
West Is West
Chalo.
Do two basket potatoes,
then phone a fish man.
- Hello, Mrs.
- Hello.
Hello, Mrs!
- All right, Charlie?
- Hiya.
I'll go, all right? Just leave me here.
I promise I'll go in.
You think I stupid?
I not your mam, mister.
I give you to teacher
and he bloody walk you in a school.
Mr. Khan.
Uh...
Go with your teacher and stay
in the school. Or I bloody fixing you.
Don't worry, Mr. Khan.
Come here, you Paki bastard! Get him!
Oh, no.
Nowhere to run now, Kid Curry.
- Oi, Gunga Din!
- Oh, shit!
To me, boy. To me.
Kya bloody baje do you call this
to be leaving us?
Sir?
The baje, lad! The skenning time.
Can you not speak Urdu?
No. I'm English, sir.
Rawalpindi. Do you know
Rawalpindi, Khan? Pakistan?
Never been, sir.
I was stationed out there just before
the outbreak of hostilities in '39.
Khushi thi bahut it were and all.
Can you show me Pakistan
on that map, Khan?
Poland.
Switzerland.
Prestatyn.
Never mind. Sit yourself down, lad.
Tropical warfare. Not a pretty sight.
The jungle is a killer.
You get bitten by
the wrong type of mosquito out there
and before you know it, elephantitis.
Testicles swell up the size of mangoes
- and explode.
- Really, sir?
Two-minute check in the morning,
just to be sure.
Remember that, Khan,
if you're ever in the tropics.
- I will, sir. Two minutes, sir.
- But don't linger, lad.
Or you'll go blind.
Your ignorance is a crime, Khan.
I shall endeavour to remedy it.
"He sat,
in defiance of municipal orders,
"astride the gun Zam-Zammah
"on the brick platform
opposite the old Ajaib-Gher,
"the Wonder House,
as the natives call the Lahore Museum."
It's a pungent place, Khan.
Pungent. Sultry.
Sir?
Does it not conjure up the heat
for you, lad? Eh?
Can you not smell those spices?
I can when my dad makes a curry.
I can't make head nor bleedin' tail
of this. It's all squiggles.
Is it in Urdu?
No. Maneer's writing. A chimpanzee
with a crayon would be clearer.
- Give it here.
- Can I go out now?
You go nowhere. It's a letter
from your brother in Pakistan.
- "Salam alaikum."
- Wa alaikum salam.
What do you say?
- Wa alaikum as-salam.
- "Hiya, all.
"Everyone here in Pakistan
sends you their salams."
Wa alaikum salam.
- Hey!
- It's only a letter.
I'll letter you in a minute, baster.
He's your brother.
You should show respect to him.
He in Pakistan!
Wa alaikum as-salam.
All my family
in Pakistan happy.
Because Maneer is there, you see?
Yeah, I'll say.
He took enough cash for them.
"It's got dead hot over here
at the moment.
"And I've been working my
"bullocks"?
George just bought a new pair
for you-know-who.
- What she say?
a new pair of bullocks,
have you, George?
First she's seen in years.
Oh, stupy.
All work farm together. See? Sharing.
If I'd have known
I'd be sharing me bullocks,
I wouldn't have married him
in the first place.
It's a man's job, see, Annie?
Having to be strong.
Holding like this.
It's good. Maneer working in the fields.
All my family, see? He just like them.
Just like a Pakistani. He can do, in'it?
Why didn't you buy him a tractor?
Why are you always a bloody stupy?
"Who holds Zam-Zammah,
that fire-breathing dragon,
"holds the Punjab."
Bollocks to the Punjab!
So what part of India
are you from then, Shanti?
Oh, me dad, he's from Paki...
Um, Pakidilistan.
- Oh!
- It's a very spiritual place.
You know, these look good on you.
Oh, yeah, you were right.
Mmm, I find them really relaxing.
They're considered sacred
in my father's country.
- He sounds dead spiritual, your dad.
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"West Is West" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 1 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/west_is_west_23237>.