Wristcutters: A Love Story

I think she cried at my funeral.

I don't mean to brag about it or anything,

but I'm pretty sure she did.

Sometimes I can picture her talking about me

to some guy she feels really close to.

You're never going

to see him again, you know?

How they lowered me

into the grave

all pathetic and shriveled up,

Iike a melted chocolate bar

or something.

About how we never

actually got a chance.

Then the guy f*cks her real nice-

a f*ck that's all about

making her feel better.

Soon after I killed myself,

I found a job here at Kamikaze Pizza.

It's not a great job, but it'll do for a while.

The manager was cool enough

to hook me up with a place to live, too,

with this Austrian guy named Erik.

You did it again, Zia.

Did what?

Don't play dumb. You promised.

If you're going to live in this apartment,

you have to sit while you piss.

That. I'm sorry. I forgot.

How in the world you forget

something like that?

Sit, sit, sit.

Who could think

of a better punishment, really?

Everything's the same here.

It's just a little worse.

I've thought about suicide again,

but I haven't tried it.

I didn't want to end up

in a bigger shit hole than this one.

Yeah, I was missing Desiree.

I even had a feeling

that this whole suicide thing

just made me miss her

and love her more.

But...who knows?

Maybe you just need a drink.

Hi.

Listen, my friend Rachel and l,

we play this game

where we try to figure out

how people off themselves.

We were just guessing about you.

How'd you do it?

Three points for me!

That's an extremely rude question to ask.

Precisely.

That's what the game's all about.

I see. What about you?

Me?

No, no, no, no, no.

Look at him.

He can't stop burping.

It's definitely drowning.

No, I'm telling you,

look at the bluish face.

It's got to be gas.

Go over and ask him.

No. I don't know about this one.

- He seems ill-humored.

- No, no, you got to-

Why don't you try it with me?

Do you know this guy?

I'll bet you girls a beer you won't guess.

Tania, look who's here.

We'll be right back.

Right back.

I will tell you something.

Whenever a chick says

" I'll be right back, "

write them off, man.

They always end up leaving

with some retarded big-Joe guy.

So what was it?

What was what?

How did you, uh,

you know, off yourself?

Oh, that.

Let me go, lovely

Let me go

You guys suck!

Suck big time!

Get off the stage!

F*ck it all!

Jesus! Go home, man!

Boo!

You offed with the guitar?

Sure, I did.

On stage, man.

It was wild.

Iggy Pop almost came to see that gig.

No way.

It's true.

I live with my parents

and my kid brother Kostya.

You're f*cking with me.

I'm not f*cking with you.

I've never heard of

a whole family here before.

Mom...

offed because she was

missing Russia a lot.

And my father, he just didn't feel

like going on without her.

But what really did it for him

was my little brother turning out to be gay.

And your kid brother?

- Kostya?

- Kostya.

I guess he had it in his genes, man.

That's the craziest thing

I've ever heard, man.

When, uh, Kostya came here,

my father-

a man who wouldn't cry-

if you dropped 10-pound

sledgehammer on his foot.

Hugged kid, though,

and cried like baby. No shit.

Wow.

We have to kill those germs.

- For borscht...

- We have a saying in Russia.

How much you eat,

that's how old you are.

My grandpa, before

he'd hire anybody,

he'd feed them a free meal.

- Those who ate the most-

- Whoa.

...that's the ones

he hired, 'cause-

Those were the best workers.

Are you trying

to hire me or something?

How about

doing the dishes after dinner?

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