West Is West

Chalo.

Do two basket potatoes,

then phone a fish man.

- Hello, Mrs.

- Hello.

Hello, Mrs!

- All right, Charlie?

- Hiya.

I'll go, all right? Just leave me here.

I promise I'll go in.

You think I stupid?

I not your mam, mister.

I give you to teacher

and he bloody walk you in a school.

Mr. Khan.

Uh...

Go with your teacher and stay

in the school. Or I bloody fixing you.

Don't worry, Mr. Khan.

Come here, you Paki bastard! Get him!

Oh, no.

Nowhere to run now, Kid Curry.

- Oi, Gunga Din!

- Oh, sh*t!

To me, boy. To me.

Kya bloody baje do you call this

to be leaving us?

Sir?

The baje, lad! The skenning time.

Can you not speak Urdu?

No. I'm English, sir.

Rawalpindi. Do you know

Rawalpindi, Khan? Pakistan?

Never been, sir.

I was stationed out there just before

the outbreak of hostilities in '39.

Khushi thi bahut it were and all.

Can you show me Pakistan

on that map, Khan?

Poland.

Switzerland.

Prestatyn.

Never mind. Sit yourself down, lad.

Tropical warfare. Not a pretty sight.

The jungle is a killer.

You get bitten by

the wrong type of mosquito out there

and before you know it, elephantitis.

Testicles swell up the size of mangoes

- and explode.

- Really, sir?

Two-minute check in the morning,

just to be sure.

Remember that, Khan,

if you're ever in the tropics.

- I will, sir. Two minutes, sir.

- But don't linger, lad.

Or you'll go blind.

Your ignorance is a crime, Khan.

I shall endeavour to remedy it.

"He sat,

in defiance of municipal orders,

"astride the gun Zam-Zammah

"on the brick platform

opposite the old Ajaib-Gher,

"the Wonder House,

as the natives call the Lahore Museum."

It's a pungent place, Khan.

Pungent. Sultry.

Sir?

Does it not conjure up the heat

for you, lad? Eh?

Can you not smell those spices?

I can when my dad makes a curry.

I can't make head nor bleedin' tail

of this. It's all squiggles.

Is it in Urdu?

No. Maneer's writing. A chimpanzee

with a crayon would be clearer.

- Give it here.

- Can I go out now?

You go nowhere. It's a letter

from your brother in Pakistan.

- "Salam alaikum."

- Wa alaikum salam.

What do you say?

- Wa alaikum as-salam.

- "Hiya, all.

"Everyone here in Pakistan

sends you their salams."

Wa alaikum salam.

- Hey!

- It's only a letter.

I'll letter you in a minute, baster.

He's your brother.

You should show respect to him.

He in Pakistan!

Wa alaikum as-salam.

All my family

in Pakistan happy.

Because Maneer is there, you see?

Yeah, I'll say.

He took enough cash for them.

"It's got dead hot over here

at the moment.

"And I've been working my

"bullocks"?

George just bought a new pair

for you-know-who.

- What she say?

- Bought Mrs. Khan number one

a new pair of bullocks,

have you, George?

First she's seen in years.

Oh, stupy.

All work farm together. See? Sharing.

If I'd have known

I'd be sharing me bullocks,

I wouldn't have married him

in the first place.

It's a man's job, see, Annie?

Having to be strong.

Holding like this.

It's good. Maneer working in the fields.

All my family, see? He just like them.

Just like a Pakistani. He can do, in'it?

Why didn't you buy him a tractor?

Why are you always a bloody stupy?

"Who holds Zam-Zammah,

that fire-breathing dragon,

"holds the Punjab."

Bollocks to the Punjab!

So what part of India

are you from then, Shanti?

Oh, me dad, he's from Paki...

Um, Pakidilistan.

- Oh!

- It's a very spiritual place.

You know, these look good on you.

Oh, yeah, you were right.

Mmm, I find them really relaxing.

They're considered sacred

in my father's country.

- He sounds dead spiritual, your dad.

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