The Wedding Story Page #2

BRIDE:
How old’s that make him?

STORYTELLER:
27. Why, how old is he really?

GROOM:
I’m the one that’s 24.

STORYTELLER:
Isn’t that a little young to be getting married?

BRIDE:
How come 24’s okay for me but not for him?

STORYTELLER:
You’re the woman. You’re supposed to be younger.

BRIDE:
Jesus.

STORYTELLER:
Now, before I was interrupted for the umpteenth time, boys and girls, I was saying that after the reception, the 24-year-old bride was whisked away in a horse-drawn carriage by her 27-year-old Prince Charming.

BRIDE:
Whisked away where?

STORYTELLER:
I don’t know. To... the... airport.

BRIDE:
Which one?

STORYTELLER:
The Airport of... Vermont .

BRIDE:
There’s one in Burlington and one in Montpelier .

GROOM:
How did you know that?

BRIDE:
I majored in geography.

GROOM:
You did?

BRIDE:
(to STORYTELLER) So Mr. Fancy Pants, which one was it?

STORYTELLER:
The one where you caught your flight to Hawaii for your honeymoon.

BRIDE:
This whole fairy tale is completely out of hand. Anyone knows there’s no flights from Vermont to Hawaii . You have to fly through Logan or LAX. Or both. And anyway, I highly doubt they’d let the horses in the terminal.

STORYTELLER:
Oh, for God’s sake, what’s the big deal in telling the children a nice little story?

BRIDE:
No one’s life turns out like that. How many of those kids will live up to your version of the story? None! They can’t, it’s too much pressure. It’s like why Catholic women are all messed up, you can’t be a virgin AND be a mother. And Brad, I probably shouldn’t have married you to begin with.

GROOM:
Shayna, how can you say that?

BRIDE:
You’re probably gay.

GROOM:
What?

BRIDE:
Oh c’mon, how many straight male floral designers do you know?

GROOM:
That’s what you thought I needed to be honest about?

BRIDE:
You didn’t even know I majored in Geography! Listen, if we’re talking averages here, most people don’t get married in Vermont . They get married in their one-horse hometowns that have WalMarts and bad zoning.

STORYTELLER:
What’s wrong with that?

BRIDE:
NOTHING. THAT’S MY POINT. MOST people do get married in their hometowns. MOST people cheat on their spouses or end up in counseling or sell everything they own to get into a lousy nursing home. Put that in your fairy tale and smoke it.

STORYTELLER:
No one’s smoking anything. There are children present.

BRIDE:
And God forbid we tell them what life is really like.

GROOM:
She’s got a point there. You’re opening yourself up for multiple class-action suits, Mister.

STORYTELLER:
Fine. I’ve had it. You want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, the whole enchilada, the proverbial hook, line, and sinker? Well far be it from me to give these little souls something to which to aspire.

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