Vida Abismal, La

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LlFE ON THE EDGE

l ask myself if Chino existed

or if he was the result

of my wayward imagination,

of my desire

to betray a stupid moral

imbedded like a staple in my mind,

of my teenage insistence

on inventing a paradigm

to project me from a structured,

mediocre life.

At 18, l was a complete dis

with no perspective on life,

a rebel without a cause,

a nervous wreck,

confused, disoriented,

who hardly knew what he wanted.

The only thing that moved me

came from the depths

of the most evident immorality

of the time

and l defied the most rational

social requirements,

ceaselessly destroying them

to disguise an uncalled for fear,

that was paralyzing me.

You're going out now?

You hardly sleep, son.

One of my favorite vices

was gambling.

lt still is, but with nuances.

l don't think l'm addicted,

but it fascinates me.

One is in the game

what one is in life,

an extension of your doubts,

of your bravery,

of the personal traits

that characterize you.

-l'll see them.

-l pass.

A pair of kings and a knight.

You win.

lt's in gambling

that l have unsolved problems,

for fascination and fear,

like a unforgettable trauma,

a mental wound acquired in 1972,

in an exceptional card game.

Chino. Tan. Ferran.

Juanito the Moor.

-Good evening.

-Good evening.

There are 9,000 pesetas.

l'll see it.

Everything or part?

l said that l'll see it.

Bad luck, man.

l don't have a cent more.

How will we get the money back?

Does anyone have 9,000?

-This game is a joke.

-Ajoke?

Wouldn't you do the same?

You all would have cheated.

Then the game must be suspended.

-That's no excuse.

-For you, either.

Do you have dough?

-Do you want cards?

-l see the total with yours.

-Without seeing them?

-Without seeing them.

lf you loose, they get 36,000.

Are you up for it?

lf none of you wants to win,

l'll do it.

You're nuts.

-Show the fucking cards.

-Listen...

You listen to me.

lf l loose, there'll be 36,000

on the table.

l'll play this with the other's cards.

First, prove you have the money.

After playing with mine,

you won't have another chance.

lf you accept, go ahead.

As you see, l can cover that.

l accept the bet and conditions.

Play the card.

Moor...

And yours?

You've won.

-How do you want to be paid?

-However you can.

Here. The debt l owe you.

Come here.

Let's go to Valncia for a drink.

l'll bring you back to the village.

l don't like that game.

Too much luck involved.

Poker and 54 leave more room

for creativity.

l won't play again anytime soon.

You lost because of fear.

Fear or not, cards are the same.

You're wrong.

-You like boxing?

-Yeh.

l'm not a big fan,

but l like Cassius Clay.

The Greatest.

Know why? 'Cause he wins

before he gets in the ring.

He psyches out his opponent.

Before the fight, he uses

scare tactics in the media.

And?

His rival is terrified,

unconsciously recognizing

Clay's superiority.

What's your point?

lf the others know

you're going for broke,

they'll play to you to win.

-So later you'll lose more.

-That's your problem.

Pessimism. You think you'll lose.

Cards call for cards,

and money calls for money.

And lost calls for lost.

And l lost.

-Maybe l started a bad streak.

-So change it.

-How?

-Take risks.

lt's outside of my budget.

With that mentality

you'll always be poor.

Of course l was scared.

There were 9,000 pesetas

on the table and l lost them.

With women and cards,

fear paralyzes you.

-l'll pay you little by little.

-Relax, no rush.

But a gambler always pays.

lt's a question of honor.

-Are you a gambler?

-l am.

lf l forgave you,

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