meet a good pal of mine. Hey

Johnny, come on in!

(CONTINUED)

96

CONTINUED:

ANGLE ON the doorway, where John enters, a little

nervous.

TED (CONT'D)

Norah, this is my friend John.

JOHN:

(SELF-CONSCIOUSLY EXTENDS

HAND)

Hi. Hi, Norah Jones.

NORAH:

(shaking his hand)

Ha. Whoa, relax there, sweaty. You

ready to bring down the house?

JOHN:

Yes ma'am. Thank you for the

opportunity, Ms.-- Ma'am Jones.

TED:

Jesus, you look fantastic.

NORAH:

Well, you're probably not used to seeing

me fully clothed.

TED:

Me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at

Belinda Carlisle's house and we had

awkward, fuzzy sex in the coatroom.

NORAH:

Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy

with no penis.

TED:

I have written so many letters to Hasbro

about that.

EXT. HATCH SHELL - SHORTLY AFTER

The crowd is cheering. Norah is back out on stage at the

piano.

NORAH:

Okay, I'm gonna give my chops a rest here

and invite a friend of mine up to the

stage. He's gonna sing a song to a very

special lady in the audience who he loves

very much. Let's give a big hand to John

Bennett!

(CONTINUED)

97

CONTINUED:

The crowd applauds dutifully as John walks out onstage.

ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Lori reacts, shocked.

LORI:

Oh my god.

John takes center stage, and looks down at Lori.

JOHN:

Uh, hi. Um... This is for Lori Collins.

Because I love her. This song always

reminds me of the most important night of

my life. The night we met. It's the

theme song from the movie "Octopussy."

The band begins playing. "All Time High". Inexplicably,

Norah is playing the saxophone with a pair of shades on.

JOHN (CONT'D)

ALL I WANTED WAS A SWEET DISTRACTION FOR

AN HOUR OR TWO / HAD NO INTENTION TO DO

THE THINGS WE'VE DONE / FUNNY HOW IT

ALWAYS GOES WITH LOVE, WHEN YOU DON'T

LOOK, YOU FIND / BUT THEN WE'RE TWO OF A

KIND / WE MOVE AS ONE

ANGLE ON Lori and Rex. Rex is visibly derisive, but we

see that Lori is softening. It's working...

JOHN (CONT'D)

WE'RE AN ALL-TIME HIGH / WE'LL CHANGE ALL

THAT'S GONE BEFORE / DOING SO MUCH MORE /

THAN FALLING IN LOVE

REX:

(fake voice, covering his

mouth and looking away)

You suck, get off the stage!

(then, for Lori's benefit)

Hey, come on guys!

The crowd starts to take the cue.

CROWD:

Get off the stage! / Boooo! / You suck! /

We wanna hear Norah! / Come on!

ANGLE ON Ted in the wings.

TED:

Ah, god.

JOHN:

SO HOLD ON TIGHT / LET THE FLIGHT

BEGIN...

(CONTINUED)

98

CONTINUED:

ANGLE ON a crazed audience member, who rushes the stage,

racing toward John.

CRAZY GUY:

You're an asshole!

John flinches as he raises the mic stand off the floor at

the last second, so the base is sticking out

horizontally. The crazy guy runs right into it, bashing

himself in the face. He goes down, unconscious and

bleeding. Everyone gasps as the music stops.

NORAH:

Jesus.

A few concert personnel rush out to check the guy.

STAGEHAND:

Someone call an ambulance!

The crowd is now shouting angrily at John. But he is

only focused n one spot in the crowd. He sees that Lori

and Rex are gone. Almost oblivious to the rest of the

frenzy, he sighs, heartbroken. A couple of concert

security personnel haul him offstage.

EXT. HATCH SHELL PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Rex escorts Lori to his car.

REX:

That was insane. Did you see the way

that guy's body hit the ground? It was

like a rag doll!

LORI:

Yeah, I'd rather just not talk about it.

REX:

You want to go get a drink after this? I

feel like I could use one after seeing a

guy almost die.

LORI:

Nope, I think I'd rather you just take me

home.

REX:

One drink, come on.

LORI:

Nope, not really feeling up to it.

(CONTINUED)

99

CONTINUED:

REX:

Alright, alright, I get it. I don't

blame you. When you think about it, it

was actually really unfair of him to

embarrass you like that.

LORI:

Just to be clear, I am not embarrassed.

Listen, John and I may have our problems

but at least he tried. You know what? I

don't feel like talking to you about

this.

She walks away.

REX:

Where you going?

LORI:

Taking a cab. I'm going home.

As she disappears out of earshot, Rex closes his eyes and

releases a fart.

REX:

Finally.

EXT./ ESTAB. JOHN & LORI'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME

Lori gets out of the shower, and begins towelling off,

still reeling with disgust from her encounter with Rex.

After a few moments, there's a knock at the door. Lori

sighs with annoyance, and walks to the door, still in her

towel. She looks through the peephole, but there's no

one there. She opens the door cautiously, and looks out

into the hall. There's no one there.

TED (O.S.)

Down here, I swear to god I'm not lookin'

up your towel.

She looks down with a start, and sees Ted standing there.

