A Merry Friggin' Christmas
1
Santa?
Holy crap, Boyd. What the hell
you doing back there, buddy?
Waiting on Santa Claus?
Aren't you getting a little
old for Santa Claus?
I'm five.
It's all a sham, Boyd.
I'm the only Santa
you're ever gonna know.
If you know the truth,
it's easy to get through it all.
In fact, let's see
what he brought you.
Meet my father, Mitch Mitchler.
All we need is a couple
of Chinese workers.
He was a little bit complicated.
Maybe I was destined to become
an overcompensator as a dad,
Christmas being the most
obvious manifestation of that.
Alright, here we go.
Okay, lean in, everyone.
I'm also a realist. I can't
control everything...
- the weather, for instance.
- Look Dad, it's snowing!
- Well, Bug, that's actually fake snow.
The warmest winter on record in the
Midwest assured a non-white Christmas.
was the Santa conundrum.
Vera was very much on
the fence, Santa-wise.
Dad, why are there two Santas?
But for how much longer?
That guy's not Santa, Bug.
and burnt hair because
he's a welfare person.
- Vera!
- Santa's not real anyway.
Santa's not real, Dad?
Of course Santa's real.
No one's not real.
Everyone's real, including Santa.
Vera, a word please.
Whatever you think you know,
Vera, you don't.
Most kids in my class don't
believe in Santa anymore.
But Madison and me...
I mean Madison and I,
except that Madison's sister,
the one who did the BJ to this kid...
Vera, you don't actually
know what the B...
- what that expression means, do you?
- It stands for butt jam,
and I think it has to do with jamming
stuff up your butt for money,
but anyway, Madison's sister,
she showed us this website, nosanta.org.
Well, Madison's sister is a
deceitful little strumpet.
What Dad means is that it's okay for you
to decide about Santa, but Douglas...
He absolutely believes.
And we won't want to do anything
to spoil Christmas for him, right?
Oh, right, I won't spoil
it for Bug, Dad. Sorry.
Thank you.
You are a very kind and
generous young man.
And you are going to have a very
merry and special Christmas.
Oh ho ho ho!
Hey, you wanna...
I wasn't gonna ask if you wanna
smoke meth or kill a drifter.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
I just... I'm exhausted.
I'm with you. I just
thought I should ask.
One day we're gonna have to, right?
slow descent into celibacy.
How many years do
you think Bug has left
where he walks into the living
room Christmas morning,
he sees the tree,
and presents, his stomach just drops,
because holy crap, Santa came?
that kind of belief in magic?
Yeah, it's really cool.
Do you think you're overcompensating
- on the Christmas thing, just a tad?
- Overcompens... on the Christmas thing?
No! I don't think that at all.
He's six years old.
- Okay, this is your brother, again.
- Pass.
You can't keep pretending
your family doesn't exist.
I'm pretty sure I can.
Come on babe, take the call,
before it wakes the kids up.
Hi, Nelson.
- Whoa, that is spooky.
- How'd you know it was me?
We have caller ID,
Just right there on the phone?
Boy, that is something.
I gotta look into that.
- You know, that's a miracle of science.
- Yeah, you bet.
Hold on one sec, Boyd.
Sorry to call you so late by the way.
Is it night time where you are, too?
No, it's 10 here too,
because Chicago and Wisconsin-
What is in the same time zone!
Yeah, we're in the same time zone.
I don't know if you caught that,
I said it like Jeopardy.
So what do you need?
Oh, oh, right. So anyway,
I'm calling to tell you:
I scored myself a kid, a little boy.
- I'm a dad.
- Really?
- He seems to have procreated.
- Eeww.
I was calling to say,
- I want you to be the godfather.
- Really? We would be honoured.
That is just the best, Boyd.
Jeez, that is so...
the baptism's on the 24th.
Oh, absolutely. We wouldn't
miss it for the world.
- Sweet.
- January or February?
No Boyd, December. December 24th.
Oh, you can't wait for it.
December? What?
Nelson, you can't have a
baptism on Christmas Eve.
It doesn't...
Wait that would mean
that I'd have to spend
Christmas with Dad.
I'll smoke in my Goddamn
house if I want to.
It's my house. Name's right
there on the mortgage.
Right there on the mailbox.
His name on the mortgage, Donna?
His name on the friggin' mailbox?
No sir, it is not, didn't think so.
Ipso facto ergo,
not his Goddamn house.
Jeezo! Man you exhaust me, Mitch.
You know it is a dream come true for me
to have my family home on Christmas.
There's no way they were
gonna get a motel room now
at this late date,
and with Boyd's asthma...
Asthma? Any other restrictions
Captain Wheezy wants to put on me?
Well, there is one more thing.
I was planning on doing venison
for Christmas Eve supper,
but apparently, Boyd's
family doesn't eat red meat
- and I was...
- Christ's sake!
Is that all of Douglas' stuff?
- Si. What about Vera's?
- I hid it in the car this morning.
- Oh, you're aces!
- Tu tambien!
- So, you ready to see your dad?
- Yeah, can't wait.
- I'm actually looking forward to it.
- Really?
No, I'd rather be sodomized
by an angry clown!
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"A Merry Friggin' Christmas" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/a_merry_friggin'_christmas_1968>.
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