Whatever Works

Synopsis: Attempting to impress his ideologies on religion, relationships, and the randomness (and worthlessness) of existence, lifelong New York resident Boris Yellnikoff rants to anyone who will listen, including the audience. But when he begrudgingly allows naive Mississippi runaway Melodie St. Ann Celestine to live in his apartment, his reclusive rages give way to an unlikely friendship and Boris begins to mold the impressionable young girl's worldly views to match his own. When it comes to love, "whatever works" is his motto, but his already perplexed life complicates itself further when Melodie's parents eventually track her down.
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): Woody Allen
Production: Sony Pictures Classics
  2 wins.
Rotten Tomatoes:
93 min

That's notwhat I'm saying, you imbecile.

God, you completely

misrepresent my ideas!

Why am I even bothering

talking to such idiots?

- Boris, calm down.

- No, don't tell me to... I am calm.

Don'tjump on usjust because we

don't understand what you're saying.

I didn'tjump on you.

It's not the idea behind Christianity

I'm faulting, or Judaism, or any religion.

It's the professionals who've

made it into a corporate business.

There's big money in the

God racket. Big money.

- Here we go.

- We know, Boris.

Hey, the basic teachings of

Jesus are quite wonderful.

So, by the way, is the original

intention of Karl Marx. Okay?

Hey, what could be bad?

Everybody should share equally.

Do unto others. Democracy.

Government by the people.

All great ideas. These are all great ideas,

but they all suffer from one fatal flaw.

- Which is?

- Yeah, what's that?

Which is they're all based

on the fallacious notion

that people are fundamentally decent.

Give them a chance to do

right and they'll take it.

They're not stupid, selfish, greedy,

cowardly, short-sighted worms.

They do the best they can.

Speak foryourself,

man. Speak foryourself.

All I'm saying is that people make

life so much worse than it has to be

and, believe me, it's a

nightmare without their help.

But on the whole, I'm sorry

to say, we're a failed species.

- I wouldn't go that far.

- Not Ed.

That's why this woman you like, Joe,

so what if she's an embalmer's assistant,

so she stinks from formaldehyde?

For Christ's sake, you got to take

what little pleasure you can find

in this chamber of horrors.

A little formaldehyde,

okay, but she reeks of it.

You know, they don't knowyour

story. Boris, tell them your story.

My story is, whateverworks. You know,

as long as you don't hurt anybody.

Any way you can filch a little joy

in this cruel, dog-eat-dog, pointless,

black chaos. That's my story.

No. That's not... Tell them the story.

- Tell them.

- Yeah. Tell them.

You justwant me to say it

again, so they can hear.

- Who?

- Them.

- Who?

- Who's them?

- You see something out there?

- Where?

What are you? An imbecile?

There's an audience full

of people looking at us.

- An audience?

- What's he talking about?

You feel you're being watched.

They paid good money for

tickets, hard-earned money,

so some moron in Hollywood

can buy a bigger swimming pool.

Okay, you're saying there are human beings

out there who bought tickets to watch us.

Well, mostly they're

interested in me, I have to say.

Yeah, they're just sitting

there. Don't you see them?

Some are eating popcorn, some

are just staring straight ahead

breathing through their

mouths like Neanderthals.

So they're there to

listen to your story?

- Total delusions of grandeur.

- Completely.

Why would you want to hear my story?

Do we know each other?

Do we like each other?

Let me tell you right off, okay?

I'm not a likeable guy. Charm

has never been a priority with me.

And just so you know, this is not

the feel-good movie ofthe year.

So ifyou're one ofthose

idiots who needs to feel good,

go get yourself a foot massage.

- Mom, that man's talking to himself!

- Come away, Justin.

What the hell does it all mean

anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

Nothing comes to anything, and yet

there's no shortage of idiots to babble.

Not me. I have a vision.

I'm discussing you.

Your friends, your co-workers,

your newspapers, the TV.

Everybody's happy to talk,

full of misinformation.

Morality, science, religion,

politics, sports, love.

Your portfolio, your

children, health. Christ.

Rate this script:(1.50 / 2 votes)

Woody Allen

Heywood "Woody" Allen is an American actor, comedian, filmmaker, and playwright, whose career spans more than six decades. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Whatever Works" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 7 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/whatever_works_23303>.

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