He's blocking his view with one hand.

TED (CONT'D)

Not lookin' up your towel. Not lookin'

at your funny business.

(CONTINUED)

100

CONTINUED:

LORI:

(pulling towel closer to her)

Ted? What're you doing here? What do

you want?

TED:

I need to talk to you.

LORI:

Look, if you're here to fight John's

battle for hi--

TED:

Lori, do me a favor and let me talk

first, and then you can say whatever you

want.

There's a beat. She reluctantly considers.

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER - DAY

Lori, now in a robe, sits down on the couch, facing Ted.

TED:

Look, John loves you very much. More

than anything in the world. And he's

fallin' to fuckin' pieces without you.

He knows he screwed up big time, but you

gotta believe me that is wasn't all his

fault. If you'll just give him one more

chance to be with you--

She rolls her eyes.

TED (CONT'D)

Listen to me! If you'll just give him

one more chance... I promise I will leave

and never come back. He'll be all yours.

Just give him one more chance.

LORI:

Ted... that's a very nice offer, but I

don't want you to do that. This is about

John and me and our problems. And I

don't think it can be fixed.

TED:

Because of me! Look, you want him to be

a man. And I'm the one who's keepin'

that from happening. As long as he's got

his teddy bear, he's still a boy. And I

care about him as much as you do. But

I'm willing to give up the boy so you can

have the man.

(CONTINUED)

101

CONTINUED:

We can see Lori starting to soften a bit.

TED (CONT'D)

Look, I'm givin' this the best shot I got

here, Lori. I'm beggin' you. I'm no

good at this emotional crap, but I gotta

help my best friend. Please. Just talk

to him.

LORI:

(SIGH)

I'll talk to him.

TED:

Thank you. He's waitin' for me down at

Charley's. So... maybe you could,

y'know... go down instead of me?

LORI:

What... now?

TED:

Please. You'll regret it for the rest of

your life if you don't.

LORI:

Alright, alright, I'll go.

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SHORTLY AFTER

Lori emerges from the bedroom, dressed, and heads for the

door. Ted is on the couch watching TV.

TED:

(flipping on TV)

Hey, you mind if I stay and watch the

Sox?

The door shuts and she's gone. Ted gets up and walks

into the kitchen. He opens the fridge.

TED (CONT'D)

Jesus Christ, what a chick fridge.

Yoplait, a cantaloupe, and a Brita water

filter.

He opens up a crisper drawer, and looks at a six-pack of

beer bottles.

TED (CONT'D)

Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit.

My god, America is imploding.

(CONTINUED)

102

CONTINUED:

He shakes his head as he opens the beer, and walks into

the other room. He settles down in a recliner, and

watches the game. After a moment, there's a knock at the

door. Ted sighs with annoyance, and gets up.

TED (CONT'D)

Forget your keys?

He walks to the door, and opens it up.

TED (CONT'D)

You know, your beer suck--

He freezes, and looks up. We reveal Donny, the creepy

man from earlier, with his son Robert.

DONNY:

Hi, Ted.

TED:

Fuck.

Donny throws a sack over Ted, trapping him.

EXT./ ESTAB. CHARLEY'S - LATER DAY

Lori's car pulls up, and she gets out.

INT. CHARLEY'S - CONTINUOUS

Lori enters, and looks around. She spots John, who looks

up from a menu. He is surprised to see her. She sighs

and walks over to him.

JOHN:

Lori! What-- what are you doing here?

LORI:

You can thank Ted.

A beat. John smiles slightly.

LORI (CONT'D)

How are you?

JOHN:

Good, good. I've, uh... made myself a

nice little home at the Midtown Hotel up

the street. I'd show you around, but

it's kinda classy. They require an

undershirt and at least one visible cold

sore for all customers.

(CONTINUED)

103

CONTINUED:

LORI:

(LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY)

Well. Shall I sit?

JOHN:

Uh, yeah.

She does. There's a beat. A busboy brings them each a

water.

JOHN (CONT'D)

So, work's good? Everything good there?

LORI:

Yeah. Work's fine.

JOHN:

How's Rex?

LORI:

There is no Rex.

JOHN:

Oh. Good.

(BEAT)

Well... I guess we can't make small talk

all day, so I'll say what I wanna say. I

could sit here and tell you I'm sorry, it

was a huge misunderstanding, and I'm

ready to change. But I don't think you

wanna hear any of that crap. I'm not

gonna try and get you to take me back.

Why would you? I've been a really shitty

boyfriend for the last four years. I

don't deserve you. I didn't take our

relationship seriously, even though I

love you more than life itself. All I

want is... just to end on good terms.

Because I owe that to you. I want you to

be happy... and for us to be friends.

LORI:

(a little taken aback)

Wow. Thank you. I appreciate that.

JOHN:

Well. That's pretty much it.

He takes out some money, and puts it on the table, paying

the check. He smiles at her and walks out. She sits

there for a beat.

104

EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - LATE DAY

Donny's car pulls up. The house is a low-class, creepily

shabby-looking Boston home (think Buffalo Bill in

"Silence of the Lambs"). It's close to one end of the

base of a bridge.

