Men In Black

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[The opening titles, cast, and crew are shown as a small bug flies around the screen before being swallowed by a dragonfly, which then flies around a desert landscape, through and in-between various vehicles, eventually right into the windshield of a truck]

Truck Driver:
Goddamn bugs...

Illegal Aliens

[The camera shows the back of the van, where seven illegal immigrants wait. The driver squirts some wiper fluid onto the glass, which clears it up a bit, and then sees something worse up ahead. Headlights, eight of them, all pointed at him, sealing off the road.]

[He bites his lip and calls over his shoulder, to the back of the van.]

Driver:
Oh sh*t! Silencio! Deja me hablar. Oh crap!

[The van slows to a stop in front of the parked cars, all government-issue four doors with "INS" stenciled on the sides. Seven or eight INS agents stand in front of the cars imposingly. Their apparent leader steps forward and comes to the window. The driver rolls it down. Agent Janus, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, also government issue, looks at him and sighs.]

Agent Janus:
Well. Nick the Dick. What a surprise. Where you comin' from, Nick?

Nick:
Fishing in Cuernavaca.

Agent Janus:
Sure you were. What do you say we have a look at your catch, huh? [opens the door] Come on. [the Agents fling open the rear doors, revealing a dozen Mexicans, hopeful immigrants without official permission. Agent Janus looks at the Driver, who's now held by two other Agents, and shakes his head.]

Agent Janus:
Me, I woulda thrown 'em back. (to the passengers, in Spanish) Vamanos. Fuera. Hagan una lina! (Let's go. Out. Form a line!) [They pile out of the van.] What do you get, Nick? Hundred bucks a head? Two hundred? I hope you saved it all for your lawyer, my friend, 'cause you're gonna need it.

[Another car, a Ford, pulls up. Two men get out, dressed in plain black suits, crisp white shirts, simple black ties, shiny black shoes. Kay, fiftyish, is the apotheosis of world-weary; his partner, Dee, mid-sixties, is just weary. They approach the INS agents.]

Kay:
We'll take it from here.

Agent Janus:
Who the hell are you?

[Kay and Dee flash some form of ID.]

Kay:
INS Division 6.

Agent Janus:
Division 6? I never heard of Division 6.

Kay:
Really? [Kay and Dee move past him and approach the row of nervous immigrants.] Who you got your money on, Dee?

Dee:
Tough call, Kay.

[He walks down the row, studying the faces, greeting each one cheerily in subtitled Spanish.]

Kay:
!Oye! Que pasa, coma estas? Hey! (What's up, how are you?) Abuela, no se preocupe, . Bienvenida a los Estados Unidos. (Don't worry grandma. Welcome to the United States.) A donde vas? Nogales? Buscando trabajo, no? Tu, lo mismo? (Where are you going? Nogales? Looking for work? You too?) Y tu? Es un placer verle aqui. (And you? The same?) ['One by one, their faces relax, reassured by Kay's calm demeanor. When he reaches the fifth Guy, a man dressed in a cloak; he keeps the same cheery tone, but] Y tu? (And you?) Que dices si te rompo la cara? (What if I break your face?) [The Guy smiles and nods. Kay stops. His own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the Guy's shoulder.] Es muy feo, no? Y no hablas ni una palabra del Español! (You're very ugly, no? You don't speak a word of Spanish!) [Again, the Guy smiles and nods. Kay looks back at Dee.] We got a winner here, Dee. (to the others) El resto de ustedes pueden irse. (The rest of you can leave!)

Agent Janus:
No se mueven! (Don't move!)

Kay:
Sube al camión y vete. (Get in the truck and leave.)

Agent Janus:
Sir! Sir, you can't just --

Kay:
Don't "Sir" me, young man. You have no idea who you're dealing with. ¡Entra en el camión ahora mismo! (Get in the truck right now!) [the cloaked man tries to leave as well, but Kay stops him] We're gonna have a little chat with our friend here. You fellas can hit the road ... and keep on protecting us from dangerous aliens.

[Kay and Dee escort their captive across the road and over a small rise, leaving the stunned INS agents standing alone in the roadway.]

Agent Janus:
You ever heard of Division 6?

2nd INS Agent:
There is no Division 6. This is bullshit.

Agent Janus:
Hell, yeah.

Kay:
[he and Dee lead their unknown traveler into a field] Looks like you fell off the bus in the wrong part of town, amigo. In fact, I'll bet dollars to pesos that you're not from anywhere near here. [He pulls out a knife, and cuts the man's poncho. The man's clothes fall to the ground, revealing what he really is underneath -- an amphibian/reptile with two independent eyes and he also appeared to have a shell on his back, which had six small arms and hands. The only part of his camouflage not crumpled to the ground is the humanesque "head," which he still lamely holds in one of his hands. It's propped up by a stick, like a puppet, and it continues to make expressions as he holds it.] Mikey?! [Mikey replies -- an unfathomable combination of grunts, squeaks, and saliva.] Mikey, when did they let you out of jail? [Mikey replies.] Political refugee. Right.

Dee:
You know how many treaties articles you've just violated?

[Mikey grunts in response.]

Kay:
One?

Dee:
Try seven.

[Mikey continues to talk.]

Kay:
That's enough, Mikey. Hand me that head. [Mikey delivers the head prop.] Put up your arms and all your flippers. [As Mike continues to talk, Janus is climbing a hill behind them. He lets out a horrified gasp. One of the alien's eyes, on a tall stalk, whips around. All three of them see Agent Janus, standing just over the rise, staring in frozen amazement. As the eye returns to place...] Ah, sh*t. [Mikey gets mad and changes into an angry stance, with all his flippers shaking, and gets very mad. He knocks Dee out of the way, and takes off straight at Janus, roaring, snarling, and growling as Janus screams.] Dee! Shoot him! [Dee struggles to roll over and change the controls on his gun, which fell out of his hand as he hit the ground.] Dee! [Frustrated, Kay drops the head, puts his hand inside his jacket, and pulls out his own gun. Mikey keeps moving, covering the last few yards to Janus quickly. Kay points his gun directly at Mikey, who leaps straight at Janus; just before reaching the frightened agent, he disintegrates into blue goo that splatters all over the ground, the trees, and Agent Janus' face. Behind where Mikey was, Kay stands, smoking weapon in hand, and sighs.]

Agent Janus:
[shaken by what just happened, he stammers as he approaches Kay] Th -- th -- th --

Kay:
"That."

Agent Janus:
That wa -- wa -- wa --

Kay:
Was not human, I know. Oops. Looks like you got some entrails on you there, pal.

[The other INS come over the hill.]

INS Agent:
What the hell?! [they brandish their guns and run down to the scene]

Kay:
The situation's under control. Calm down please. Give me your attention for a moment. I'll be glad to tell you what happened. [On the other side of the hill, a black truck pulls up, and several other men dressed in black suits exit the vehicle. Kay reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tubular metallic device the size of a pocket recorder.] This is called a "neuralyzer." It's a gift from some friends from out of town. The red eye here will isolate the electronic impulses in your brain. More specifically, the ones for memory. [Behind him, the other men come over the hill. Kay barks a few orders to them.] That's good, fellas, give me a splay burn around the perimeter with holes on the perimeter, please; holes at 40, 60, and 80 meters. Right here! [The men use flamethrowers to incinerate Mikey's remains throughout the hilltop. The Men in Black are now using fire extinguishers to douse the flames they themselves started.] That's good. Thank you!

2nd INS Agent:
What the hell is going on?

[Kay moves the dials on the Neuralyzer's back.]

Kay:
Excellent question, and the answer you're looking for lies right here. [points at the red light]

Janus:
Who are you, really?

Kay:
Really? [puts on sunglasses] I'm just a figment of your imagination. [He holds up the neuralyzer. The Agents peer closely at it. Kay pushes a button on the side of the neuralyzer. A blinding flash a tenth of a second long sears the Agents' eyeballs. They stare blankly.] Damn, what a gullible breed. [Kay looks back at the INS Agents, who are just coming around, as if awakening from a concussion.] I'm serious, fellas, you are lucky to be alive after a blast like that. [The Agents look around, confused.]

Agent Janus:
What blast?

Kay:
Underground gas vein, genius. You guys need to exercise more caution before discharging your firearms. I’ll tell you that right now.[He jabs a finger into Janus' chest] Especially you. Have yourselves checked out with EMS on the other side of the hill before you leave. [the agents turn and walk away]

[Dee has moved away from them all and is sitting on a rock, staring up at the night sky, his sunglasses dangling idly from one hand. Kay steps away from the group and finds him. He sits down next to him.]

