West Is West

Synopsis: Salford, North of England, 1975. The now much diminished, but still claustrophobic and dysfunctional, Khan family continues to struggle for survival. Sajid, the youngest Khan, the runt of the litter, is deep in pubescent crisis under heavy assault both from his father's tyrannical insistence on Pakistani tradition, and from the fierce bullies in the schoolyard. So, in a last, desperate attempt to 'sort him out', his father decides to pack him off to Mrs Khan No 1 and family in the Punjab, the wife and daughters he had abandoned 35 years earlier. It is not long before Ella Khan (Mrs Khan No2) with a small entourage from Salford, England, swiftly follows to sort out the mess, past and present.
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Director(s): Andy De Emmony
Production: D Films
Rotten Tomatoes:
103 min


Do two basket potatoes,

then phone a fish man.

- Hello, Mrs.

- Hello.

Hello, Mrs!

- All right, Charlie?

- Hiya.

I'll go, all right? Just leave me here.

I promise I'll go in.

You think I stupid?

I not your mam, mister.

I give you to teacher

and he bloody walk you in a school.

Mr. Khan.


Go with your teacher and stay

in the school. Or I bloody fixing you.

Don't worry, Mr. Khan.

Come here, you Paki bastard! Get him!

Oh, no.

Nowhere to run now, Kid Curry.

- Oi, Gunga Din!

- Oh, sh*t!

To me, boy. To me.

Kya bloody baje do you call this

to be leaving us?


The baje, lad! The skenning time.

Can you not speak Urdu?

No. I'm English, sir.

Rawalpindi. Do you know

Rawalpindi, Khan? Pakistan?

Never been, sir.

I was stationed out there just before

the outbreak of hostilities in '39.

Khushi thi bahut it were and all.

Can you show me Pakistan

on that map, Khan?




Never mind. Sit yourself down, lad.

Tropical warfare. Not a pretty sight.

The jungle is a killer.

You get bitten by

the wrong type of mosquito out there

and before you know it, elephantitis.

Testicles swell up the size of mangoes

- and explode.

- Really, sir?

Two-minute check in the morning,

just to be sure.

Remember that, Khan,

if you're ever in the tropics.

- I will, sir. Two minutes, sir.

- But don't linger, lad.

Or you'll go blind.

Your ignorance is a crime, Khan.

I shall endeavour to remedy it.

"He sat,

in defiance of municipal orders,

"astride the gun Zam-Zammah

"on the brick platform

opposite the old Ajaib-Gher,

"the Wonder House,

as the natives call the Lahore Museum."

It's a pungent place, Khan.

Pungent. Sultry.


Does it not conjure up the heat

for you, lad? Eh?

Can you not smell those spices?

I can when my dad makes a curry.

I can't make head nor bleedin' tail

of this. It's all squiggles.

Is it in Urdu?

No. Maneer's writing. A chimpanzee

with a crayon would be clearer.

- Give it here.

- Can I go out now?

You go nowhere. It's a letter

from your brother in Pakistan.

- "Salam alaikum."

- Wa alaikum salam.

What do you say?

- Wa alaikum as-salam.

- "Hiya, all.

"Everyone here in Pakistan

sends you their salams."

Wa alaikum salam.

- Hey!

- It's only a letter.

I'll letter you in a minute, baster.

He's your brother.

You should show respect to him.

He in Pakistan!

Wa alaikum as-salam.

All my family

in Pakistan happy.

Because Maneer is there, you see?

Yeah, I'll say.

He took enough cash for them.

"It's got dead hot over here

at the moment.

"And I've been working my


George just bought a new pair

for you-know-who.

- What she say?

- Bought Mrs. Khan number one

a new pair of bullocks,

have you, George?

First she's seen in years.

Oh, stupy.

All work farm together. See? Sharing.

If I'd have known

I'd be sharing me bullocks,

I wouldn't have married him

in the first place.

It's a man's job, see, Annie?

Having to be strong.

Holding like this.

It's good. Maneer working in the fields.

All my family, see? He just like them.

Just like a Pakistani. He can do, in'it?

Why didn't you buy him a tractor?

Why are you always a bloody stupy?

"Who holds Zam-Zammah,

that fire-breathing dragon,

"holds the Punjab."

Bollocks to the Punjab!

So what part of India

are you from then, Shanti?

Oh, me dad, he's from Paki...

Um, Pakidilistan.

- Oh!

- It's a very spiritual place.

You know, these look good on you.

Oh, yeah, you were right.

Mmm, I find them really relaxing.

They're considered sacred

in my father's country.

- He sounds dead spiritual, your dad.

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Ayub Khan-Din

Ayub Khan Din (born 1961) is a British Pakistani actor who played Sammy in Hanif Kureishi's film Sammy and Rosie Get Laid in (1987) and wrote the BAFTA, BIFA and London Film Critics Circle award-winning film East Is East, based on the original 1996 play that was nominated for an Olivier Award in 1998. In 2008 his comedy play Rafta, Rafta... won the Olivier Award that year. He also wrote the film sequel West Is West released in 2010. He also created the television series Ackley Bridge, which debuted in 2017. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "West Is West" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 20 Sep. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/west_is_west_23237>.

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