INT. DONNY'S HOUSE - LATE DAY

Donny carries the sack inside, and unceremoniously dumps

Ted onto the floor. Ted looks around. It's just as

shitty on the inside as on the outside. On the walls,

there are a disturbing number of newspaper clippings,

photo spreads, etc. Most are from press from Ted's media

heyday, but some are photographs of Ted and John out in

public that Donny clearly took himself.

TED:

Whoa...

DONNY:

Yes, as you can see, you've been part of

our family for quite some time. Welcome

home.

TED:

Heh, you know what's hilarious, I got

tons of pictures of you guys at my house.

ROBERT:

Daddy, is he all mine?

DONNY:

He's all yours, my little winner.

You've arrived at a lucky time, Ted.

It's almost Robert's play hour.

TED:

I'm guessin' you guys don't have a PS3.

I'm guessin' you're more of a wooden

horse with a wig kinda family.

INT. ROBERT'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Ted is led into Robert's room. It's a fairly sparse room

with some toys strewn about. A wooden rocking horse with

a wig stands in the corner.

TED:

Huh. Wig horse.

Robert sits down on the floor, smiling at him. Donny

stands in the doorway.

(CONTINUED)

105

CONTINUED:

DONNY:

Now, remember, Ted, you belong to Robert

now. So you will do as he says.

TED:

Y'know, you think you're just gonna get

away with a kidnapping? Nice fuckin'

example you're settin' for your kid.

DONNY:

(leaning in to Ted with

ANGER)

LANGUAGE!!!

Ted flinches nervously. Donny moves back.

DONNY (CONT'D)

When I was a little boy, I saw you on

television. And I thought you were the

most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd

ever seen. Ever. And I asked my father

if I could have a magical teddy bear,

too. And he said no. And I was

heartbroken. I decided that if I ever

had a son, I would never say no to him.

TED:

Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once

in awhile wouldn't hurt.

ROBERT:

Me and Ted are gonna be best friends,

daddy.

DONNY:

Yes. You are. Happy play time.

Donny shuts the door. Robert stares at Ted.

TED:

Jesus fucking Christ!

ROBERT:

No! Daddy said no bad words!

TED:

Yeah well, fuck your dad.

Ted scrambles for the window and tries to open it. It

doesn't budge. He takes a running leap at it, but just

bounces off like a plush toy, and lands on the floor.

TED (CONT'D)

Shit!

(CONTINUED)

106

CONTINUED:

Robert stands over him.

ROBERT:

I said a bad word one time, and daddy

punished me for it.

TED:

That's a great story, I felt like I was

there.

ROBERT:

Daddy gave me an ouch. Now I have to

give you an ouch.

Robert grabs Ted with one hand, and gets a grip on one of

Ted's ears with the other hand. Robert pulls on the ear

as hard as he can, and rips the ear off. Ted screams as

loud as he can. Robert looks at him, holding the ear.

TED:

Okay... okay, kid. You win. We'll do it

your way. You wanna play a game or

somethin'? It's play time, let's play a

game.

ROBERT:

Yeah, I wanna play a game!

TED:

Good, good, hey, how `bout we play a

little game of hide and seek?

ROBERT:

I love hide and seek! I'll hide!

TED:

Well, now, Robert, your dad likes you to

show good manners, right?

ROBERT:

Yes.

TED:

Well, a well-mannered kid lets his guest

hide first, don't ya think?

There's a beat. Robert stares blankly at him, then:

ROBERT:

Okay, you hide first.

TED:

Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count

to a hundred and then try to find me,

okay?

(CONTINUED)

107

CONTINUED:

ROBERT:

Do I need to wash my hands before this

game?

TED:

You... well-- no, you-- god, that's a

weird fuckin' question, no, just start

countin'.

Robert sits down, covers his eyes and starts counting.

ROBERT:

One... two... three...

Ted grabs a chair and starts sliding it over toward the

door.

TED:

Okay, no peekin', now, or you'll get kid

cancer.

Ted reaches the door, climbs up onto the chair, and turns

the doorknob. He opens the door, and exits out into the

hallway. After a beat, he re-enters, grabs his severed

ear, and exits again.

INT. HALLWAY - LATE DAY

Ted nervously moves down the hallway toward the front

door. He has it in sight on the far end of the living

room, but when he gets closer to the living room doorway,

he sees that Donny is sitting in an armchair, watching

The Incredible Hulk (the old TV show). Ted darts back

into the hallway before he's seen, but in the process,

bumps into a small table with a lamp and a couple knick

knacks on it. One of them, a small ceramic penguin,

falls over, making a sound. Donny turns and looks in the

direction of the hallway.

DONNY:

(BEAT)

Robert? How's play time?

INT. ROBERT'S ROOM - LATE DAY

Robert's hands still cover his eyes.

ROBERT:

Good, daddy!

108

INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE DAY

DONNY:

Ted, are you making friends with Robert?

Ted looks panicky, not knowing what to do. After a beat,

Donny leans forward as if he's about to get up.

DONNY (CONT'D)

Ted?

ROBERT (O.S.)

Daddy, you're gonna ruin the game!

DONNY:

(CHUCKLING)

Okay.

