Simon Konianski

To my father who wanted me

to mary a ''nice pianist''

To my grandfather

and his recycIed teabags

To my grandmother

and her deIightfuI insinceity

Watch the walls and the paper.

He touched it...

This is great!

You'll be fine here.

lt's cosy, welcoming,

nicely decorated...

And your dad's delighted

to have you to stay!

Three weeks later

Awake at last.

Look,

l've found a good ad for you.

They need a science teacher.

You can do science, nu?

Dad, l studied philosophy.

Philosophy, ok!

l didn't do physics,

science, mathematics...

So? Aiob's a iob.

You can't stay on the dole here

forever.

l iust woke.

Wait until 10 to bust my balls.

lt is 10, you layabout!

Put the talisman

as close as possible to your son.

Under his bed,

in his jacket's lining,

or in his briefcase.

He doesn't have a briefcase, Rebbe.

He doesn't even have a iob.

Never mind. Just make sure

he doesn't find it.

Just give it three weeks.

He'll find work,

he'll meet a nice girl

and, above all, he'll move out.

May God hear you, Rebbe.

But she has to be

a nice Jewish girl, Rebbe.

Not a shikse like that dancer

who dumped him.

Of course, Elias ben Moshe,

it only works for nice Jewish girls.

Coming!

Maurice, is that you?

You'll be here in two minutes?

Yes, stop shouting!

l'll check the street.

No, l don't see anyone.

No one, ok. Not even you, l see.

Where are you?

l see you now. l see you!

Relax, Moishe.

You're safe here.

No one sawyou come in.

Want some tea?

Just a drop then.

l'm getting those belly pains again.

The BeIgian govemment

is pressing both sides

for a truce in Gaza...

A truce now? They're crazy on TV!

Those Hamas Nazis want a truce?

Why is that thing

still round your neck, son?

You're better now, aren't you?

lt stays until the pain goes.

You could keep it on

for a year then?

Where's the remote?

Hundreds of people

took shelter here...

Dad, turn it down.

They thought they would be safe

inside a school.

But four Israeli rockets

Ianded in the compound,

injuing 40 peopIe.

Hi, Uncle Maurice.

Great hiding place.

Earlier, in Gaza,

another UN gchool wag attacked.

Simon, did anyone follow you here

when you came up?

The street's always empty.

So whose black car is that?

lt's Mr Hirsh's.

And the van next to it?

That's the Stasi.

They've been waiting for you.

Listen here, Simon,

don't you make fun of me!

l fought in Spain, Simon,

and l'm still on their list!

So tell me whose van it is!

l don't know.

There's no one out there, ok!

Don't get Uncle's blood pressure up!

Listen, Ernest, l'm going now.

See? He's leaving because ofyou!

You unworthy son!

Sh*t...

Well? Looked at those ads?

Nothing for me.

Move, you're not see-through.

And that teaching post?

lt's in Liege, in mathematics.

Take the train.

The train's not so bad.

l do a degree in mathematics first?

Ty to make an effort.

Your cousin Isaac never studied

and look at him now.

A nice wife, three children

and owner of a ''four-sided'' home.

- Lucky guy!

- Exactly.

But my son won't take the train

or get up at 7

to go to work.

He's too good for mathematics.

My son's been to university!

Knowwhen l started work?

Back then, you did anyiob going

and didn't live at home

until you were 36!

Dad, l've told you a thousand times:

this is temporay!

- Quiet! l'm not deaf.

- You are.

Hard of hearing,

Professor Berkenbaum said.

Doctor Berkenbaum is as deaf as you.

Professor, not doctor!

You keep the sound up

for Berkenbaum and the neighbours?

Shut up! Berkenbaum told me

not to let you wind me up!

lt's you, Corazon.

How are you, my dear?

How's my grandson?

Is school ok too?

Yes, he's right here.

l'll put him on.

Your goy.

Don't call her that!

Hello, Cori?

Just a second,

l'll go to another room.

Sh*t!

Sory, Corazon, l totally forgot.

l was at the hospital

and l had to keep my phone off.

Don't get mad, l'm going.

Schmuli!

Schmuli!

Dad!

Excuse me,

but why is he wrapped up

when it's so hot here?

You should have been here

to pick him up an hour ago.

We kept calling you.

Without your wife,

l'd have called the cops.

You should have hit him first

and given him a cold shower, sadist!

Screwyou, sir!

You haven't been stuck here an hour!

l don't think you get it.

Screwyou, you Nazi!

F***...

Are you ok?

Are you ok, Dad?

Do you need an ambulance?

Does it hurt a lot?

l'm ok.

Sory, l shouldn't have hit you.

Yes...

l know, not after 8.

You told me 100 times.

No Coke, no crisps.

You think l'm stupid?

Of course he'll do his teeth!

Come on, Corazon,

it only happened once.

l have my ticket for your ballet.

l'm coming anyway.

It's a f***ing free county!

Ok, Schmuli?

Knowwhat we'll do this weekend?

We'll do some great stuff.

We'll go to McDonald's

and to the movies.

Mum says l can't drink Coke.

We'll have Fanta.

Can we buy me a rabbit?

Forget the rabbit. Your mum said no.

She's stubborn.

Please...

lt's not fair.

Please...

Stop it, you're being a pain!

l'll ask Karl

to buy me a rabbit then.

Who's Karl?

He sleeps in Mum's bed.

Who is this Nazi bastard?

l don't know.

l think he's in Mum's show.

She doesn't waste time!

You ok, Dad?

What's this Karl like?

ls he tall?

Good-looking?

Tougher than Dad?

Yes, he's stronger than Dad.

But he's not as funny.

Great.

He asks about you.

He wants to be your friend.

Ok, cut it out now.

Dad doesn't like Karl

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