Witchcraft 16 - Hollywood Coven

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1

F*ck, why didn't we get

a motel room before, huh?

This is f*cking great.

Danielle was a lucky girl.

If I had you, I'd never

let you leave the bedroom.

What are you talking about?

You are Danielle.

Sorry stud, I'm Sharon.

You're a great f*ck, Nick.

But I don't like loose ends.

Cut!

Oh, my God, he's drenched.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is a wrap

on Crystal Force 15 Blood Angel.

Oh, my God, I'm never working

in ultra low budget again.

It's gonna take a Silkwood shower

to get all of this blood off of us.

Good job, Shelley.

Thanks.

Can you go get our celebratory

items from the craft services table?

Ooo, champagne.

Can you afford that on this budget?

I mean, seriously.

I'll do as many of these as you want.

I mean, I survived, so I get to be

in Crystal Force 16, right?

Well.

Dude, get up.

He said cut.

You said you needed

a ride to acting class.

And I have to go to my acting class.

So come on, get up, let's go.

What the f*ck!

The answer to your question, Shelley.

I don't think you're gonna

make it to the sequel.

Holy shit, is he dead!

Yes, Shelley, he's dead.

God, she's so intuitive.

Which is what makes you

such a great actress.

That was sarcasm by the way.

What is going on?

What do you have the cheese knife

from the craft services table?

Get off of me, you f*cking rapist.

What is going on here?

Do you know why Crystal Force

is such a successful horror franchise?

One of the most successful in history?

Strong scripts?

Hardly.

Good direction?

I'm flattered, but no.

High value on such a low budget.

Now, you just f*cking with me.

No, Shelley, the reason Crystal Force

is such a successful franchise is

because we practice what we preach.

So at the end of every film, which is

my favorite cast party,

we cut out your f*cking heart.

And deliver it to the Master,

who is also our executive producer.

He casts a spell on it and bam!

Direct to video gold.

You can't kill me.

My agent got me this gig.

She knows where I am.

And if I don't answer her

texts about auditions,

she's gonna know this is

the last job I ever worked.

God, she talks a lot.

Your agent, my dear,

is part of the coven.

And you didn't quite book

enough gigs this year.

Please, I'll join your coven.

I'll do anything you want.

That's a wrap.

So, should we have a friendly wager

on whether or not I'm gonna have

to save your ass from these witches

covens in the third film?

Actually, I'm kind of hoping

I get to be an evil witch this time.

So hopefully you'll be

saving someone else's ass from me.

I think I saved your ass from

a witches coven, twice,

Detective Gilmore,

aka worst detective ever.

I think I saved

both your assess in two movies.

So, simmer down Greg Andrews,

aka worst

warlock witch hunter ever.

I totally hope

I get killed again in this one.

Me too.

Killed again dance

And doing the killed again dance

I'd actually like to

live through one for once.

It's okay.

Hey, where's Shelley?

You guys remember her?

Didn't she play Danielle in Blood Angel?

Yeah, isn't she in this one two?

We sort of bonded on Blood Angel

but then I never saw her again,

very strange.

I've literally kept up with three people

I've met on set, over the past 10 years.

We just go our own ways.

Yeah, I know.

But I ran into almost all you guys

at auditions this last year.

She just sort of vanished.

Won't even answer her texts.

Maybe she just went home.

Plenty of people just give up and bail.

Maybe, it's just weird.

I'll tell you what's weird.

Check out the IMDB listings for almost

any actor in any Crystal Force movie.

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