War on Everyone

Synopsis: Two corrupt cops set out to blackmail and frame every criminal unfortunate enough to cross their path. Events, however, are complicated by the arrival of someone who appears to be even more dangerous than they are.
Genre: Action, Comedy
Production: Saban Films
  1 win & 1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
98 min


I've always wondered if you hit a mime,

does he make a sound?

Well, now you know.

I lost my teeth.

What is he saying?

I don't know, something about "teesh"?

Oh, he lost his teeth.


Hey! You sons of b*tches

ain't going anywhere!

I saw the whole damn thing.

I'm calling the police.

We are the police.

"All oppression creates a state of war."

Simone de Beauvoir.

No, it's Pierre-Joseph Proudhon,

the father of anarchism.

It's not Simone de Beauvoir,

the feminist existentialist.

- I bet you 50 bucks.

- I'll take that bet.

- Hey, Uncle Terry.

- How's it hanging, Csar?

Little early in the day, Terry.

- It's midnight in Tokyo.

- Mmm.

- Hey, Uncle Terry.

- Hey, Lil' Bob.

Where's my Xbox?

How the f*** should I know?

Oh, you know what? It's up my ass.

Do you wanna go see it?

It's in the den.

I hit your car, Bob.

- Again?

- Yeah.

Is it bad?

We should take my car.

You had a nice swim, honey?

My eyes hurt.

I told you, Bob.

You put too much chlorine in that pool.

No, no, no. I followed

those instructions to a T.

He's been up to something.

- No, I haven't.

- "No, I haven't."

All little innocent Little Lord f***ing

Fauntleroy over here.

- Stop it.

- I've been itching all weekend.

I'm trying to digest over here.

When was the last time you had sex?


And when did you start itching?

Saturday, in late afternoon,

early evening.

It's thrush.

What's thrush?

- I wore a condom.

- It don't matter.

- What do I do about it?

- You go to a drugstore.

They'll give you some cream

or something. You'll be fine.

What's thrush, Pop?

Thrush is a small

to medium-sized songbird.

Now, get the f*** out of here.

Can you guys not discuss his genital

complaints while I'm trying to eat?

Is that too much to ask for?

This looks like dick and balls now.

- See you later, Dolores.

- See you later, Terry.

He's f***ing broke it, Mom.

No! Oh, you know what?

- It is broken.

- Mom!

Don't litter, man.

You're gonna make me look bad in front

of all of my f***ing white neighbours.

Let's go f*** some scumbags.

What are they doing now?

Looking at the exhibits. What the f***

do you think they're doing?

- This is a waste of time.

- No, it's not.

What do you think the Webb brothers

are doing in a f***ing balloon museum?

You think they're researching

the history of aeronautics? No.

Look at this guy point.

You're not fooling anybody, buddy.

You think they're gonna heist the place?

Well, it's popular with the yokels,

but I reckon it's just a meet.

- Oh. Hold it right there. Yeah.

- Here? Here? Right here?

The light is perfect.

- Like this?

- Yeah, that's really nice.

That's Jim Harris and his f***ing yo-yo.

Thought he was inside.

He broke out of Riker's Island

two months ago.

Who's the other guy with the kid?

No idea. What kind of bum

brings his kid to a meet, though?

- Eyes here. Eyes here.

- I don't even see you.

Why am I looking there?

There we go.

- Oh.

- Look.

Yo-yos were once, um,

- outlawed in Damascus.

- Huh!

It was believed that

they were causing a drought.

Look at all those f***ing a**holes working.


Welcome back, boys!

How did we enjoy our sabbatical?

It was very pleasant,

it was very relaxing.

I masturbated a lot.

"Enforced sabbatical", I should have said.

What's a "sabbatical"?


So Laurel and Hardy here, huh?

Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

Siegfried and Roy, Sacco and Vanzetti,

Abelard and Hlose.

Is this a quiz?

No, it's not a quiz.

This is your last chance.


This is it.

There'll be no more suspensions from duty.

That's great!

You will be out on your asses next time.

Oh, that's not great.

You'd be out on your asses already, frankly,

if the powers that be could prove

some of the rumours I've been hearing.

Yeah, but you know what they say

about rumours, though.

Rumours are the mothers of invention.

No, necessity's the mother of invention.

What are rumours, then?

- Rumours are...

- Silencio!

Assaulting a fellow officer,

that's one thing.

Bribery and corruption charges

against you and that's it,

that's goodnight, Irene.

We were provoked, man.

- Bob was provoked!

- Same thing.

Look, fellas.

I agree with you about the race issue. OK?

I'm married to a chink myself,

for Christ's sake.

I got chink kids.

Look at their faces.

- Wow.

- Those are good-looking boys.

I know how you felt, Bob, believe me.

But still, that's no excuse

for assaulting a fellow officer.

Doesn't matter what they say.

He called me a wetback!

He knows damn well I was born here!

He's a big, fat, racist pig is what he is!

Yes! He's a big, fat, racist pig. Granted.

No argument there, guys.

But look around.

This is the police department.

We're surrounded by big, fat, racist pigs.

So work with me here, OK?

Now, what have we learned here?

Don't assault a fellow officer,

even if... even if he is a racist pig.

Yes. And?

- Something about rumours.

- Rumours.


Chinese kids?

- No.

- Oh, oh, oh.

Bribery and corruption.

Yes, bribery and corruption!

What about bribery and corruption?

Oh, there's a part two.


Don't get involved with it?

Don't get involved with it

in any way, shape or form.

Bribery and corruption, bad!


Progress has been made!

Exeunt stage left.

Hey, who's that a**hole

used to pal around with Harris?

Negro gentleman,

got pinched for the toasters.

Reggie Hayes.

Reggie Hayes.

He, uh, changed it, though, didn't he?

Changed his name.

Joined the Nation of Islam. Reggie X.

Reggie X!


Who's this?

- Glen Campbell.

- Great song.


Do you see him?

Probably skulking somewhere.

That's what these criminal types do.


Oh, there he is.


As salaam alaikum.

Doesn't seem very pleased

to see us, Terry.

What's the craic, lads?

You know how to read, don't you,

you Mick bastard?

Or would that be too much to ask?

I'm actually dyslexic. All right?

And I find that statement

to be highly discriminatory.

Are you an actor?

Because they all

seem to be dyslexic nowadays.

It used to be called stupidity.

You know these f***ing pricks, do you?

You shouldn't have done that.

Well, what's he gonna do? Tell his momma?


What the f***? I ain't done sh*t!

Oh, what's that, Terry?

It sure ain't origami, Bob.

You gotta be kidding me.

I suspect it may well be what the authorities

would call a controlled substance.



- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

That is most definitely

a controlled substance.

And you say you found this

on the defendant's person, Detective?

- Is that correct?

- It was hidden in his anus, Your Honour.

Oh, you dirty motherf***er!

You dirty motherf***er!

You're a dealer now, Reggie.

You two are f***ed up.

You still running around

with Jimmy Harris?

Not since back in the day,

before the motherf***er moved up a gear.

I guess some people's ambitions

go beyond selling toasters, you know?

OK, you know what? You don't even

know the whole level I'm on.

These were designer

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John Michael McDonagh

John Michael McDonagh is an English/Irish screenwriter and film director. He wrote and directed The Guard and Calvary, both films starring Brendan Gleeson. He was born in London in 1967. more…

All John Michael McDonagh scripts | John Michael McDonagh Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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