Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend

Synopsis: Whitney Cummings becomes every guy's girlfriend and riffs on men, women, guys, girls, male/female roles, the male body, the female body, vaginas, dicks, birth control, squirting and selfies.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Marty Callner
70 min


(techno music playing)

Play it, say it, say it, say it...

Play it, say it, say it, say it...

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Whitney Cummings!


I have to pee. I'm good!

What is up, b*tches? Come on!


Thank you so much for being here.

I'm shooting my HBO special, no big deal.

This has been a dream of

mine for a very long time,

so thank you for being

here, for showing up.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you for wearing shorts, sir.

You were getting ready,

you're like, "I'm going to Whitney's

dream come true, and I'm gonna...

"I'm gonna wear these seersucker..."

operative word:
suck... "shorts.

"I just want her to look at

my scrotum the whole night

to let her know what I think

of her accomplishments."

You know, just that thigh.

You know, that weird part of your thigh

that just looks like a swollen vagina?

That's what I'm looking at.

Really appr... Thanks for shaving, sir.

And where's the camera.

Is there a camera in the...

And for you guys at home, if

you're watching this on YouTube,

f*** you,

Go to HBO Go, like an adult,

so I can get ten cents,

okay, out of this view.

(cheers, applause)

Thank you.

I'm wearing heels tonight, it's

the least you could f***ing do.

I like you guys. You guys are hot, sexy.

Sexy people. Are you guys young? Young?

Yeah? Yeah? Anyone in their 20s?

- 20s?

- Audience:

That's what you do in your 20s, you "whoo."

Hold old are you?

- 27.

- 27.

Well, you're 30.

(laughter, applause)

Younger than 27?

- Woman:

- 24! (laughing)

Yeah, life's about to f*** you up real bad.

I love seeing girls in their

20s. It cracks me up, man.

It reminds me of when I was in my 20s.

'Cause when I was in my

20s, I was such an idiot.

Like, when I was in my 20s, I

was the worst combination of...

I was arrogant, but I was also,

like, delusional, you know?

Like, when I was in my 20s,

I thought that I was a catch.

I thought I was funny

and interesting and smart,

but I wasn't. You're not.

Okay? It's just that guys want

to have sex with you, right?

So they laugh at your stupid jokes.

They listen to your boring-ass stories.

And then you start getting an ego.

You start thinking you're awesome.

Then you turn 30, and guys stop

wanting to have sex with you,

and then you're just left

with a terrible personality.

That's what happened to

me. I got enabled in my 20s,

now I'm in my 30s, and I'm just a... dick.

I'm the worst. I'm loud.

I'm obnoxious. I'm bossy.

You know? But I think I got

confused about what guys like.

'Cause you remember there was

a rumor going around for a while

that men like strong women?

People would say that. They'd

be like, "Men like strong women.

Men like independent, strong women."

Yeah, no they don't.

Okay, I've seen porn.

Men like Asian schoolgirls

with duct tape over their mouths.

(laughter, applause)

That's what men like.

Literally, in porn they have

categories you can pick from.

There's a menu on the side. It's like,


college girls,"

there's no "CEO."


Guys aren't watching porn, like,

"Yeah, girl, get that promotion, yeah."

It sucks.

It sucks because I feel like I worked

my ass off to accomplish my goals,

to accomplish my dreams.

Now I feel like I have the best life ever.

I have the career I want,

but guys are not into that.

Guys aren't into self-sufficient girls,

you know, who are independent.

That's not a turn-on.

I'm not a sexy woman.

My dirty talk is not sexy.

I'm like, "Hey, wanna

come back to my house...

that I own?"


Not a turn-on.

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Whitney Cummings

Whitney Ann Cummings (born September 4, 1982) is an American comedian, actress and producer. She is best known as the creator of the CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls (2011–2017) and the NBC sitcom Whitney (2011–2013), appearing in the lead role of the latter. Since 2018, Cummings has been a producer and writer for the ABC revival of Roseanne. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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