Wrong Cops
Sorry I'm late, man.
I saw my karate instructor
on the way here,
and I had to chat with him
for a little while
to be polite;
that's why-
- Hey, I don't need to know
about your life, a**hole.
You got the cash?
- Sorry.
Of course I got the cash.
- Put it on the ground.
- Okay.
- Okay, now give it to me.
- You can count it again if you like.
It's all in there.
- I just counted it by looking at it.
I know it's okay.
- Okay, cool.
- There you go.
- What-what is this?
I-I don't understand.
- Everything's inside.
It's easier to carry.
More discreet.
- Oh, yeah?
But how do I
get the stuff out?
- Are you dumb or what?
You take a knife.
You split the rat open.
You take your weed out.
You smoke it.
Can you manage that?
Or do you need an instruction manual?
- Nah, I'm okay.
That works.
- Oh, that's good.
You're smart.
Now get the hell out of here.
- All right.
- And I don't give a f***
about your karate instructor, okay?
Move!
- Okay, sorry.
- Excuse me.
Police.
Did you drive a car here today, ma'am?
- Yeah, why?
I just-I just bought it.
Um...
What seems to be the problem?
- License and registration, please.
- Okay.
Everything is quite in order.
- Ms. Kieffer, Julia.
That is your name, correct?
- Yes.
Are you gonna tell me what's wrong
or not?
- I'm gonna need you to
come down and see me later today
so we can discuss this ASAP.
It's pretty delicate.
- Okay.
Um...
I'm sorry. I don't understand.
Why can't you just tell me
what's wrong?
Why are you being so mysterious?
- I am not being mysterious.
This is standard procedure, ma'am.
I'm not gonna go ahead and tell you
what the problem is
here in the parking lot like this.
That's not how we do things.
You know what?
I'm gonna need your
contact information right now
so we can talk about this.
Write your number down here clearly.
A cell phone number would be preferable.
- Whatever.
- What on earth are you up to?
- It's okay. I'm done here.
- Oh-oh, good. Great, great.
'Cause I've just been waiting for you
like a freakin' idiot for, like,
a half an hour.
- Did you bring me my coffee?
- Yeah. Yeah.
There you are, your coffee!
- Ah...
- Come on. Hurry up.
- See you later.
- What, do you want a picture
of my dick?
- Excuse me?
- I'm asking you if you want
a picture of my dick.
- No, I don't want a picture
of your dick.
- Are you sure?
- I wasn't looking at your dick.
I was just staring...
at that thing...
um, over there.
- What are you doing here?
Why are you waiting?
- I just stopped
to listen to some music.
- What's your name?
- My name
- Your parents know
you're a street hooker,
David Dolores Frank?
- No, 'cause
I'm not a street hooker.
Prostitution is wrong.
Okay, drop it.
Do whatever you want.
I don't give a f***.
What are you listening to?
- Something cool.
- Let me hear it.
Get down here.
- Ugh.
My stomach
is f***ing killing me, man.
- Please, I don't want to hear about
your digestive problem.
I don't want to know.
- Hello.
I'm the one who called you.
- Hi. It's Gary, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- No, I'd rather not shake your hand,
if you don't mind.
- Well, here we are.
There he is.
- Okay. Nice atmosphere.
I like it.
- How long has he been there?
- About an hour.
Went out to buy some cigarettes,
and we went out for a bit of a stroll,
and when we came back,
he was there.
- Did you know him?
- Yeah, he was my neighbor
for ten years.
Name is Gary, just like me.
- How do you think he got in?
- Well, he had an extra set
of my keys,
you know, just in case.
Can't imagine why he had to come
into my living room
to kill himself, though.
I-I don't understand.
- Maybe he just didn't want
- It could be just as simple as that.
You're right.
- Actually, if I were you,
I'd wash this whole mess up
right now.
Once the blood has dried,
it'll be hell to get clean.
- Well, don't you have
to take out the body first?
- Gary, can I use your bathroom?
- Oh, yeah. Uh, it's just in there.
- Hey, hurry up.
I don't want to spend
- Don't you have to take any notes
or even, you know, photographs?
- No.
Why?
- Well, for the investigation.
- Relax.
There's not going to be
any investigation.
I know this stuff!
Uh, okay.
? Eh, eh, eh, eh ?
I mean...
I've heard this a thousand times!
Where is this sh*t from?
I'll bet it's German.
- I don't know.
It's just f***ing cool.
I just like it 'cause it's cool.
I don't care where it's from.
- Oh, yeah!
This stinks of Germany!
- Yes?
- Mrs. Julia Kieffer?
- Speaking.
- Officer De Luca here.
We met on the parking lot.
- What do you want?
- So, uh...
You're not gonna ask me
any more questions?
- Yes.
I have one last question.
How long has this mozzarella
been there?
- I don't know.
A week, maybe.
- Hmm.
I'd say it's been
more like three weeks.
Your refrigerator is depressing.
- Well, at least I feel reassured.
I was really scared
of murder.
I mean, the body is in my house.
It could look that way.
and put the gun in his hand.
- You know what? I couldn't care less.
It's your life.
It's your neighbor who's dead,
not mine.
Right?
- The flush is broken.
- Well, that was boring.
Gary and Gary.
Lame.
- Look what I found in his bathroom.
- You stole a magazine
from that poor guy?
- Yeah.
- You're such a d*ckhead.
- He had loads of 'em.
It's an old fag rag.
It's kind of good.
- You won't shake his hand,
but you've got no problem
touching the magazine
that he jacks off to?
- F***!
- What?
- Oh, my God.
This is so huge.
You're not gonna believe this.
- What? Show me.
Jesus f***ing Christ.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing in this
sh*t hole, man?
It's gross.
Last time I ate here,
I had the shits for two days.
- Look, I don't care.
Do you have my weed?
Yeah.
There you go.
And I gave you an extra half
because I like you.
- Why the f*** hasn't that stupid kid
stopped staring at me since I got here?
- Which kid?
That one?
- Yeah, it's bugging me.
- Hey, little twerp.
Stop staring at my friend
while he's eating, okay?
It bothers him.
- Yeah, don't look at me,
even when I'm not eating.
Don't ever look at me.
Hey, do you mind
if I pay you, uh, next time?
- How long have these
I mean, you already owe me
520 bucks, Sunshine.
What are you up to?
- Yeah, look, I'm being screwed
by this home shopping thing.
I ordered
this bodybuilding machine,
like, ultrasophisticated,
and they screwed up,
and they charged me ten times for it.
- You, bodybuilding?
- Well, I haven't-
I haven't
received the machine yet, so...
- Yeah, but it means you intend to
start.
- Well, yeah.
Why not?
I just can't picture you bodybuilding,
that's all.
Hey.
I'm just thinking...
Do you want
to pay your debt off to me
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"Wrong Cops" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/wrong_cops_23689>.
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