Ted breathes a sigh of relief, and walks the other way

down the hall. He passes a door. He opens it, but it's

just a storage closet. He's about to shut it, but

notices a stapler amidst the odds and ends. He hastily

begins stapling his ear back on.

INT. DONNY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Donny's hears something, and turns to look. We think

he's about to get up, but he then settles back in.

ANGLE BACK ON TED, who puts on last staple in.

Satisfied, he exits the closet and continues down the

hall.

INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY

Ted looks around, and spots a phone on the counter. He

jumps up, grabs the handset, and jumps back down. He

dials John's number.

EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS

John is walking back to the Midtown Hotel. After a beat,

Lori's car pulls up slowly alongside him. She leans

over.

LORI:

Hey.

JOHN:

Hey.

(CONTINUED)

109

CONTINUED:

LORI:

Kinda late to be walkin' home by

yourself.

JOHN:

Oh, I'll be okay. If I get raped, it'll

be my fault with what I'm wearing.

LORI:

Listen, John... there's something I wanna

say to you, too.

He pauses, then gets into the car and sits down next to

her. She prepares to speak, but John's phone rings. He

shuts it off without looking at it.

JOHN:

Go ahead.

INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY/DUSK

Ted nervously holds the phone to his ear.

INT. LORI'S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK

LORI:

John, I just want you to know that... I

mean, I hope you don't think that--

John's phone rings. He looks down at it, annoyed. It

reads "Unknown caller." He silences it.

LORI (CONT'D)

I, um... I just feel like we should...

keep talking. Because--

John's phone rings again. Exasperated, he answers it.

JOHN:

Whoever this is, it's not a good time.

INTERCUT BACK & FORTH BETWEEN TED AND JOHN:

TED:

John! It's me! Can you hear me?

JOHN:

Ted?

Lori sighs, slightly annoyed.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Listen, I gotta call you back.

(CONTINUED)

110

CONTINUED:

TED:

No, John! Don't hang up, I'm in trouble!

JOHN:

What do you mean, what kinda trouble?

Lori turns, slightly curious, but still annoyed.

TED:

They got me! That freaky guy and his

freaky fat kid!

JOHN:

What?

TED:

I'm in their house, John! You gotta call

the police, they won't let me outta here!

They tore my ear off!

JOHN:

Wait, slow down! Where are you?

TED:

Uh... I'm not sure, it's uh--

Suddenly, a hand grabs the phone away from Ted. He gasps

and looks up. It's Donny, who slams the phone back down

in its cradle.

DONNY:

(dark, brewing rage)

You're not a very polite guest.

TED:

Shit.

INT. LORI'S CAR - LATE DAY/DUSK

JOHN:

(INTO PHONE)

Ted? Ted? Hello? Ted!

LORI:

What's the matter, is he all right?

JOHN:

I don't know.

LORI:

Where is he?

JOHN:

I don't know, but he's in trouble.

(CONTINUED)

111

CONTINUED:

LORI:

Why? What happened? Can you call him

back?

JOHN:

No, it's blocked-- wait a second.

John scrambles for his wallet. He opens it, and pulls

out the address given to him earlier by Donny at the

Common. He looks at it, then points out the window.

JOHN (CONT'D)

Go! Take Columbus to Herald and get on

the expressway!

EXT. BOSTON STREET - CONTINUOUS

Lori's car peels out and races off.

INT. DONNY'S KITCHEN - LATE DAY

Donny stands over Ted.

DONNY:

You've put us in a pickle here, haven't

you? We have to go now.

TED:

Yeah, good idea.

Ted runs through Donny's legs, and out into the hall. He

races for the living room and the exit, but Robert steps

in front of the door, blocking him.

TED (CONT'D)

Aaaa!

ROBERT:

Found you.

Robert turns the deadbolt on the door, locking it. Ted

turns and bolts in the other direction back down the

hallway, but sees Donny heading for him. Ted ducks into

the dining room, as Donny lunges for him and misses.

INT. DINING ROOM - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS

Donny pursues Ted around the table. Ted ducks under the

table, under the chairs, etc. trying to escape Donny (and

Robert, who has entered the room). Ted slips past them

and back out into the hall.

(CONTINUED)

112

CONTINUED:

He races for the door, but the deadbolt is too high to

reach. He runs into the living room, and pushes open a

door.

INT. BASEMENT - LATE DAY - CONTINUOUS

Ted tumbles down the dark stairs into the basement, which

is lit only by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling.

He lands, gets his bearings, then freezes in shock, as he

sees that the basement is loaded with ripped and

mutilated teddy bears.

TED:

AAAAAA!

Donny and Robert move in to frame behind him.

DONNY:

We tried to make do with other teddy

bears. But none of them were you, Ted.

Ted whirls around in shock, as we cut to:

EXT. STREET - DUSK

John and Lori race through the streets of Boston.

INT. LORI'S CAR - DUSK

JOHN:

It's this creepy fucked-up guy who wants

Ted for his creepy fucked-up son. They

got him somehow.

LORI:

Which way?

JOHN:

Shoot up 99!

EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS

The car makes a hard left.

INT. LORI'S CAR - DUSK - CONTINUOUS

John finishes punching numbers into his cellphone.

