Gilbert

---

1

(upbeat percussion music)

(applauding and cheering)

- Okay.

Our next guest is a

strange and funny comedian

and he certainly is strange

and also very funny.

(audience laughs)

- [Regis] I went to see

your favorite comedian

in the world last night.

- Of course you went to see--

- [Both] Gilbert Gottfried.

- Yes, has anybody seen Gilbert?

(audience laughs)

- He's been doing

standup since the 1970s

and was named the Comedian's

Comedian by Vanity Fair.

- [Man] Have you heard

that before about him

being called the comic's comic?

- He is, he is.

He's in a completely

different level

than everybody else

doing comedy. I think.

- [Arsenio] Hey, you gonna

be nice tonight, man?

'Cause I'm not gonna book

you no more if you're not.

- I'm sorry, I can't.

(audience cheers)

I'm sorry, I'll go back.

Pretend you didn't see me.

- Okay.

- When he introduces,

pretend this never happened.

- Now go back.

- And film it.

- Go back there!

- What is your dream?

- My dream,

it usually involves a midget.

- Not that dream.

- Yes.

- The one when you're awake

and you think of your career.

- Okay, all right.

Then it's five midgets.

(audience laughs)

- If the Catskills were

located in the Twilight Zone,

Gilbert Gottfried would

appear there nightly.

- [Man] Jackie

Gleason in Casablanca.

- You're getting on that

plane with Vic Laszlo

and I know that you

know that I know

that you're getting

on that plane.

- Gottfried is a standup

comic who has appeared

in a number of films

and he always seems to

play an obnoxious creep.

- No no no!

B*tch!

- But my dad says

third grade is--

- Your dad is a moron!

- Look at this, I'm so

ticked off that I'm molting.

- You are singlehandedly

responsible

for creating the

position of full-time

censor of the Emmys.

- I sleep a lot better

since Peewee Herman's

been arrested.

(laughing)

Masturbation's a crime,

I should be on death row.

(laughing)

- [Host] Remember

this is a family show.

- Yes, I know, that's the

first thing you told me.

- Yeah yeah.

- That's the first

thing everyone tells me.

All of a sudden she goes please,

honey, f*** me in the ass!

(gun fires)

This is a clean one.

(laughing)

- Now Gilbert.

- Yes?

- [Regis] Not much is known

about your personal life.

- And thank God for it.

(laughing)

- Gilbert!

- Yes!

- What were you like as a kid?

- What?

I was the same

way, just smaller.

(laughing)

- You don't wanna talk

about your love life huh?

- What, what, as soon as

it happens I'll tell you

all about it.

(laughing)

- [Man] Do you actually

talk like that?

- Aflac!

- No, I usually have

a strong Irish brogue.

You are a black

man, are you not?

- Yeah.

- How do you know

you're at a gay picnic?

All the hot dogs

taste like sh*t.

(laughing)

- I think this is an act.

'Cause if you are genuine,

you are a monster.

(laughing)

He is.

- [Howard] I heard something

about Gilbert Gottfried.

- [Man] Really?

- [Howard] Holy mackerel.

- [Woman] What'd you hear?

- [Howard] Bring Gilbert

in, I gotta talk to him.

- [Gilbert] Oi.

- Is it true what I've heard?

- [Woman] Are you married?

- [Howard] No, he's engaged.

- Oh, what?

- [Howard] Look at

the pain in Gilbert.

- [Woman] Look at the

face, look at the face!

- But here's the bigger news.

- What?

- And tell me if

it's true or not.

Are you having a baby?

- No no I'm just haven't

been working out.

(laughing)

- [Howard] How did this happen?

- I don't know.

Boy this will take

more than a radio show,

this'll take therapy.

- Gilbert you're really

trying to keep your whole

private life, like you

don't even want people

to know it exists, is that--

- Yes, yes.

- You still like to pretend--

- Yes, yeah.

- You're that guy we've known

all along who has no one.

- Yeah.

- This really breaks

your whole persona

because you're the

guy who doesn't care--

- Yeah.

- [Howard] And now all

of a sudden you do.

- Yeah this is horrible.

- So is that it, you're

not gonna tell us

any of the story of how

this all came to be?

(playful music)

- Oh man.

If the 25 year old

Gilbert or even the, God,

any of the other Gilberts

if they walked in here

would definitely be in

the wrong apartment.

- Gilbert is very

authentic on stage,

but he's a very sweet,

rather shy person off stage.

So there's a natural

curiosity what prompts that.

- He's quirky and

he's different.

Every character flaw

that doesn't work in life

works as a comedian.

- Does he talk like that?

If it's just the two

of us and we're talking

and he gets ahold of

something that's really funny

yeah, he does talk like that.

Is he in character

for all of that?

No, but he's very, very

hesitant to let down the guard.

- I think there's

always a little surprise

that he became a dad.

(laughs)

And became a husband.

I think no one was more

surprised than him.

- I had no idea, when I

heard that there was a Dara,

I was actually curious what

this person would look like.

- I was afraid to meet her

because I said it's gonna be

the most emotionally

damaged, I couldn't,

like a girl, I pictured

a girl who was a deaf mute

who would never look up.

(gentle music)

- I'm glad you got dressed up.

- [Gilbert] Yes.

No one told me to

get dressed up.

- Do you have shorts

on underneath?

- Yes.

I still feel very uncomfortable

going, you know, my wife.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes