Odder Human (sequel to Odd Human)

---

INT. PLAYGROUND - AFTERNOON

Overly Awkward lawyer MR. STALLONE ALONE is arguing with Nice Chef MS. Blake BLUNDER. STALLONE tries to hug Blake but she shakes him off.

STALLONE:

NO!

Blake

I'm sorry Stallone, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on.

STALLONE:

I am such a failure!

Blake frowns as she slowly walks off.

Blake

I'm sorry, Stallone. I just don't feel like I love you.

Blake leaves.

STALLONE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, caring Yoga Instructor MRS. CHARLIE WEATHERS barges in, looking attractive as ever.

STALLONE:

Goodness, Charlie! Is everything okay?

CHARLIE:

I'm afraid not.

STALLONE:

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

CHARLIE:

It's ... a human ... I saw an evil human squish a bunch of Teenagers!

STALLONE:

Defenseless Teenagers?

CHARLIE:

Yes, defenseless Teenagers!

STALLONE:

Bloomin' heck, Charlie! We've got to do something.

CHARLIE:

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

STALLONE:

You can start by telling me where this happened.

CHARLIE:

I was...

CHARLIE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

STALLONE:

Focus Charlie, focus! Where did it happen?

CHARLIE:

Mall! That's right - Mall!

STALLONE springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

STALLONE rushes along the street, followed by CHARLIE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. MALL - SHORTLY AFTER

GEORGINA BARKER an odd human terrorises two Teenagers.

STALLONE, closely followed by CHARLIE, rushes towards GEORGINA, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

CHARLIE:

What is is? What's the matter?

STALLONE:

That's not just any old human, that's Georgina Barker!

CHARLIE:

Who's Georgina Barker?

STALLONE:

Who's Georgina Barker? Who's Georgina Barker? Only the most odd human in the universe!

CHARLIE:

Blinkin' knickers, Stallone! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most odd human in the universe!

STALLONE:

You can say that again.

CHARLIE:

Blinkin' knickers, Stallone! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most odd human in the universe!

STALLONE:

I'm going to need anything, lots of anything.

Georgina turns and sees Stallone and Charlie. He grins an evil grin.

GEORGINA:

Stallone Alone, we meet again.

CHARLIE:

You've met?

STALLONE:

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young STALLONE is sitting in a park listening to some Piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees GEORGINA. He takes off his headphones.

GEORGINA:

Would you like some jelly tots?

STALLONE's eyes light up, but then he studies GEORGINA more closely, and looks uneasy.

STALLONE:

I don't know, you look kind of odd.

GEORGINA:

Me? No. I'm not odd. I'm the least odd human in the world.

STALLONE:

Wait, you're a human?

STALLONE runs away, screaming.

EXT. MALL - PRESENT DAY

GEORGINA:

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

CHARLIE:

(To STALLONE) You ran away?

STALLONE:

(To CHARLIE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

STALLONE turns to GEORGINA.

STALLONE:

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

STALLONE runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

STALLONE:

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with anything.

GEORGINA:

I'm not scared of you.

STALLONE:

You should be.

INT. THE POUND - LATER THAT DAY

STALLONE and CHARLIE walk around searching for something.

STALLONE:

I feel sure I left my anything somewhere around here.

CHARLIE:

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly anything.

STALLONE:

You know nothing Charlie Weathers.

CHARLIE:

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, GEORGINA appears, holding a pair of anything.

GEORGINA:

Looking for something?

CHARLIE:

Crikey, Stallone, he's got your anything.

STALLONE:

Tell me something I don't already know!

CHARLIE:

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

STALLONE:

I know that already!

CHARLIE:

I dunno how to spell the word "ffiupjlghifben9t-".

GEORGINA:

(Appalled) Dude!

While GEORGINA is looking at CHARLIE with disgust, STALLONE lunges forward and grabs his deadly anything. He wields them, triumphantly.

STALLONE:

Prepare to die, you odd carrot!

GEORGINA:

No please! All I did was squish a bunch of Teenagers!

Blake enters, unseen by any of the others.

STALLONE:

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Teenagers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Stallone Alone defender of innocent Teenagers.

GEORGINA:

Don't hurt me! Please!

STALLONE:

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these anything on you right away!

GEORGINA:

Because Stallone, I am your father.

STALLONE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

STALLONE:

No you're not!

GEORGINA:

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

GEORGINA tries to grab the anything but STALLONE dodges out of the way.

STALLONE:

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, GEORGINA slumps to the ground.

CHARLIE:

Did he just faint?

STALLONE:

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly anything.

STALLONE crouches over GEORGINA's body.

CHARLIE:

Be careful, Stallone. It could be a trick.

STALLONE:

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Georgina Barker is dead!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes