War on Everyone

Synopsis: Two corrupt cops set out to blackmail and frame every criminal unfortunate enough to cross their path. Events, however, are complicated by the arrival of someone who appears to be even more dangerous than they are.
Genre: Action, Comedy
Production: Saban Films
  1 win & 1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
98 min


I've always wondered if you hit a mime,

does he make a sound?

Well, now you know.

I lost my teeth.

What is he saying?

I don't know, something about "teesh"?

Oh, he lost his teeth.


Hey! You sons of bitches

ain't going anywhere!

I saw the whole damn thing.

I'm calling the police.

We are the police.

"All oppression creates a state of war."

Simone de Beauvoir.

No, it's Pierre-Joseph Proudhon,

the father of anarchism.

It's not Simone de Beauvoir,

the feminist existentialist.

- I bet you 50 bucks.

- I'll take that bet.

- Hey, Uncle Terry.

- How's it hanging, Csar?

Little early in the day, Terry.

- It's midnight in Tokyo.

- Mmm.

- Hey, Uncle Terry.

- Hey, Lil' Bob.

Where's my Xbox?

How the f*ck should I know?

Oh, you know what? It's up my ass.

Do you wanna go see it?

It's in the den.

I hit your car, Bob.

- Again?

- Yeah.

Is it bad?

We should take my car.

You had a nice swim, honey?

My eyes hurt.

I told you, Bob.

You put too much chlorine in that pool.

No, no, no. I followed

those instructions to a T.

He's been up to something.

- No, I haven't.

- "No, I haven't."

All little innocent Little Lord f*cking

Fauntleroy over here.

- Stop it.

- I've been itching all weekend.

I'm trying to digest over here.

When was the last time you had sex?


And when did you start itching?

Saturday, in late afternoon,

early evening.

It's thrush.

What's thrush?

- I wore a condom.

- It don't matter.

- What do I do about it?

- You go to a drugstore.

They'll give you some cream

or something. You'll be fine.

What's thrush, Pop?

Thrush is a small

to medium-sized songbird.

Now, get the f*ck out of here.

Can you guys not discuss his genital

complaints while I'm trying to eat?

Is that too much to ask for?

This looks like dick and balls now.

- See you later, Dolores.

- See you later, Terry.

He's f*cking broke it, Mom.

No! Oh, you know what?

- It is broken.

- Mom!

Don't litter, man.

You're gonna make me look bad in front

of all of my f*cking white neighbours.

Let's go f*ck some scumbags.

What are they doing now?

Looking at the exhibits. What the f*ck

do you think they're doing?

- This is a waste of time.

- No, it's not.

What do you think the Webb brothers

are doing in a f*cking balloon museum?

You think they're researching

the history of aeronautics? No.

Look at this guy point.

You're not fooling anybody, buddy.

You think they're gonna heist the place?

Well, it's popular with the yokels,

but I reckon it's just a meet.

- Oh. Hold it right there. Yeah.

- Here? Here? Right here?

The light is perfect.

- Like this?

- Yeah, that's really nice.

That's Jim Harris and his f*cking yo-yo.

Thought he was inside.

He broke out of Riker's Island

two months ago.

Who's the other guy with the kid?

No idea. What kind of bum

brings his kid to a meet, though?

- Eyes here. Eyes here.

- I don't even see you.

Why am I looking there?

There we go.

- Oh.

- Look.

Yo-yos were once, um,

- outlawed in Damascus.

- Huh!

It was believed that

they were causing a drought.

Look at all those f*cking assholes working.


Welcome back, boys!

How did we enjoy our sabbatical?

It was very pleasant,

it was very relaxing.

I masturbated a lot.

"Enforced sabbatical", I should have said.

What's a "sabbatical"?


So Laurel and Hardy here, huh?

Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

Siegfried and Roy, Sacco and Vanzetti,

Abelard and Hlose.

Is this a quiz?

No, it's not a quiz.

This is your last chance.


This is it.

There'll be no more suspensions from duty.

That's great!

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John Michael McDonagh

John Michael McDonagh is an English/Irish screenwriter and film director. He wrote and directed The Guard and Calvary, both films starring Brendan Gleeson. He was born in London in 1967. more…

All John Michael McDonagh scripts | John Michael McDonagh Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"War on Everyone" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 21 Nov. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/war_on_everyone_23064>.

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