(CONTINUED)

113

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

(INTO PHONE)

Hello, 911? I need the police right

away! This guy took my teddy bear!

(BEAT)

...Hello?

EXT. BOSTON STREET - DUSK - CONTINUOUS

Lori's car speeds away.

EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Donny and Robert emerge from the house. Donny clutches

the sack. We can see it move as Ted struggles to get

free. Robert gets in the back seat of the car as Donny

opens the way back door, and dumps Ted inside.

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted tumbles out of the sack and into the way back. Donny

slams the door. He gets into the car.

DONNY:

Robert, seat belt.

Robert buckles up.

EXT. DONNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny pulls away down the alley.

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted scrambles to his feet.

INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

John looks around frantically, then spots something out

of the passenger's side window.

JOHN'S POV - They pass the alley, where we see Donny's

car heading out of the alleyway.

JOHN:

(TO LORI)

Whoa whoa, stop stop stop!

The car slows down, and John sees Donny's car make the

turn out onto the street. Ted is looking out the back.

114

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

TED:

Johnny!

Robert and Donny both hear this. Donny looks in his side-

view mirror, just in time to see Lori's car swing a U-

turn to pursue them. Donny speeds up, and races off up

the street. Lori's car speeds up in pursuit.

EXT. STREETS OF BOSTON - NIGHT

We do several quick cuts as the chase blasts its way

through the Boston streets, avoiding traffic and

pedestrians.

INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny's car races through the tunnel. Lori's car

pursues.

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted continues to stare out the back. He then notices a

crowbar on the floor in the way back. He grabs it, and

takes a hard swing at the rear window. It does not

break. Robert sees this, and scrambles to undo his seat

belt.

INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

JOHN:

Come on, we're losing him!

Lori speeds up.

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted takes another swing at the window. The glass does

not break. Robert undoes his seat belt, and scrambles

back. He grabs Ted, who drops the crowbar. He starts to

pull Ted back over into the back seat, but Ted manages to

wriggle free.

INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

The chase continues.

115

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted grabs the crowbar, and again takes a swing at the

window. This time, it shatters. He drops the crowbar,

and climbs up onto the edge of the window.

INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

They see Ted in the window.

JOHN:

Get closer!

LORI:

I'm trying!

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted gets one leg and one arm up onto the edge of the

window, when suddenly he is whacked hard in the side of

the head, sending him tumbling onto the floor. We see

that Robert has struck him hard with the crowbar.

TED:

(holding head in pain)

Aaaaa! Shit!!

INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

They continue watch with held breath, as they keep up.

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted shakes himself off, still a little dazed, and climbs

back up. Robert climbs into the way back and grabs one

of his legs.

ROBERT:

No! You're being bad!

Ted reaches down and grabs the crowbar with one arm, and

brandishes it threateningly at Robert.

TED:

Back off, Susan Boyle.

Robert backs off in fear. Ted climbs out onto the rear

of the car, and positions himself to make the jump. He

tosses the crowbar away into the tunnel. John and Lori

speed up, getting closer to him, so he can make the jump.

116

INT. LORI'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

JOHN:

Easy...

LORI:

I know.

JOHN:

EASY--

LORI:

I know!

INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Lori's car moves closer to Donny's. There's a tense

moment with some back and forth cutting... and then Ted

makes the jump! He lands on the hood of Lori's car, and

slides across, grabbing the windshield wiper to avoid

falling off. He pulls himself back up. John and Lori

breathe energetic sighs of relief.

TED:

Johnny! Total T.J. Hooker, right?

John and Lori laugh.

JOHN:

Yes! Fuckin' A right!

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny sees what's happening in his side mirror. He puts

his foot on the brakes, and the car screeches as it

drastically reduces speed. John's car slams into Donny's

causing Ted to go flying back through open rear window of

Donny's car, past Robert (who is still in the way back)

and tumbling into the back seat.

TED:

God dammit!

Ted gets his bearings, and notices the sack that Donny

captured him in, lying on the floor. He looks up at

Donny for a beat, then grabs the sack.

ANGLE ON Donny driving. Suddenly, Ted jumps up from

behind, and throws the sack over Donny's head, bracing

himself against the back of the front seat. Donny yells

in anger, and pulls at Ted, trying to get him off.

117

INT. TUNNEL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny's car scrapes against the side of the tunnel,

sending sparks flying.

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny grabs Ted and flings him off his face, onto the

floor on the passengers' side. Donny rips the sack off

his head, and reacts as he looks out the front window.

He's approaching the end of the tunnel, and there is

opposing traffic moving in the other direction.

EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny swerves past the traffic, narrowly avoiding

clipping one of the cars. A moment later, John and Lori

come racing out of the tunnel. However, a truck drives

through the intersection, stopping them in their tracks.

LORI:

Shit!

She pounds on the steering wheel, frantically willing the

truck to get out of the way. Finally it does, and they

continue on into the city.

EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Donny's car races through the streets, pursued by John

and Lori, who are catching up again, but are still a ways

behind.

INT. DONNY'S CAR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Ted is still on the floor on the passenger's seat side.

