What Planet Are You From?

Synopsis: A highly advanced civilization, whose citizens feel no emotion and reproduce by cloning, plans to conquer Earth from the inside by sending an operative, fashioned with a humming, mechanical penis, to impregnate a human and stay until the birth. The alien, Harold Anderson, goes to Phoenix as a banker and sets to work finding a mate. His approaches to women are inept, and the humming phallus doesn't help, but on the advice of a banking colleague, he cruises an A.A. meeting, meets Susan, and somehow convinces her to marry him. The clock starts to tick: will she conceive, have a baby, and lose Harold (and the child) to his planet before he discovers emotion and starts to care?
Genre: Comedy, Sci-Fi
Director(s): Mike Nichols
Production: Columbia Pictures
  1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
105 min

At the far reaches of the universe...

...lies a planet of men who have

advanced technologically...

...beyond the realm

of human comprehension.

There is no breeding.

They are a product of cloning...

...and their reproductive organs

have shrunk and disappeared.

All emotions have been bred

out of this race...

...and each succeeding generation...

...has become more ambitious

and driven than the previous one.

They want to rule the universe...

...and now they are planning

their next takeover from the inside.

This planet is four solar systems

from our own.

Across the Sea of Vell,

at a fixed position of 13-6-90...

...on the subset grid 4-10.

It is a solid, rigid mass...

...with a dense core

of magnetic, metallic liquid.

The atmosphere is composed

of nitrogen, oxygen and argon...

...in amounts of 78, 21

and 1 percent by volume.

This is our target.

This is Earth.

This is where one of you

will serve your planet...

...to the act of procreation.

Your training will be extensive.

The Earth woman's reproductive organs

are located here.

The access point is here.

Insertion in any other access point

will not result in pregnancy.

To get the woman in a receptive mood

for insertion...

...compliment her on these areas.

She will also enjoy being told...

...that she smells nice

and that her footwear is stylish.

You will spend many hours in study...

...trying to learn all you can

about the females of this planet.

It is important to a woman that she

feels you are listening when she speaks.

This is most easily achieved...

...by repeating the phrase, "uh- huh,"

when the woman is communicating.

I went to the store this morning.


On the way, the car started making

a funny noise, so I pulled over.


Then I couldn't hear it,

so I started driving again.

Then it was fine.

You will familiarize yourself with

her predilections, her customs...

...her ranges of temperament.

Her smiles, her frowns.

Her ups and her downs.

- Your footwear is quite fashionable.

- Thank you.

May I insert my penis in you?


Ten seconds.

This time is your personal best.


You all have performed admirably...

...and your concentration

has been exemplary...

...but one man has been chosen.

This man has excelled

in his training...

...and we are confident that women

of Earth will be both interested in...

...and willing to experience

insertion with him.

This man...

...is H-1449-6.

Congratulations, H-1449-6.

Or, as you'll now be referred to,

Harold Anderson...

...from Seattle, Washington.

We've given you a wealth

of information about Earth...

...but her people are unpredictable.

As with all alien cultures,

there will be subtleties...

...which we couldn't prepare you for.

However, given your adaptability

and your capacity for learning...

...we're certain you'll achieve

your goal with ease.

The success of our planet's domination

of the universe rests in your hands.

Thank you, sir.

If you go with these men,

we'll arrange your transfer...

...and attach your penis.

We will begin our descent into

the Phoenix area in about 30 minutes.

Flight crew will be by shortly

to pick up all food and beverage items.

Thank you once again

for flying Arizona West.

What is that?


There. Inbound at our 2:00.

- It's moving.

- Tell me where to go.


Landing hydraulics okay.

Wing and tail hydraulics okay.

- We're losing altitude.

- Air speed is dropping.

What the hell is this?

Collision alert. Collision alert.

It's on us!

Simple people.

They're 1000 years behind us.

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Garry Shandling

Garry Emmanuel Shandling (November 29, 1949 – March 24, 2016) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, director, writer, and producer. He was best known for his work in It's Garry Shandling's Show and The Larry Sanders Show. Shandling began his career writing for sitcoms, such as Sanford and Son and Welcome Back, Kotter. He made a successful stand-up performance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson and became a frequent guest-host on the series. Shandling was for a time considered the leading contender to replace Johnny Carson (other hopefuls were Joan Rivers, David Letterman, and David Brenner). In 1986, he created It's Garry Shandling's Show for Showtime. It was nominated for four Emmy Awards (including one for Shandling) and lasted until 1990. His second show titled The Larry Sanders Show, which began airing on HBO in 1992, was even more successful. Shandling was nominated for 18 Emmy Awards for the show and won the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series in 1998, along with Peter Tolan, for writing the series finale. In film, he had a recurring role in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, appearing in Iron Man 2 and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. He also lent his voice to Verne the turtle in Over the Hedge. Shandling's final performance was as the voice of Ikki in the live-action remake of The Jungle Book. During his three-decade career, Shandling was nominated for 19 Primetime Emmy Awards and two Golden Globe Awards, along with many other awards and nominations. He served as host of the Grammy Awards four times and as host of the Emmy Awards three times. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "What Planet Are You From?" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 23 Mar. 2023. <https://www.scripts.com/script/what_planet_are_you_from_23282>.

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