Mystery Men script
Mystery Men (1999)
Synopsis: Champion City already has a superhero, the appropriately named Captain Amazing (Greg Kinnear), but that doesn't deter the city's seven quirky amateur crime-fighters, who use the Captain's capture at the hands of villain Casanova Frankenstein (Geoffrey Rush) as motivation to prove themselves. The only problem is that their strange powers -- silverware hurling, bowling, shovel skills, incompetent invisibility and deadly flatulence -- aren't doing them any favors.

FADE IN:

EXT. ERIE HOSPITAL FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE - DAY

CAMERA MOVES THROUGH a tangled jungle of razor wire, finally COMING

INTO VIEW of a foreboding, fortress-like old institution, surrounded by

towers and gun turrets. Screaming and horrible laughter is heard from

within...

CLOSE ON a sign that reads "Erie Hospital for the Criminally Insane"

... This is where the worst killers and psychos go.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

THE CAMERA PANS THE EXPRESSIONLESS FACES of the REVIEW BOARD as

CASANOVA FRANKENSTEIN sits across from them. Dressed in an

immaculately tailored prison smock (with "Casanova" exquisitely

embroidered above the pocket), he sits contritely as DOCTOR EMMET

BIERCE, the hospital's fatherly Chief of Psychiatry, presents his case.

BIERCE:

No one can deny the horrendous nature of Mr.

Frankenstein's crimes, but in the twenty years

he has been with us, I have never seen a

patient turn his energies to more productive

use.

CASANOVA, the picture of remorse and repentance.

BIERCE:

Just look at his accomplishments... three

volumes of poetry, two rock operas, a sculpture

garden, four romance novels... and who can

forget his touching portrayal of Billy Bigelow

in our all-psychotic production of

"Carousel"...

ON SEVERAL OF THE BOARD getting misty eyed at the memory of that

brilliant performance...

BIERCE:

Directed by our own Doctor Anabel Leek.

ON DOCTOR ANABEL LEEK, the hospital's icily beautiful, ultra cool, top

shrink.

A moment later Casanova addresses them... His manner is charming,

sincere, his voice soft, filled with emotion. He is a master of

seduction.

CASANOVA:

Twenty years ago I was a lost soul.

Loveless...

(with a son-like glance at Doctor Bierce)

Fatherless...

(chokes on the word)

A... psycho!

(breaks down sobbing)

Oh! How could I have done it? The murder...

the mayhem... all of those lovely young girls!

(weeping, a brilliant performance)

I'm sorry! I'm SO SO SORRY!

Doctor Bierce wipes the tears from his eyes. Reactions from the board,

moved, as Casanova weeps convulsively. Doctor Leek shows no reaction.

CASANOVA:

(pulls himself together)

But my deeds have been done, and my youth is

gone, and we can only go forward in this cruel

world... and if I have learned anything from my

wretched life it is that... When you walk

through a storm, keep your head held high...

(singing)

And don't be afraid of the dark...

Tears plop dawn the cheeks of the review board as the FULLY

ORCHESTRATED STRAINS OF "WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH A STORM" SWELL...

SERIES OF SHOTS - AS THE MUSIC CONTINUES

A hand stamps Casanova's file "CURED"... Casanova shakes hands and

embraces the tearful members of the review board, finishing with a

paternal hug from Doctor Bierce.

In his cell a guard delivers Casanova his favorite old disco suit

(that's been waiting far him for twenty years).

Casanova, dressed in the suit, walks down the central aisle of the

lock-up... A moment later he steps out of the massive gates of the

hospital, and takes his first deep breath of freedom... while in an

office window high above Bierce and the members of the review board

stand watching, very proud...

But suddenly THE MUSIC CHANGES TO SEVENTIES DISCO as a black Ferrari

drives up, and Doctor Leek, now dressed very sexily, gets out... As the

review board watches in stunned silence, Casanova and Anabel perform a

nifty little disco twirl, finishing with a very lewd kiss...

Bierce, watching, realizes he's been duped... as Casanova, grinning up

at him, puts a long gold chain (his favorite weapon) around his neck...

Bierce, horrified, picks up the telephone... as Casanova and Anabel get

in the car.

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Bob Burden

Bob Burden (Buffalo, New York, 1952 is an American comic book artist and writer, best known as the creator of Flaming Carrot Comics and the Mystery Men. more…

All Bob Burden scripts | Bob Burden Books

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