He looks around, and spots a "Club" underneath the seat.

He glances at Donny, whose eyes are on the road. Ted

grabs the club, and scrambles up the seat, taking a swing

at Donny. Donny ducks out of the way, and tries to slap

Ted away as Ted continues to takes swings at him. A few

of them land, eventually drawing blood. Donny smacks Ted

away. Ted tumbles back onto the passenger's seat. Then,

with determination, he grabs the Club again, scurries in

front of Donny, and locks the Club onto the steering

wheel with a snap! Donny's eyes widen as Ted scrambles

into the back seat. Donny tries to turn the wheel, but

can't.

118

EXT. BOSTON CITY STREETS - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Donny's car swerves out of control, veering up the

street, and crashing into a lamppost, fishtailing as it

impacts. The airbags go off as the car comes to a stop.

Taking advantage of the situation, Ted scrambles out the

back window. He catches his fur on a jagged shard of

glass, slightly ripping his side. He hangs and struggles

for a bit, then drops to the ground. He sways a bit.

TED'S POV - We see that his vision is swimming slightly.

That little rip has done something... He shakes it off,

and runs up the sidewalk. ANGLE ON DONNY, who scrambles

out of the wrecked car, followed by Robert. They chase

Ted up the street. Ted spots a garage with the door

slightly open. He squeezes himself underneath, and

disappears inside.

ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - They screech to a stop behind

Donny's car. They hurry out, just in time to see Donny

and Robert duck underneath the door. They run up the

sidewalk after them.

INT. UNDERGROUND AREA - CONTINUOUS

Ted runs down a ramp, looking frantically around for an

escape route. He darts off to the left, sprinting up a

ramp, followed by Donny and Robert. Ted stops at a red

metal fence, and squeezes through, rushing up the stairs

on the other side. Donny reaches the fence, but with his

larger size he has to climb over the top, which slows him

down a bit.

ANGLE ON JOHN AND LORI - We catch them ducking in through

the garage door, and running inside. They look around

for a beat. ANGLE ON ROBERT, who turns and sees them

(Donny has already made it over the fence). ANGLE BACK

ON JOHN.

ROBERT (O.S.)

NO!!

John and Lori turn just in time to see Robert charging at

them!

ROBERT (CONT'D)

You can't have my teddy bear!!

When Robert reaches John, John knocks him down with one

punch to the face. Robert collapses. Lori and John look

down at him.

LORI:

Oh my god.

(CONTINUED)

119

CONTINUED:

JOHN:

Sorry, someone had to go Joan Crawford on

that kid.

(THEN)

Come on!

John and Lori run up the ramp, leaving a stunned Robert

behind. When they reach the red fence, they look around,

but it's unclear which way Ted and Donny have gone. John

continues up the ramp (in the wrong direction) with Lori

just behind him.

INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS

Ted runs as fast as his stubby legs will carry him.

Donny is in pursuit, and getting closer. The chase moves

past a concession area, and up a few flights of stairs.

EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS

Ted runs out onto the upper level, and stops. The camera

PIVOTS 180 DEGREES and ascends to reveal the expanse of

FENWAY PARK down below. A few lights are on, and one

lone maintenance man sweeps the dirt. Donny emerges from

the stairwell, which snaps Ted out of it. Ted sprints

past the front row of seats, and comes to a dead end. He

has nowhere else to go. With Donny closing in, Ted

scurries out onto the ledge, and pulls himself up onto

the lighting tower. He looks down. From TED'S POV, it's

a long drop. Donny reaches out to grab him, but can't

quite reach. Donny glances down at the drop for a beat,

then pulls himself out onto the ledge to go after Ted.

Ted climbs farther up the tower.

INT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS

John and Lori emerge and continue to look around

frantically. They run up the walkway.

EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Donny pursues Ted up the tower.

EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS

John and Lori emerge into the lower seating section, and

run down the aisle, looking around with desperation.

(CONTINUED)

120

CONTINUED:

LORI:

(spotting the action on the

TOWER)

Look!

John turns and sees the drama playing out on the distant

lighting tower.

JOHN:

Oh Jesus...

(THEN)

Stay here.

LORI:

Wait, John! What are you--

JOHN:

STAY THERE!!

He turns and runs back up the aisle, toward the

concession area.

EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Ted is starting to gain ground, but he slips, and falls

back down. He's about to pulls himself up again, when

Donny grabs one of his legs.

EXT. LOWER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS

John continues up the aisle as fast as he can move.

EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Ted struggles to pull himself from Donny's grasp, but he

can't. CLOSE UP ON TED'S SIDE - The small rip from

earlier begins to tear again. CLOSE UP ON TED'S FACE -

His eyes go wide, and for a moment, his face freezes with

fear. TED'S POV - His vision swims a bit more. He knows

this is not good...

EXT. CONCESSION AREA - CONTINUOUS

John reaches the top of the lower seating area, and

sprints past the concession bar, heading for the stairs.

121

EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

The struggle continues. As Ted tries to pull himself

free, the rip gets bigger. He reacts again, and again we

see his vision swimming even more.

EXT. STAIRS - CONTINUOUS

John runs up the stairwell.

EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

The struggle continues. Ted tries to pull himself up,

but he's visibly weakened and his hands are slipping.

EXT. - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS

John continues up the stairwell.

EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Ted manages to pull free from Donny. He uses all his

depleted strength to pull himself farther up.

EXT. UPPER SEATING AREA - CONTINUOUS

John runs past the top of the stairwell, and sprints over

toward the lighting tower, just in time to see...

EXT. LIGHTING TOWER - CONTINUOUS

Donny makes one final reach for Ted. He grabs Ted by the

foot again, and pulls hard. With one great RRRIIIIIIP,

Ted tears into two pieces. As John watches in shock, Ted

falls through the air in SLO-MOTION, a shower of white

stuffing descending with him. Lori watches with a hand

over her mouth. The two halves of Ted land, along with

the scattered white stuffing. Donny, still hanging,

stares down at the fallen teddy bear. He starts pulling

himself back over the ledge.

We lead and follow John as he runs back down through the

stadium with desperate numbness. Lori climbs over the

edge of the seating area, and runs toward him as well.

ANGLE BACK ON DONNY, who pulls himself back over into the

upper seating area. He hears the sound of a cop siren,

and peers over the edge of the stadium. Seeing a cop car

pull up far below, he makes a break for it.

(CONTINUED)

122

CONTINUED:

Down below, Ted's top half lies on the grass, looking

around in a daze, like a badly wounded soldier for whom

there is not much hope. John and Lori race to his side,

and kneel down.

JOHN:

Ted!

LORI:

Oh my God...

TED:

(weak, slow breathing)

Johnny...

Ted looks glassy-eyed for a beat. John starts to

frantically gather up the chunks of stuffing.

JOHN:

Lori, get the stuffing! Get it all!

Lori starts helping him, desperately grabbing chunks of

the white cotton.

TED:

Johnny...

John leans back over Ted.

JOHN:

You're gonna be okay, buddy. you

understand? You're gonna be fine.

TED:

(WEAK)

Jesus, I look like the robot from

"Aliens".

JOHN:

No, look at me, buddy. I promise, you're

gonna be okay.

TED:

I... I don't think so. I'm... I'm in

trouble. I need... I need to tell you

something.

JOHN:

What is it?

TED:

Don't... don't ever lose her again.

She's the most important... most

important part of your life.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

123

CONTINUED:

TED (CONT'D)

Even more than me. She's your thunder

buddy now. She's--

Ted closes his eyes... and dies. ANGLE DIRECTLY ABOVE

TED as we pull away, and it starts to rain...

EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The rain is pouring now. Lori's car pulls up. She and

John hurry out, John holding the remains of Ted. They

race inside.

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

John and Lori burst in with the remains of Ted. They're

both drenched from the rain. Lori frantically searches

drawers for sewing materials. She finds a needle and

thread, and John puts Ted on the table. Lori starts to

sew him up as John watches intently.

LORI:

John... I don't know if this is gonna--

JOHN:

Just try. Please. Just try.

She continues sewing, until she is all finished. They

wait. Ted still does not move. John and Lori lower

their heads.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

John sits on the couch, head in hands. Ted still lies on

the coffee table. Lori enters with a blanket, and drapes

it around him. She sits down next to him, bringing part

of the blanket around herself. She places a hand on his

shoulder.

LORI:

John... I'm sorry. You did everything

you could. I'm... I'm just so sorry.

She gently puts an arm around him. There is a

thunderclap outside. John does not react.

LORI (CONT'D)

(almost too softly to be

HEARD)

You're not afraid...

(CONTINUED)

124

CONTINUED:

ANGLE ON TED (shortly after) as a white sofa blanket is

placed over him. John and Lori shut off the lights, and

exit...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT

John is asleep, but we see that Lori is still lying

awake. She sighs restlessly, and gets up. She walks

over to the window, and looks out.

EXT. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - SAME

ANGLE UPWARD - We see a cloudy sky, much like the one

from that night when John was a child. As before, there

is a small clear patch in the center. A shooting star

whizzes by through the opening.

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Lori's eyes widen a bit in recognition. She stares at

the shooting star for a beat, then closes her eyes and

makes a wish...

EXT./ESTAB. JOHN AND LORI'S APARTMENT - TIME LAPSE

INT. JOHN AND LORI'S BEDROOM - MORNING

John wakes up, looks around groggily, then remembers. He

gets out of bed, and walks toward the living room.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

He pauses for a beat... and walks in. The blanket is

where it was left. John slowly removes it. Ted is still

motionless. John lowers his head sadly. Suddenly, Ted's

eyes snap open.

JOHN:

Ted!

TED:

(RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)

I'm alive, Johnny!

JOHN:

Oh my god!

(CONTINUED)

125

CONTINUED:

TED:

(RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)

I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!

JOHN:

You're back!

TED:

(RETARDED-SOUNDING VOICE)

Yeah! I mean, when you sewed me up, you

put some of the stuffing in the wrong

places, so I'm a little fucked up. Will

you take care of me forever and ever?

John stares at him, confused.

TED (CONT'D)

(NORMAL VOICE)

Nah, I'm just kiddin' ya, I thought it'd

be funny if you thought I was fuckin'

retarded.

JOHN:

You asshole!

John grabs him and hugs him. Lori enters. She sees

what's happening, and a huge smile crosses her face.

LORI:

Welcome back, Ted.

John turns to Lori, and realizes...

JOHN:

It... it was you. You did it. (cover

this line with addition:) It was your

wish.

TEDDY:

(smiling, speechless)

Son of a bitch...You wished for my life

back.

She smiles at him.

LORI:

No. I wished for my life back. Because

I love you both.

John goes to her, and kisses her passionately.

TED:

You were pretty great out there at

Fenway, Johnny.

(CONTINUED)

126

CONTINUED:

LORI:

Yeah, that's my big brave man.

JOHN:

Oh my god, do you know how awesome it was

punching a kid? I felt so powerful! I

mean if that's what it's like to hit a

woman, watch out, I liked it.

LORI:

(SMILING)

I love you.

JOHN:

I love you, too.

(THEN)

And, I want you to know that... I'm

probably never gonna be any more than a

guy who rents cars, but... I don't care.

You're the only thing that matters in my

life.

TED (O.S.)

AY--

JOHN:

You and Ted.

TED (O.S.)

Yes!

JOHN:

And after last night, I... I don't ever

want to lose anyone who matters to me

ever again. I'm not gonna wait any

longer for my life to start. Lori...

will you marry me?

LORI:

(beat, she smiles)

That's all I ever wanted.

John and Lori kiss as we pull away...

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And so John, Lori, and Ted lived happily

ever after, having discovered at last

that all they really needed was each

other. John and Lori were married in a

beautiful ceremony in Cambridge, by a

very special Justice of the Peace.

127

INT. CHURCH - DAY

We hear the Flash Gordon Wedding March as we ANGLE ON Sam

J. Jones standing in robes at the altar. Ted, in a tux,

stands in the best man's position. John stands on the

steps smiling and looking out as we cut to...

ANGLE ON Lori, walking down the aisle in a wedding dress,

smiling warmly. TIME CUT to shortly after, as Sam Jones

addresses the two of them, standing at the altar.

SAM JONES:

I now pronounce you man and wife. You

may kiss the bride.

John and Lori kiss each other. They turn and wave to the

cheering crowd. Ted waves happily to John, who waves

back. John and Lori run down the aisle joyfully, passing

pews full of people from the movie: Lori's co-workers,

John's co-workers, (Guy sitting with HIS BOYFRIEND, Alix

and Tanya, etc.).

EXT. OLD BOSTON CHURCH - CONTINUOUS

John and Lori come running out of the church, as the

crowd throws rice at them. They run to a waiting limo

with a "Just Married" sign on the back. John gets in,

and Lori turns to throw the bouquet toward Gina,

Michelle, Tracy, and Tanya. Tanya catches it. She turns

and smiles at Alix. Then suddenly, Tami-Lynn bursts into

frame, punching Tanya in the jaw. Tanya goes down as

Tami-Lynn tackles her, and the crowd tries to pull her

off. ANGLE ON the limo as it pulls away...

Ted stands next to Sam J. Jones, watching with a smile as

his best friend heads off.

TED:

Y'know Sam, there's only one way to end a

perfect day.

SAM JONES:

What's that?

TED:

On three.

SAM JONES:

What on three?

TED:

Flash jump.

(CONTINUED)

128

CONTINUED:

SAM JONES:

(REALIZING)

Right.

One... two... three.

DOWNSHOT Ted and Sam Jones leap into the air at the same

time...

TED/SAM JONES

YEAH!!!

They freeze frame in mid-air, as the Flash Gordon theme

kicks in. Over the music:

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And that's the story of how one magical

wish forever changed the lives of three

very special friends.

INSERT:
footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn from their double

date.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid

love affair for quite some time. One

afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli

counter eating potato salad off of Tami-

Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly

promoted to store manager.

INSERT:
footage of Sam Jones, walking toward John in slow

motion.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with

the goal of restarting his film career.

He currently resides in Burbank where he

shares a studio apartment with his

roommate Brandon Routh.

INSERT:
photo of BRANDON ROUTH.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Remember Brandon Routh from that god-

awful "Superman" movie? Jesus Christ.

Thanks for getting our hopes up and

taking a giant shit on us.

INSERT:
footage or Rex at the office.

(CONTINUED)

129

CONTINUED:

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not

long after he fell into a deep depression

and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

INSERT:
footage of Donny dancing in his living room.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Donny was arrested by Boston police and

charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The

charges were dropped when everyone

realized how completely stupid that

sounded.

INSERT:
footage of Robert, talking to Ted in his bedroom.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial

amount of weight, and went on to become

Taylor Lautner.

INSERT:
photo of TAYLOR LAUTNER.

THE END:

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Alec Sulkin

Alec Sulkin (born February 14, 1973) is an American television writer and producer of the animated series Family Guy. He has also contributed to The Cleveland Show, another series by Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane. more…

All Alec Sulkin scripts | Alec Sulkin Books

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"Ted" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2017. Web. 24 Nov. 2017. <http://www.scripts.com/script/ted_1084>.

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