What About Dick?

Synopsis: What About Dick? begins with the birth of a sex toy invented in Shagistan in 1898 by Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley, and tells the story of the subsequent decline of the British Empire as seen through the eyes of a Piano. The Piano narrates the tale of Dick; his two cousins: Emma, an emotionally retarded English girl; her kleptomaniac sister Helena and their dipsomaniac Aunt Maggie who all live together in a large, rambling, Edwardian novel. When the Reverend Whoopsie discovers a piano on a beach, a plot is set afoot that can be solved only by a private Dick, the incomprehensible Scottish sleuth Inspector McGuffin who with the aid of Sergeant Ken Russell finally reveals the identity of the Houndsditch Mutilator.
Genre: Comedy
81 min

- Good evening, ladies

and gentleman and welcome

to another edition of oral cinema.

A popular series of movies for the ears.

Well, we'll be going on

air live in just a couple

of minutes, so please,

may we first of all test

the applause level?

Thank you.

Excellent, thank you very much.

Well, tonight's cinema for sound features,

What about Dick?

An emotion picture for

radio which tells the story

of the decline and fall

of the British Empire as

seen through the eyes of a piano.

So, will you welcome please,

tonight's fantastic cast.

Oh the Orpheum Theatre

theater in downtown LA

Tonight we invite you to picture a play

A radio screenplay

approved for your ears

Oral movies, pluck up my ears

Yes, it's time once again

for the cinema of sound

To transport you across the radio waves

To bring you, What about Dick

It's oral cinema

Once upon a time there

were two sisters who lived

with their Aunt Maggie in

a rambling old Edwardian

Novel in Kensington.

Emma, the older, was an

emotionally repressed English

girl, who spent all day

staring out of the window,

dreaming of a submissive

role in a sick relationship

with an older sadomasochistic Englishmen.

Helena, her younger

sister, was a dark-haired

foxy minx, who stole

umbrellas to repress her

sexual urges.

- What's a minx, is it an Egyptian thing?

- No dear, that's a sphinx.

- Oh, I thought that was

the backside of something.

- No dear, that's the sphincter.

- Ah!

- Anyways, these two

sisters lived together

in a two-story Novel

with their Aunt Maggie,

an amateur dipsomaniac

who spent the afternoons

in Hampstead under a

young Austrian doctor.

- His name is Freud, Roger Freud.

He's licensed in Massage and colonics.

- And who exactly are you?

- I am the narrator of this tale.

Everyone in the story

has touched me and played

with me and run their

fingers over me until I

rang with joy.

For you see, I, am a piano.

- A piano narrating a story?

- Yes!

- Furniture doesn't narrate stories.

- I'm not furniture, I'm an instrument.

- Well, that's stupid.

Are we to have Macbeth

narrated by the bagpipes?

- Or Les Misrables by the french horn?

- Look, it's my f***ing

play and I'll play a

piano if I want to.

Anyway, this is the story of a piano.

- Heavens, is that the time,

the 3rd of August, 1910?

- Evening Star and

Standard, read all about it!

Another English human found

half-eaten in Houndsditch.

- Oh dear, not the reaper again.

- No, this one's the

mutilator, apparently he eats

his victim.

- Ew, how disgusting!

Just then, the Reverend

Whoopsie walked into the door.

- Ouch!

- Walked into the doorway.

- Oh sorry!

Hello ladies, do I intrude?

- Not from this angle, Mr. Whoopsie.

- The Reverend Whoopsie

is a, well he's a--

- He's a single clergyman

who's kindly disposed

toward men.

- Especially working men,

who I adore above all and

put on a pedestal and

offer five shillings to.

- Your Christianity does

you credit, Whoopsie.

- Let us not forget

our Lord himself had 12

little male friends, all

sailors and nobody said a word.

Have you seen, Dick?

- Not for ages, Mr. Whoopsie.

Not since the coming out ball

turned unexpectedly fruity--

- No, I think he means your Nephew, dear.

- Oh, dear, yes. Oh, he's

coming down today from Oxford.

- I wondered if he'd like

to come camping with me.

I'd love a weekend of Dick.

- I've always found 20

minutes quite sufficient.

Helena, why don't you play something for

Mr. Whoopsie on your harp?

- I hate the harp, I'm sick of plucking.

- Well you should try a

mouth organ like Dick,

Rate this script:(5.00 / 2 votes)

Eric Idle

Eric Idle (born 29 March 1943) is an English comedian, actor, voice actor, author, singer-songwriter, musician, writer and comedic composer. Idle was a member of the British surreal comedy group Monty Python, a member of the parody rock band The Rutles, and the author of the Broadway musical Spamalot. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "What About Dick?" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 17 Jun 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/what_about_dick?_23262>.

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