Dee:
I'm sorry. About...back there.

Kay:
Happens.

Dee:
Didn't used to. [he holds up his hands, which tremble with age] The spirit's willing, Kay, but the rest of me...[he looks up, at the million stars shining overhead] They're beautiful, aren't they?

Kay:
What?

Dee:
The stars. We never just look anymore.

Kay:
No.

Dee:
I'll tell ya, Kay. I will miss the chase.

[Kay puts on the sunglasses, pulls his neuralyzer from his pocket and looks down at it as he turns it towards Dee.]

Kay:
No, Dee. You won't.

James Edwards

[Elsewhere, an NYPD officer by the name of James Edwards, and two other police officers are running along a bridge]

Edwards:
Freeze! N.Y.P.D., freeze! [he is chasing after an unknown man, known as the Perp; behind him, the other two cops, out of breath, stop, unable to continue chasing after the Perp]

Cop:
All yours, Edwards!

Edwards:
Freeze means stop! Yo! Whoa! [the Perp climbs on the guard rail; just as Edwards is about to reach him, he jumps down onto the street below, much to Edwards' shock] What the hell? [looks down to see the Perp running away; he glances the other way to see a double decker bus going under the bridge on the other side, and plans his move carefully as he climbs onto the guard rail] All right. Ah, come on! [he jumps of the bridge, landing right on the upper level of the bus; the passengers react with shock upon seeing him land in between them] It just be raining black people in New York. [he runs down to the lower level and off the bus; as he runs in the direction the bus is going, he immediately remembers the Perp went the other way, and runs right for a New York Times truck and grabs onto the back; the Perp is running along the street; Edwards continues riding on the truck until he sees the Perp; he immediately jumps off and charges at him, bumping him into a wall, where he grabs him] Do you see this? N.Y.P.D.! It means I will knock your punk-ass down!

Perp:
He's coming! He's coming!

Edwards:
Yeah, and when he gets here, I'll arrest his ass too. [the Perp pulls a peculiar-looking high-tech gun, which Edwards knocks to the ground, where it disintegrates] Oh, you're trying to catch a beat-down, huh?! [tries to push the Perp against the wall, but he flips in midair and flees from Edwards again towards a massive building, the Guggenheim Museum, across the street; Edwards chases after him, gun drawn; much to his surprise, the Perp leaps high into the air onto one of the upper floors; he watches as the Perp climbs to another floor; as the Perp climbs up onto the building, Edwards runs to the building's main entrance; unfortunately, the door is locked, forcing Edwards to use his gun to open it by shattering the glass; entering the building, he runs as fast as he can from floor to floor, while the Perp is trying to find a way out; the first two doors are locked; he then discovers a third door, which is open; opening the door, he comes face-to-face with Edwards again] What's up?

Perp:
He's coming. He's coming because I failed, and now he'll kill me, too.

Edwards:
Yeah, well. You're just pissing everybody off today, huh?

Perp:
[smiling devilishly] You don't understand. Your world's gonna end. [his eyes suddenly blink horizontally]

Edwards:
[realizing the man is not human] What the hell are you? [the Perp smiles while walking backwards towards the edge] Hey. Watch that ledge. Watch the ledge! [the Perp backs up onto the edge] Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. [the Perp stretches his arms out] Look, wait a minute. Let me talk to you! Hey! Hey! [the Perp falls backwards off the edge, screaming, to the ground; Edwards runs to the edge and looks down as the Perp's body hits the ground]

Edgar

[At a farm in upstate New York, a Green Chevy truck sits next to a tree, near a grazing cow, yards away from a house. Inside the house, the farmer, Edgar, is sitting down to dinner; a small mysterious object moves through the starry sky above]

Edgar:
[ranting at his wife, Beatrice] I go out, I work my butt off to make a living. All I want is to come home to a nice, clean house, with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. [the object on the sky moves closer, getting bigger] It looks like poison. [Beatrice is about to take the plate away] Don't you take that away. I'm eating that! Damn it! It is poison, isn't it? I swear to god, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much or ain't been hit enough. I can't make up my mind! [The object in the sky turns into what looks like a fireball, the cow slowly walks out of the way] You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck. [The fiery object slams right into Edgar's Chevy, breaking it in half and leaving a crater in the ground; Edgar promptly goes to the front door, armed with a rifle, opens it and looks at the burning remains of his truck.] Figures. [He walks toward the crater left by the unknown object that crashed into his truck; Beatrice slowly opens the front door and stands in the doorway]

Beatrice:
What the heck is it, Edgar?

