Youth in Revolt

My name is Nick.

My last name, which I loathe,

is Twisp.

Which would be a nice name...

...if I planned on becoming

an evil nurse in a mental institution.

I am a voracious reader

of classic prose...

...an aspiring novelist...

...and feel the world would be

a better place...

...if every radio station played

Sinatra's "My One and Only Love"...

...at least once an hour.

Needless to say, I'm still a virgin.

I live in Oakland

with my charming mother.

- Estelle...

- Her latest boyfriend, Jerry...

...is a truck driver

and pathological liar.

If a woman answered the phone,

it was probably just the maid.

He's a real prize.

I'm gonna bite you.

No.

- Hi, Nick.

- Hi.

- Have three more for you.

- Oh, thanks, Mr. Ferguson.

Our neighbor Mr. Ferguson likes to

bring us mail from our mailbox.

He's a former activist with

a bleeding heart and too much time.

He's always getting arrested

for staging protests...

...and harboring illegal aliens

in his basement.

He's a good man, but very strange.

My dad is currently in between jobs.

He would love

to not have to work at all...

...but he's burdened with crippling

child-support payments.

When am I gonna start getting

an allowance?

I'm getting tired of not having

a cell phone.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to

work it out with your mom.

- Lacey is Dad's girlfriend.

- Baby...

...I cooked for you.

- You made me a snack.

- Come here.

She's 25

and a budding cosmetologist.

- I love it.

- Does my baby like it?

It's amazing

and incredibly irritating to me...

...how much action everyone

around me seems to be getting.

With one exception.

My sister saw Millie holding hands

with some college guy.

My friend Lefty's had a crush on a girl

named Millie Filbert since third grade.

He's the only person

more miserable than I am.

You know, I've been taping my dick

to my right leg at night with duct tape.

I think of Millie

in her green summery dress...

...and I get hard.

It starts to push against the tape-

Putting counter-rotational

tension on the shaft.

- Right.

- That's nice.

In case you haven't heard,

Lefty's erect member...

...takes a sudden and dramatic turn

to the east about midway up.

- War.

- Well, you might wanna get it fixed...

...before you ask Millie out.

That's very true.

What if I shove it up the wrong hole?

What if we go out

and she doesn't even like me?

We get to know each other

and she hates me?

We get married and have a kid...

...but he's not good at anything,

has no talents?

I wonder if it's worth it.

Either way, you probably wanna

get your dick straightened out.

- Is Jerry here?

- He just went out.

That hunk-of-sh*t Chevy he sold us...

...made it 17 miles

before the engine blew up.

And we found evidence of a banana

in the transmission.

So he owes us $900.

Well, I'm quite certain that he spent

that $900 on his new Lincoln.

Maybe you'd better come back

and speak with him directly.

He's a pretty stubborn man,

so you might have to get physical.

That can be arranged.

After living in Oakland

for 16 years...

...I've noticed it's filled with women

who have zero interest in me.

Hey, Karen.

Nick.

Oh, right. Physics?

American History. You were close.

What is that?

Oh, La Strada. It's a Fellini movie.

So random.

They were out of Miss Congeniality 2:

Armed and Fabulous...

...so I went for a random-

- Chad. F*** you.

- Oh, f*** you, you love it.

Hey, does that movie come with

tampons for your p*ssy?

You know, Chad,

I'll be upset if it doesn't.

In the movies,

the good guy gets the girl.

In real life it's usually the prick.

Nick, get out here.

Nick.

Nick.

Nick, do you know anything

about this?

Oh, yeah. Those sailors came by.

They want their money back.

Apparently there was some sort of

banana in the transmission.

You tell them I was coming back?

Now, why would I do that?

Jerry, what are you gonna do?

Go get the Lincoln washed.

You're leaving?

What happens when

that sailor comes back?

To escape the threat

of ill-tempered sailors...

...we're going to Clear Lake

for a week...

...to stay in a cabin owned by

a friend of Jerry's.

Since I have no life,

I figure I have nothing to lose.

We're going on vacation.

Jerry.

I thought you said it was a cabin.

Come on, Estelle.

It's real cute on the inside.

I say we let the kid do the dishes...

...and you and I

retire to the master bedroom.

Do you think Jerry is

someone that I can...

...look forward to having around

for years to come?

Nick, how many men are interested

in a woman who's 48 years old...

...has a kid, no money

and stretch marks?

I think you're selling yourself short,

Mom.

Leave open the possibility

of a stretch-mark fetishist.

Oh, watch your smart mouth.

So you're gonna do the dishes,

okay, hon?

Gerald and I will be in back,

playing Scrabble.

Your robe's open.

- So are you staying near here?

- We live down the block.

Oh, spitting distance.

So to speak.

Hi, Stuck-up.

- Hi.

- Honey, this is Sheeni Saunders.

She stopped by to introduce herself.

Isn't that neighborly?

- Yes. Yes.

- She's on her way to the store.

I volunteered your help

carrying her bags.

Sounds fun.

You know, your family's arrival...

...excited considerable interest

among the residents.

- Your father's beer cooler on the-

- Oh, no, he's not my father.

Jerry's my mother's consort.

He and I

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes