Little Nicky Page #5

DAN:

This is bullshit, man.

(gets up to leave)

I'm gonna win the Superbowl this year,

with or without you!

DAD:

Now you're talking.

Dan exits.

NICKY:

You're a good devil, Dad.

DAD:

And I also happen to be a Jets fan.

Nicky and Dad share a laugh which is interrupted by faint

sirens. The Gatekeeper enters in a hurry and falls to his

knees.

GATEKEEPER:

Your highness, Cassius and Adrian have

escaped from hell. They went through

the fire, and they broke it. I think

they took the New York tunnel. I tried

to stop them, but they overpowered me,

sir.

DAD:

Oh, boy. Oh boy. Calm down. Get off

your knees.

The Gatekeeper stands up.

GATEKEEPER:

Thanks for being so understanding, your

worship. You're the man. You've always

been the man.

Dad's EYES GLOW RED as the Gatekeeper stands up. Two huge

b*obs grow out of either side of the Gatekeeper's head. We

only see them from the front for a second.

From behind the gatekeeper, we see the b*obs but not the

nipples as he talks to Nicky.

GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)

(to Nicky)

I'm lucky to get away with just the head

b*obs, right?

NICKY:

Coulda been much worse.

GATEKEEPER:

That's what I'm thinkin'...

Dad is staring off. He looks shaken.

DAD:

This is bad, Nicky.

NICKY:

How bad?

DAD:

I'm gonna die, Nicky. If the gates are

broken, no new souls can get in, which

means I'll start to deteriorate into

nothing.

GRANDPA LUCIFER enters.

LUCIFER:

What's with all the whoo-whoo noises?

DAD:

Everything's fine, pop.

LUCIFER:

Last time you said that the renaissance

happened.

DAD:

Please, pop, just go back to your room.

LUCIFER:

(regarding gateskeeper)

Can I take him with me and have sex with

his head?

DAD:

Sure, pop. Whatever you want.

The gatekeeper walks towards Lucifer.

GATEKEEPER:

Oh, this is gonna be a whole new

lifestyle for me, isn't it.

EXT. GATES OF HELL - SHORTLY AFTER

We see the coals are cooling down on the road and the DAMNED

SOULS in hell are sneaking off.

The DEMONS are baffled and don't quite know what to do.

Dad, Jimmy and Nicky walk to the frozen fire.

DAMNED SOULS (O.S.)

What's going on? Where are we?

We keep HEARING people hit behind the frozen fire with loud

thuds.

JIMMY THE DEMON:

Nothing's getting through that. The

fire is solid as a rock.

NICKY:

We gotta get this bad boy burning again.

Ideas?

DAD:

To do that Cassius and Adrian have to

come back through the other way.

NICKY:

So go get 'em, Dad!

DAD:

I'm too weak. The process has already

begun.

Dad holds up his hand. His pink is hanging by a thread. We

see the bigfoot MONSTER grunt disgusted by the sight.

NICKY:

So go get 'em, Jimmy!

JIMMY THE DEMON:

I'm just a demon, Nicky. I don't got

devil blood in me. I'd last two minutes

up there with your brothers.

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