Edgar:
[turns around to face Beatrice and points at her] Get your big butt back in the house. [Disgusted, she walks back inside and closes the door; Edgar turns back towards the crater and approaches it once more. As he reaches the edge of the crater, an ominous, inhuman voice speaks to him]

Inhuman Voice:
Place projectile weapon on the ground.

Edgar:
You can have my gun... [loads his rifle] when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.

Inhuman Voice:
Your proposal is acceptable.

[A long arm reaches out, grabs Edgar by the head and pulls him into the crater; the dark shape of what looks like a massive, insect-like monster is seen. The sounds of ripping flesh and Edgar screaming are heard; Edgar's body is thrown out, then pulled back in as hissing and slurping sounds are heard. Seconds later, Edgar climbs out of the pit, turns his head side to side, and walks to his house. Inside, Beatrice is sitting silently at the table when she hears his footsteps; Edgar fumbles with the door before finding the handle and opening the door, then walking inside.]

Beatrice:
[standing up as Edgar approaches her] Edgar, what on earth was that?

Edgar:
Sugar.

Beatrice:
I've never seen sugar do that.

Edgar:
[approaches her and speaks more firmly] Give me sugar. [She picks up a bowl of sugar and holds it out to him] In water. [She picks up a glass of water on the table and spoons some sugar into it before offering it to him] More. [She pours sugar from the bowl into the glass] More. [She pours a bigger amount into the glass; Edgar grunts, clearly saying "More than that."; she pours a huge amount into the glass before setting the bowl back on the table. Edgar takes the glass and drinks the sugar-filled water.]

Beatrice:
Edgar, your skin is hanging off your bones. [She looks at a mirror to her right; Edgar looks in the mirror as well and sees that she's right]

Edgar:
Oh, yeah. [He faces her again, then grabs the top of head and pulls his skin up] There. Is that better? [Horrified, Beatrice falls backwards to the floor and faints; Edgar then walks out of the house. Outside, the cow watches as Edgar rolls the object that crashed into his truck out of the crater; the object turns out to be an alien spaceship]

Kay Takes Over

[In an Interrogation room, Edwards sits on one side of the table, a police inspector and a uniformed sergeant (the one who gave up the chase earlier), sit across from him.]

Inspector:
Perpetrator then blinked two sets of eyelids. You mean blinked with both eyes?

Edwards:
No, sir. He blinked once with one set, then again with another completely different set.

Sergeant:
You mean like high beams and low beams.

Inspector:
Was that before or after he drew the weapon which you claim evaporated into a million pieces?

Edwards:
After, sir.

Inspector:
And why do you suppose none of the other officers saw either of these two events?

Edwards:
'Cause some of the other officers are a little soggy in the midsection. And they couldn't keep up, sir.

Sergeant:
Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am --

Edwards:
What do you mean? I am half the man you are.

Sergeant:
What the hell is your problem?

Edwards:
My problem is you being all up in my damn face all the time.

Sergeant:
I think he threw him off the roof.

Edwards:
Maybe you're next.

Inspector:
[cutting off the Sergeant] Sergeant. I want to talk to you outside. Now.

Sergeant:
Ten minutes -- take your best shot.

Edwards:
Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard.

[A woman sneaks into the room. Doctor Laurel Weaver, thirtyish, dark-haired, dark-eyed, general aura of darkness around her, stands above him. Laurel looks like she was just dragged out of bed (which she was) and saw a spaceman (which she did). She looks over her shoulder once, then whispers to him.]

Laurel:
I believe you. [extends her hand, Edwards shakes it] Laurel Weaver. Deputy Medical Examiner. Find me at the morgue on 26th. I'll tell you what I found.

Edwards:
Hey...Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[He turns around, but she's already in the corridor behind the room, but comes face-to-face with Agent K, who remains in shadow.]

Kay:
You're Dr. Weaver, from the coroner's office? Working on the John Doe?

Laurel:
Yes. That's right.

Kay:
Would you look right here, please.

[A red flash hits Laurel, who keeps still on the hallway. Then K steps into the room and closes the door behind him before going over to the security camera and unplugging it.]

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