
Youth in Revolt
My name is Nick.
My last name, which I loathe,
is Twisp.
Which would be a nice name...
...if I planned on becoming
an evil nurse in a mental institution.
I am a voracious reader
of classic prose...
...an aspiring novelist...
...and feel the world would be
a better place...
...if every radio station played
Sinatra's "My One and Only Love"...
...at least once an hour.
Needless to say, I'm still a virgin.
I live in Oakland
with my charming mother.
- Estelle...
- Her latest boyfriend, Jerry...
...is a truck driver
and pathological liar.
If a woman answered the phone,
it was probably just the maid.
He's a real prize.
I'm gonna bite you.
No.
- Hi, Nick.
- Hi.
- Have three more for you.
- Oh, thanks, Mr. Ferguson.
Our neighbor Mr. Ferguson likes to
bring us mail from our mailbox.
a bleeding heart and too much time.
for staging protests...
...and harboring illegal aliens
in his basement.
He's a good man, but very strange.
My dad is currently in between jobs.
He would love
to not have to work at all...
...but he's burdened with crippling
child-support payments.
an allowance?
I'm getting tired of not having
a cell phone.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to
work it out with your mom.
- Lacey is Dad's girlfriend.
- Baby...
...I cooked for you.
- You made me a snack.
- Come here.
She's 25
and a budding cosmetologist.
- I love it.
- Does my baby like it?
It's amazing
and incredibly irritating to me...
...how much action everyone
around me seems to be getting.
With one exception.
My sister saw Millie holding hands
with some college guy.
My friend Lefty's had a crush on a girl
named Millie Filbert since third grade.
He's the only person
more miserable than I am.
You know, I've been taping my dick
to my right leg at night with duct tape.
I think of Millie
...and I get hard.
It starts to push against the tape-
Putting counter-rotational
tension on the shaft.
- Right.
- That's nice.
In case you haven't heard,
Lefty's erect member...
...takes a sudden and dramatic turn
- War.
- Well, you might wanna get it fixed...
...before you ask Millie out.
That's very true.
What if I shove it up the wrong hole?
What if we go out
and she doesn't even like me?
We get to know each other
and she hates me?
We get married and have a kid...
...but he's not good at anything,
has no talents?
Either way, you probably wanna
get your dick straightened out.
- Is Jerry here?
- He just went out.
That hunk-of-shit Chevy he sold us...
...made it 17 miles
before the engine blew up.
And we found evidence of a banana
in the transmission.
So he owes us $900.
Well, I'm quite certain that he spent
that $900 on his new Lincoln.
Maybe you'd better come back
and speak with him directly.
so you might have to get physical.
That can be arranged.
After living in Oakland
for 16 years...
...I've noticed it's filled with women
who have zero interest in me.
Hey, Karen.
Nick.
Oh, right. Physics?
American History. You were close.
What is that?
Oh, La Strada. It's a Fellini movie.
So random.
They were out of Miss Congeniality 2:
Armed and Fabulous...
...so I went for a random-
- Chad. F*ck you.
- Oh, f*ck you, you love it.
Hey, does that movie come with
tampons for your pussy?
You know, Chad,
I'll be upset if it doesn't.
In the movies,
the good guy gets the girl.
In real life it's usually the prick.
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Citation
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"Youth in Revolt" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 25 Feb. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/youth_in_revolt_23918>.