Christmas Eve

---

Well, that

was your first mistake.

You see, department

stores are designed

on the premise that

people naturally travel

in a clockwise direction.

Go counterclockwise and

you'll spend less money.

Huh, maybe.

Hmm.

Whoo-hoo, I got a trophy.

I'm James.

Oh, right, James, come in,

sit down over there.

James Harris?

Yes.

I want a signed contract,

not tickets to hear somebody

cry in Italian for three hours.

Get Steven on the phone.

Steven's in, um, London, sir.

It's Christmas Eve there.

Did I bloody ask

you what time it was in London?

Now, what if,

instead of paying for things

with money, you could

tell the cashier a story

that you've never

told anyone before

and the crazier it was, the

more stuff you could buy?

Would the story have to be true?

100% or else you get tased.

No wait, if the tumor's there,

we take it, right?

That's why we operate.

You saw her heart, the

damage was already done.

If I'd have seen it on the MRI,

I would have never

opened her up.

And you're okay with that?

Whoa, ho, hold up!

That there,

what's the problem

with you people?

Don't you know what

a penthouse is?

I do not want a pillar

obstructing my view!

I'm afraid that's

just not possible, sir.

I mean, we could do it

but we'd have to change

the five floors underneath.

Well, it just so happens

that I own those five floors

and all the bloody

floors beneath them.

I have Steven on the

phone for you, sir.

Yeah, Steven?

Do to unforeseen

financial constraints

placed upon pavlick energy

a reorganization's

become necessary,

which results in the

termination of James Harris.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm getting fired?

No, laid off.

But it's Christmas Eve.

Hey, Turk, what's up, buddy?

What?

Six to eight weeks?

Oh my god! What am I gonna

do for a running back?

We're gonna be late!

We're always late remember?

All aboard who's coming aboard.

Hurry guys, hurry up!

Just chill,

guys, it's Christmas.

Come on, dawn!

Okay, look at this, good

thing we're all friends here.

What about Jacob?

There's no

way he'd fit in, just go.

Oh, come on, Jacob.

He'd better hurry.

Sorry boys, got a transport.

Oh well, well, it's Dr. Roberts.

Nurse ratchet.

Wait a minute,

isn't that the same...

don't worry, she'll be out

cold for another two hours,

then some poor nurse will

have to break her the news

because you'll be long gone.

Yeah, she's supposed

to be out in 30 minutes.

I should be there in 26,

assuming the subway's on time

and the crosswalk signals are

still set for commuter flow.

I don't want

to hear that right now.

Listen, it's Christmas

Eve, we'll do it

after the new year, okay?

We'll have lunch, then

we'll let the new guys

introduce themselves

and I'll cover the comp.

Hey, quick question,

I'm down a running back,

who do you take, Moreno...

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Um, sir, I just

thought I'd remind you,

it's your son's birthday.

And it's Christmas,

should I send him a gift

in your name, maybe?

Reading my mind already?

What was that?

Sh*t!

What the hell?

- That's not good.

- - That's not good

at all.

Am I blind?

Anyone got any ideas?

I always knew I would

die in an elevator.

I want you to scatter my

ashes over our apartment.

On the roof or like

on the floors and stuff?

Maybe just in the fish tank,

like a little each day.

Just like, you

know, a doo-doo-doo.

Did you know your fingernails

grow for like a year

after you're dead?

Actually, that's a myth.

As the body decomposes,

the skin recedes,

making it appear as if

the nails are growing,

but they're not.

Was that the brainiac

or the clean freak?

I think it was the brainiac.

The proper term for clean freak

is obsessive compulsive.

Used primarily as an adjective,

but sometimes as a noun.

So I wash my hands a lot.

You should thank me.

This is getting freaky.

Stu, hey, dude,

it's me.

Yeah, what's going

on out there, man?

You're kidding me.

The whole city?

What are you telling me?

Zombies, I knew it would

always end up like this.

You getting your face

ripped off by bikers

and me stuck in an

elevator with, hold please,

what's your name?

Dimples?

You said dimples to me?

Interesting.

Dimples and I'm stuck with her.

And it would appear that

we may just be the last man

and woman on earth soon.

Great power does come

with great responsibility.

You know what, Stu?

This doesn't make

any sense, man.

You know why, because I

don't get cell reception

in elevators, which

means this conversation

isn't happening.

Which means, texting

probably doesn't work either.

Hmm.

Hi.

Do you know how long it's been?

Since I fell in love?

Since the elevator

stopped moving?

10 minutes maybe?

You live in 38?

41?

Hey, do you live in 42?

Hey, you live in 43?

Yes, I live in 43.

I thought that snake

charmer lived in 43.

No, he's in 53,

next to the clogger.

The clogger, that's right.

So how long you lived here?

Four years. You?

I don't live here.

I pop in, I make a

difference, I pop out.

But I'm not afraid

of commitment either.

You know what I heard?

I heard that if you

make it to five years,

this building does something

super dope for you.

They turn your hot water

on for an entire day.

So, I should probably swing

by and use your shower.

You know?

Are you all right in there?

Cover your eyes!

Okay.

Whoa!

Everyone get back.

Sir, your Van's

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes