You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Synopsis: Zohan Dvir works as a Special Agent and lives with his orthodox parents in Israel. He wants to give up this life full of dangerous encounters with Palestinians. While in the process of apprehending a Palestinian activist known simply as the Phantom, he fakes his death, hides in a dog-kennel on a plane bound for New York, and decides to try his hand as a hair-stylist. He is refused employment initially, but when he offers to work for free, Dahlia hires him as a cleaner. When a hair-stylist named Debbie quits, Zohan replaces her, winning over elderly female clientèle, and falling in love with Dahlia herself. Before Zohan could propose to her, Dahlia's landlord, Walbridge, who has been raising rents regularly, hires skinhead goons to terrorize the neighborhood, creates misunderstandings between Jews, Muslims, Arabs, and Palestinians, and drives them out, so as to enable him to construct a new building which is topped by a roller coaster. When Zohan decides to confront these skinheads, he
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Dennis Dugan
Production: Sony Pictures
  2 wins & 1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
113 min

You don't mess with the Zohan!

Come disco.

No, no, no.

I no disco, I make the fish.

Danny, come on, go disco.

Oh, okay. Disco!

Danny, that looks good. You're gonna

be a hit at your bar mitzvah.

So okay, Mr. Big Penachim,

I no see you disco.

No, no, no. I making dagim.

I no disco.

A real man, he can disco

and cooking dagim.

So let's go.

Go, go.

I get the hummus for you.

And for you.

Little for me, eh!



Kapara, what is going on!

Just some bullshit-uchen.

Let's go!

Hey, I'm on vacation here.

Can't you see this!

You promised me time off.

Get someone else to do it.

Are they gonna hurt him!

No one can hurt the Zohan.

- Bye, Zohan.

- Take care, man.

The terrorist known as Phantom...

...was spotted yesterday at a

Hacky Sack tournament in Beirut.

He may be have been trying to

bait us by surfacing briefly.

We believe he's being kept in a safe

house on the Lebanon border.

How is we lose Phantom!

Didn't I capture Phantom

three months ago!

What, you didn't hear

about the trade!

What trade!

Zohan, we gave back the Phantom.


What do you mean,

we give back the Phantom!

Zohan, relax.

It was a good trade.

We got back Etan and David.

That's all we got

for a veteran terrorist!

Come on, we got hosed here.

They threw in a spy

to be named later.

Come on, Zohan,

you have to like that deal.

Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev.


Come on, he's not even a good spy.

He got caught, for God's sake.

He's a stupid.

Our plan is to enter the building from

the front with a team of eight men...

...with an additional 12 men

at perimeter positions.

Unfortunately, there is a high

probability of collateral damage...

...including property and loss of life,

on both sides.

Okay, here we go.

Excuse me!

Come on, is it not safer

to send one man into building...

...with minimal coverage

to take out the target...

...instead of blowing up

half the neighborhood!

Well, who would do that!

Oh, "who would do that!"

You know you were

going to ask the Zohan.

Zohan, why you say this!

I just laid out an entire plan

which didn't rely on you.

Come on, Yaron,

you're setting me up.

All this talk of civilian casualties,

then of course I end up doing it.

- But I'm not even asking you to do it.

- All right, I'll do it.

Give me Avi and Koby as watch,

I'll get it done without the mess.

Well, thank you. You didn't have to.

Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah.

Have some Fizzy Bubblech.

"Kiwi watermelon"! Yeah, is good.


Chunky cuts.

Zohan, what are you doing!

The girls are here.

I know, I was watching television.

Well, if you want to have fun with us,

we're right next door.

- Good with the sticky, you should do it.

- No, no, no.

I am going to dinner with my parents.

Just leave me alone.

- All right, all right.

- It is all right!

You don't giggle at the Zohan.

You hear me!

No giggling at the Zohan.

You never giggle at the Zohan.

What's the matter, tatele?

You haven't touched

your baba ganoush.

What would you think if I tell you...

...I want to leaving the army,

start a new life!

Why would you do that!

You are good at it. It's steady pay.

You can't leave,

you're one of their best.

Besides, you are too old

to take a risk.

Stay in the army, play it safe.

There's other things I can do

besides war.

You don't war.

- I was in the real war.

- I know, I know the story.

We were surrounded on all sides,


- And in six days, we...

- And in six days, we won.

You won. I'm sorry,

I don't have a big, fancy war...

...that lasted all of six days...

Six days and five hours.

Rate this script:(3.33 / 3 votes)

Adam Sandler

Adam Richard Sandler is an American actor, comedian, screenwriter, film producer, and musician. After becoming a Saturday Night Live cast member, Sandler went on to star in many Hollywood feature films .. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 14 May 2021. <'t_mess_with_the_zohan_23859>.

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