Shanghai Kiss

- MAN:
you're late.

- I know, I'm sorry.

- I-- there was

a lot of traffic...

slate, please.

- traffic.

- slate.

- uh, Liam Liu.

- profile.

So, you know

Kung Fu?

Uh...

What color belt

are you?

Uh...

I-- I don't

have a belt.

Oh, you know what I love?

I love suspenders.

- You don't know

martial arts?

no...

It says on your resume

that you know martial arts.

Is-- is there martial arts

in this commercial?

I thought it was

for toothpaste.

- where are you from?

- New York City.

Uh, Queens, actually,

but I went to Dalton,

So I retain

the same elitist...

- no, I mean

what's your ethnicity?

oh, I'm Chinese.

You speak Chinese?

- not fluently.

- (chuckles)

Is says here,

"speaks Chinese fluently."

I'm sorry, is--

is there Chinese

in this commercial?

I thought

it was like...?

Okay, thank you very

much for coming, Liam.

What?

That's it?

I didn't even

get to read yet.

Well, we're looking

for Japanese, actually.

WOMAN:

don't be sad.

What?

You look sad,

don't be.

It's--

it's my car.

You know, it just

got towed because of

a few parking tickets,

Which is why

I guess I'm here

Utilizing L.A.'s

fabulous, you know, public

transportation system.

Well...

somebody told me,

I don't know who

whenever you

are sad and blue

and you're feeling

all alone and left behind

just take a look

inside you and you'll find

you've got to hold on,

hold on through the night

hang on,

things'll be all right

even when it's dark

and not a bit of spark

sing some sunshine

from above

spreading grace

of sunny love

- mm-mm-mmm.

- (claps)

Hey, that's--

"Rays of Sunny Love"

is great,

but I still don't

have my car.

Well, think of it

on the bright side--

And what's that?

You never would have gotten

to meet me, silly goose.

Do you want to get

a cup of coffee with me?

You see, if I go home now,

then I'll be home alone,

and it's a little scary.

How old are you?

Why? Is it illegal

to share a caffeinated

beverage with a minor?

I-- I really shouldn't.

I mean, it just

wouldn't be logical.

What if I'm the one?

The-- the one?

If I am, then you'd feel

pretty stupid not having

a cup of coffee with me.

I guess so.

I mean, I'm not saying

that I am the one,

There's just always

that possibility, you know?

And isn't that

what life's about--

possibilities?

I-- I really shouldn't.

You can do anything

you want to.

It's the beauty

of living.

Wow.

(laughs)

(rock music playing)

Liam:

every time I go out

on something, Joe,

It's always for some

Kung Fu, deli store,

- computer Chinese--

- you're a little Chinese guy.

You're gonna go out for roles

for little Chinese guys...

I was born in New York!

How about-- how about a role

for somebody born in New York?

Nobody asked you to quit

college and try your hand

at the lucrative world

of motion picture and

television acting.

What-- what am I gonna

do with a degree?

I'm gonna spend

eight hours a day

trapped in a little cubicle,

raking one of those

desktop zen gardens.

Hey, I'd prefer that over

spending all your damn time

- with Malibu Barbie.

- Her name is Adelaide...

- all right.

-...And she's

a really sweet girl.

You-- you haven't even

given her a chance.

- She's 16 years old.

- She's applying to Stanford,

did I tell you that?

Anybody can

apply to Stanford.

You want some of that?

At least I don't go

online to meet girls.

Hey now, God invented

match.com for a reason,

and that reason is me.

(laughs)

Look, one even replied

to me last night.

- You wouldn't

like her, though.

Why?

- She's Asian.

- Ah...

No, but I'm happy

for you.

I hope she

love you long time.

Thank you.

Look, I gotta go.

It's late and I gotta

try to write something.

I'm still blocked,

you know?

- You know, most writers have

to write something first...

(cell phone ringing)

...before getting blocked.

You can't be impotent

without first being potent.

- and what the hell

was that?

What?

I know that

that's your dad calling,

Because you got that

stupid little ring

so that you know

it's your dad calling.

And by the way, he knows

you send him to voicemail.

- He doesn't know sh*t.

- Yes he does, because

you push "end."

You can't push "end,"

it only rings twice then

goes to voicemail.

- You gotta let it go

all the way through...

I don't want to talk to him.

Why? He's the one supporting

your hedonistic lifestyle.

My dad's a drunk.

My dad's insane.

You don't know my dad.

Forget about your dad.

And forget about Malibu Adi.

Check this blonde

at the bar out.

She's gorgeous.

- Which one?

- The one in pink...

- The place is

swimming in blondes.

with the straw...

Sucking on that straw like

she knows what she's doing.

Dude, she's like

an 8.9... at least.

- 8.9?!

- Yeah.

Let me tell you something,

my friend.

This girl represents

everything that is wrong

with this society--

From her fake tits

to her fake nose,

to that-- that fake

f***ing smile--

you see that?

--to her fake

f***ing Dior bag.

How do you know

her bag's fake?

You know what's the worst part?

She gets away with that.

She gets away with not having

anything close to resembling

a real personality.

Bag looks real to me.

(girl laughs)

Let me guess--

Capricorn.

- Libra.

- Close enough.

You wanna

buy me a drink?

What makes you think

you deserve a drink?

Uh, because I'm

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