Adventures of Eddie 7 Derwood. Piolt-- The Urn Page #2

CONTINUED:
(4)

COP:

I couldn’t be bothered. I don’t

want to spend the rest of my shift involved with you two morons. Stay outta the lady’s room and do your beer drinking inside somewhere.

Eddie gives a nod and an insincere smile.

EDDIE:

Sure, officer. No problem.

The cop starts to walk away toward Ocean Boulevard.

Eddie, loud enough so Derwood, but not so the cop, can hear.

EDDIE:

Whatever you say, Barney Fife. Now

get the f*** outta here. Derwood chuckles.

DERWOOD:

Boy, Eddie, that was brave. Why

didn’t you wait till he was home for supper to say it? Now you gonna finish tell’n me about your brilliant new scam?

Eddie rises up on the bench.

EDDIE:

Like I was tellin’ you before we

was so rudely interrupted, we’re gonna snatch some guy’s ashes and hold them for a ransom from his wife. A Big ransom!

DERWOOD ( SHAKES HIS HEAD I don’t know, Eddie. That’s

pretty low...even for you.

EDDIE (LOOKS AT DERWOOD AND

SCOWLS)

Whattya mean, low even for me?

Ain’t nothing low about it. Business is all it is.

DERWOOD:

But stealin’ an old lady’s dead

husband’s ashes? (MORE)

6.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
(5)

DERWOOD (CONT'D) Jeez, we could get jinxed doin’ somethin’ like that. And we got

enough bad luck as it is.

EDDIE:

Don’t be so negative, Dumwood.

This is easy dough.

DERWOOD ( SHAKES HIS HEAD

DOUBTFULLY))

I told you not to call me that,

Eddie...you know I don’t like it.

They go thru their routine again.Derwood grabs Eddie in a headlock and with his free hand gives Eddie another hard knuckle noogie on his head.

EDDIE (LOUDLY) Can’t ya take a joke?

DERWOOD:

Not from you, Eddie. Nothin you do

is funny to me.Especially When I usually end up doin’ time because of it.

Eddie pushes Derwood’s hand from his head.

EDDIE:

Now stop f***in’ around and let me

tell ya more about this idea of mine. It’s pure genius. I’m tellin’ ya, Dum...ahh, ahhh...Derwood, this is gonna be easy money. I was at the High Tide having a beer and this plumber got talkin’ about an old hag he did work for.

DERWOOD:

I thought you was banned from the

Tide for boltin’ on a check? EDDIE (TURNING RED)

That was a misunderstanding. Besides, the owner is on vacation or something, so she wasn’t there.

DERWOOD:

Ya, okay, Eddie. So what’d the

plumber tell you, or did he just show you his plumber’s crack?

(CONTINUED)

7.

CONTINUED:
(6)

EDDIE:

Very funny. This is serious sh*t.

The lady is a little demented or somethin’ and she keeps her husband’s ashes in an expensive urn on the mantlepiece and treats it like a little shrine.

DERWOOD What’s an urn, Eddie?

Eddie shakes his head in disbelief.

EDDIE:

I just told ya! That’s a thing

they keep dead people’s ashes in. And this urn is real fancy and probably worth dough even without the ashes. So...we can’t lose. Even if the old hag is glad to be rid of her husband and won’t pay to get him back, we can still pawn the freakin’ urn. A win-win.

DERWOOD:

I don’t know, Eddie. Screwin’

around with dead people I don’t like it.

EDDIE:

Well, how would you like sleepin’

on the beach? If we don’t get some rent money soon, that’s where we’ll be.

DERWOOD:

I wouldn’t like that, Eddie. It’s cold down there, but at least I wouldn’t have to smell your farts like I do now in our little bedroom. They’re disgustin’ and burn my nose.

EDDIE:

I’m tellin’ ya, this will be an

easy score. Have I ever steered you wrong?

8.

(CONTINUED)

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